It’s Christmas’ Eve but there’s nothing that stops me and my friends from having a quick soccer match. My house is like ten blocks away from the local field and almost everyday I meet my friends to play or just spend some time together. Mattia, Nathan and Pietro are probably waiting for me. I go get Tommaso first, as usual.

 “What’s up, mate? You look exhausted” Tommaso tells me when he meets me next to his house. 

 “I… I didn’t sleep very well” I mumble.

 “You fought with Alice again, didn’t you? Man, I told you many times, there’s something off about her. We already talked about it last year but you ALWAYS have to go rogue. Do not be surprised if things go bad and…”

 “No, no. None of that. Just… just a bad night.”

 Not lying. I spent all the night thinking of Marco in an almost CONVULSIVE way. I’m getting crazy if I don’t get out of all of this. I should figure out if my suspicions are well-founded or not, though. I could actually talk to Tommaso, maybe after the match. If he says that I’m right, I’ll make Marco the least uncomfortable I can the next time we meet, I swear.

 When we get to the field, Pietro, Nathan and Mattia are there. Apart from Tommaso, they’re my dearest friends. We hang out, like, every day, and they know everything about me. Don’t really want to tell them about Marco, though, but that’s different. It is more about him rather than me, and he barely knows them.

 “Hey, mate! Where were you yesterday? Did you have some good moments with Alice?” Pete tells me while everybody’s laughing. 

 “Erm, no. I had a Bingo evening at Mara’s. With Tommaso’ friends, you know. Mattia was there, too.”

 “How BORING. So, when are you two meeting? We really have to teach you the basics, uh?” Nathan says.

 I smile. I like my friends, but it feels like they always have such high expectations towards me. Definitely too high. If only I told them that I even forgot to reply to Alice because I was thinking of all that Marco’s stuff…

 “Sooo, what are we doing? A quick game?” Tommaso says while getting off his jacket.

 “Yeah! Let’s burn some calories for Christmas’ dinner!” Mattia exclaims after kicking the ball.

 We start the game. I’m very good at soccer, actually, and I’ve been attending a soccer school for a few years, but this is definitely not the right day to focus on that. My head is so confused that I can’t even control the ball. 

 “What’s wrong with you? Are you thinking of Alice, mate?” Nathan screams at me when I miss the ball for the umpteenth time. Just like my life was all about her.

 After a twenty minute terrible game we finally have a break. Mattia, Nathan and Pietro turn away to talk about what they’re going to do on New Year’s Eve, so I get close to Tommaso. 

 “Erm, Tom, I… I wanted to ask you something” I tell him while making sure the others can’t hear me.

 “Yeah, for sure. I knew there was something more than a bad night.” God, am I REALLY so predictable?

 “Well, yes. There is kind of… something I started to think about these days and I need someone to talk about it ‘cause it’s, like, oppressing me…”

 “Tell me.”

 I take a breath. Why am I so nervous?

 “Do you think Marco has a crush on me?”

 Tommaso stares at me and I can’t understand what he’s thinking. I really suck at understanding people sometimes. Except for Marco, apparently… 

 “Why are you asking me this? Did you… see or hear something that made you think that?” he says after a while.

 “Kind of. He seems more attached to me, recently, but I thought it was just his way of acting since our relationship is, you know, getting deeper. Well, I guess I asked him an intimate question yesterday and he really seemed like he was going to tell me something. He told me it’s hard for him to have feelings for someone who actually doesn’t reciprocate, while looking at me in such a strange way… I think he might… refer to me” I conclude. I feel like a little weight coming off my shoulders. 

 “And what did you tell him?” Tommaso keeps asking me other questions instead of answering mine. 

 “Nothing. I panicked and I might have been avoiding him for the rest of the evening. I didn’t want to say something hurtful to him since, well, I… don’t feel the same way. But I might be wrong. What do you think?”

 Tommaso’ eyes are half-closed. Don’t really know what he might be thinking at all.

 “No, Marco’s not in love with you. I can’t imagine how you could actually believe that. You’re clearly not his type” he answers after an endless time.

 “Oh. Fine. Erm, so it’s all right, I guess. I can act… normally” I mumble.

 Tommaso gives me a glare.

 “You should act normally in both cases, man. We’re talking about Marco, you get me?”

 He’s right. He’s damned right. It’s a complicated situation and I must be careful not to slip up. I might compromise everything I’ve built with Marco. Tommaso is right anyway - I mean, what would someone like Marco see in me? It’s obvious he wasn’t referring to me when he said that. 

 And I don’t know how to feel about it.

 “Giacomo, are you ok? You don’t believe me?” Tommaso asks me.

 “Oh, yeah. Sure. I’m… relieved! Marco… in love with me… it would be such a mess, don’t you think?” 

 I’m lying. I’m definitely not relieved. Instead, I can’t tell why, but I’m even more worried than before.

 “Maybe. We don’t need to worry about that, though. No chance of Marco being in love with you. Hey, Matt! Pass the ball! There’s enough time for another game!” 

 Tommaso gets away and I get alone for a few moments. Kind of overthinking. Alice phones me right now. I don’t answer, I don’t want to talk to her at the moment. I don’t really want to talk with anyone else.

 I should be relieved, but I’m not. A little part of me definitely wished that Tommaso told me I was right. I can feel it. Is it possible that I imagined all of this? That I saw something that doesn’t exist? I’m not only referring to yesterday - Marco’s words were just the last link in a longer chain that truly made me believe he has a crush on me. 

 What if Tommaso is lying? Or he simply didn’t notice the same things I did? People keep saying that I never get anything, that even a bomb could explode right next to me and I wouldn’t realize it. But what if I’m the only one who got it this time ? 

 If Marco had a crush on me for real, what would I do? I don’t know if I would be capable of talking about it with him. It would be hard for me, too. Not that it bothers me at all, I just wouldn’t know how to handle it. I mean, I’d need the right words to say. It’s not easy to refuse someone. Definitely not easier if they’re a friend of yours.

 But after all…

 Maybe…

 Maybe I’m not THAT sure that I’d refuse him...

 I’m not gay. Definitely. It’s just… I feel so happy when we’re together. There’s something about Marco that the others don’t have. Why am I figuring out all of this now…

 Sometimes it looks like my actions and my mind go their own ways. It’s like what I’m doing is dictated by something unconscious I can’t understand at all. Actually, I don’t even know why I asked Marco how he realized he’s gay. It came totally natural and unexpected. I can barely understand me sometimes.

 I barely know me, apparently. 

 There’s something about all this story that I still didn’t bring up. And that’s the reason why I felt so disappointed when Tommaso told me I was wrong. That’s the reason why everytime I meet Marco I find myself all alone in my bed, thinking and overthinking until 3 am.

 Maybe I actually like Marco. Or maybe I like the fact that he likes me…

 But if Tommaso is right and everything’s just in my head, there’s no need to keep thinking about it. Too many thoughts don’t help it sometimes. I want to be the carefree Giacomo I’ve always been. All of this confusion doesn’t help me at all, instead it makes things worse for me. I don’t want to THINK anymore. Yeah, that’s what I’m going to do. Tommaso is right. I don’t need to imagine things that don’t even exist. Forget about Marco. We share good days together when we hang out and that’s all. Stop spending entire days thinking about his glances, his words, what he might be referring to. 

 Marco is a friend I see sometimes. End of the story.

 Alice’s calling me again. I will answer this time.