Chapter 11

At the end of the week, Kurt received an invitation from Catherine Danee to a charity event that she organized.

For the past week, Kurt didn't get used to his new state at all, but he hoped that he would be able to manage his condition. However, in the moments when he gave himself a bit of slack and allowed his thoughts and feelings to gain his attention, Eliza certainly thought that he was not healthy. And as it happened fairly often, she began to insist that Kurt should see a doctor. This statement caused Kurt to smile bitterly because he knew that the only doctor who could help him was him.

Kurt yearned for the days when he could indulge in dreaming about sharp mountains or sandy beaches. His soul would be carried thousands of miles away, feeling the biting wind on his skin or the gentle surf. That was how he found rest, traveling in his fantasies, but what was left of them now? No more amazing pictures bringing peace and quiet. It was good enough if he could just stop the flow of his thoughts. This respite was short-lived, black and white, with no bright colors or true rest.

Occasionally he found himself wandering the corridors - dark and long, they reminded him of the corridors in John's house. They were deserted and gloomy.

All this, of course, affected Kurt's appearance - he looked tired as if he had not slept. He slept poorly. At least in his sleep, he didn't think about anything. He even stopped having dreams.

Kurt knew that he had lost control of himself; however, he was in no hurry to do anything about it. He had to admit that he was curious because this condition was new to him. He felt a rich range of emotions that he had never experienced before in his life.

McGlow was right. The only soul that we can learn about and feel is our own. And now, I have a unique chance to have such a valuable experience.

However, sometimes Kurt regretted that he could not remove this trembling and troubled soul and watch it from the outside. And in moments of acute curiosity, he would put it inside himself to feel what he saw. Perhaps then, these intense feelings wouldn't bring so much confusion to his thoughts, and he could make discoveries faster. Unfortunately, removing his soul from within himself was impossible, and his life became a constant struggle.

Looking at the invitation, Kurt had a thought. Previously, he would gladly have accepted the invitation...

The doorbell rang. Kurt listened as Eliza opened the door. It seemed to him that he heard a few muffled voices that almost broke with excitement, and then quickly, even too rapidly, Eliza's steps sounded on the stairs. There was a knock at the door.

"Come in, Eliza," Kurt said and straightened. She entered the study.

"There is..." She could hardly control her trembling voice. "Mr. Danee," she said, speaking his name very softly. Her eyes filled with tears, but she struggled to control herself. Not wanting to torture her more, Kurt nodded.

"All right, I'll be right down. Thank you, Eliza."

She hurried off, putting her hand over her lips as if to detain a woeful sob that escaped anyway.

Kurt went downstairs to the living room, where he found Philip in almost the same condition as Eliza.

"Good afternoon, Philip."

"Hello!" He rose from his chair. "I'm sorry that I came without notification. But I need to talk to you."

"Come to the study," Kurt said. He had already guessed what would be discussed.

In the study, Philip sat on the couch and immediately stood up. Kurt took his seat in the chair opposite and prepared to listen, but Philip was unable to find the right words to start. Or maybe he lacked the courage.

"In the restaurant, I behaved rudely," he finally spoke and walked to the window. "And then we were interrupted, and I... didn't have time to say..."
He turned back to Kurt, his cheeks blushing red. "Do tell me, what is more important: to do the right thing or what you want from your heart?"

This question put Kurt in a quandary, for he knew what was hidden under this seemingly abstract choice.

"Sometimes..." Kurt began, but Philip didn't let him finish.

"John always does as he pleases! And does anyone turn away from him? No! He is surrounded by a retinue and all his antics are accepted with delight! And what did he do in fact? He abandoned his family! But no one condemned him!" Philip's voice sounded desperate, as if he appealed to strict judges, to their cold hearts, begging for mercy. And Kurt knew that these judges were only in Philip's head. He condemned himself for his feelings and sentenced himself to suffer. But he couldn't bear it, and now he was trying to break his boundaries.

Kurt was in no hurry to interrupt him. Besides, when Philip spoke about John, Kurt noted with surprise that the turmoil in his soul subsided a little and gave way to some new feeling that brought both pleasure and sadness sweetened with this pleasure. And Kurt understood that he wanted to experience that feeling again and again; he wanted Philip to talk about John.

"I have always been faithful to my father and mother. I've never broken the rules! Why now do I have to be so miserable?" Philip looked at Kurt, but he was absorbed by his new experiences and didn't immediately find an appropriate answer. Oh, he would like to reproach himself for such unprofessional behavior, but he could not. To his shame, he allowed himself to be captured by his feelings.

"Look, Philip," Kurt finally spoke. "Let me speak straight. After all, what's the point of hiding behind the blinds? We won't decide anything like that. Do you trust me?"

Philip nodded immediately.

"You're talking about Eliza and your engagement, aren't you?"

Philip nodded again, but this time more reservedly and shyly looked away.

"Is it so obvious?" he asked in a muffled voice.

"Look, your feelings are nothing to be ashamed of."

"Feelings maybe, but intentions!" said Philip. "I mean..." he hastened to add. "My intentions towards Miss Eliza are honest and sincere, but... Because of my position... because of the difference," he paused again.

"Your engagement..."

"Didn't happen. I said I was not feeling well that day, and the reception was canceled. But my mother knows me well, I can't lie to her... She found the portrait; she understood everything. She sent it to you without my knowledge. The reception was postponed. Till this weekend..."

"It will happen at the charity event?"

"No, the next day," Philip answered. "Have you received an invitation?"

"Yes, but I haven't answered yet."

"I only have two days to fix my life. Mr. Rhein, I beg you, help me. What should I do?" Again Philip looked pleadingly at him.

"Are you sure of your feelings?" Kurt asked seriously. "Does it make sense to take risks if it's only beguin?"

"I'm sure!" exclaimed Philip.

"Let me think," Kurt paused and immersed himself in his thoughts. He still had to dismiss his feelings, but now he was trying to concentrate on Philip. He was silent for a few minutes, and all this time, Philip gazed at him.

"I don't think you should be too cunning. Mrs. Danee doesn't deserve such treatment, and I believe our upbringing doesn't allow us to build overly intricate plots. However, to endear Mrs. Danee to Eliza, we need to create a favorable opinion of her. Declaring from the threshold that you want to terminate the engagement and marry a girl without any social standing isn't an option. I suggest doing the following. We can introduce Eliza to Mrs. Danee as my pupil. As you understand, you still won't be able to avoid an unpleasant conversation with your mother about the termination of the engagement. I know that Mrs. Danee is noble and at the same time, she loves you and wishes you happiness. So let's hope that Eliza can make a good impression, and your shining eyes can convince Mrs. Danee of the correctness of the decision to terminate the engagement," Kurt said and smiled. "Alternatively, you can talk to your betrothed bride. Maybe she doesn't wish for this engagement either. If the termination of the engagement were to be initiated by the bride's family, it would be much easier for you."

These words inspired Philip. He appreciated that there was no treacherous deception or desperate escape - which had crossed his mind. He wanted to believe that all could be really resolved in peace. They discussed the details of the plan until the evening. And Philip went home in a very different mood.