Chapter 17

The next morning, Kurt, oddly enough, found Edna in the kitchen. Surrounded by the fragrance of raspberries and mint, she was preparing tea.

"Good morning, Edna. Isn't today your day off?" Kurt said cheerfully, feeling happy that he would be able to enjoy flavorful tea. He wanted to calm down after yesterday's reception, which he really didn't want to remember but couldn't get out of his head.

His thoughts, as though he were spellbound, kept returning to these memories. And every time, touching John's image, his heart quivered in fright and timidly or desperately tried to convince the mind that all the ugliness it had seen yesterday was just an obsession, an unsuccessful play of light and shade in the dim living room. But Kurt just sighed gloomily; his heart's attempts were in vain. Although, the illusion of beauty was so sweet... He admired John in these precious moments. And sometimes he wanted to say, "What, in fact, is an illusion? A point of view. Why can't I see the world from that point of view, where it is most perfect, because it makes me happy?"

And in those moments, Kurt would recall the words of his patients. Here it was, a self-deception. The unwillingness to see the truth because it's unattractive and causes suffering. Sometimes, the suffering was so cruel that the illusion became the only cure.

One becomes detached from reality, putting it into question, and gains the luxury of living in one's own world, where everything is obedient to one's desires. But if only it were that simple... Suddenly you completely lose touch with the outside world; you don't want to have contact with reality, and it is as if reality in turn were able to take revenge, it doesn't wish to have contact with you anymore.

"I thought you would be glad to drink a cup of fresh tea, wouldn't you, Mr. Rhein?" Edna smiled genuinely.

"With pleasure! But I think that you should rest."

"This stopped being work long ago," Edna said and smiled discreetly as a bright sadness appeared in her eyes. But Kurt was in no hurry to question her. Edna was very reticent and collected; Kurt liked that about her, and it forced him to respect her right to privacy.

"Let me ask you, how was the reception at Mr. Fenrir's? Did you find my advice helpful?" Edna asked softly, stirring the brew. Kurt barely suppressed a smile and thought, "This woman isn't so simple! Such an abstract and courteous phrase hides simple curiosity! While perhaps not simple."

"Thank you, Edna. Yesterday I had a great time at the reception."

Edna briefly looked at him as if looking for confirmation or refutation on his face. But now Kurt controlled his face perfectly; he was just surprised by Edna's curiosity.

"Could it be that she was doing it by John's request?" wondered Kurt in his thoughts.

"You can pass on my words to Mr. Fenrir," he added aloud, watching Edna. When he said this, she seemed a bit agitated but then hid it behind a courteous smile.

"Your tea is ready, Mr. Rhein. If you didn't need anything else, could I be free today?"

"Yes, of course, thank you."

Edna hastily withdrew. This haste wasn't hidden from Kurt's eyes and gave him new food for thought. A doubt began to creep into his soul. Could it be that Edna reported to John about everything that happened in Kurt's house?

Kurt didn't have time to think about it. He had scheduled several meetings for the day. Without delay, Kurt left the house. He stopped by a bookstore to pick up a book he had ordered a few days ago, and then he met with Mr. Cort, a publisher, from whom he was going to order copies of his new work.

At Ellington's, Kurt had lunch with Philip, who told him that Eliza was now studying at the Institute for Noble Maidens in Paris, and it made him incredibly happy. However, words were unnecessary, as Philip beamed with happiness. And Kurt was happy for him. Also from Philip, Kurt learned that Danee's gallery was closed not because Catherine burned with shame for her son's choice. It was for a complete change of the paintings on display because many of the paintings belonged to the Conte family.

Fortunately for Kurt, Philip said Catherine wasn't upset about having her affairs broken with them. Quite the contrary, she was full of ambitious ideas.

"How are you doing, my friend?" Philip finally asked.

At first, Kurt didn't know what to tell him. He didn't want to discuss his thoughts about John with anyone. More precisely, he didn't want to mar Philip's enthusiasm with anything.

"Ah, my friend," Kurt replied with a smile. "I wish my life was at least half as interesting as yours!"

Philip smiled broadly.

Truly a wonderful young man.

And disappointment over John pierced Kurt painfully again. Philip just exuded joy. He had no hidden thoughts, no desire to play with other people's feelings, none of this mysterious vanity and aspiration to rise above others, looking down on them with disdain. He was open, and his whole soul was in full view, and he was beautiful in all this sincerity.

Kurt felt regret that John was not like that. Two wishes fought in Kurt - to cease all contact with John or... to save him.

Oh, God, I'm so naive...

"It seems you're a bit dismayed," Philip asked sympathetically.

Kurt was somewhat detached from the conversation, occupied with his own thoughts. "No, no," he replied, forcing a smile.

"Is it because of... John?" Saying his name, Philip instantly darkened. That was what Kurt didn't want to have happened.

He realized with surprise that he didn't want to talk about John with Philip because Philip had seen John's ugliness long ago. Furthermore, he had no doubt about it and no pity for him.

And Kurt was even ashamed of his feelings. He wanted that John's ugliness, not his beauty, was an illusion. And this hope filled him with shame.

"Let's not talk about John," Kurt said, with no effort to make the phrase sound easier or more indifferent. He spoke from his heart, knowing that Philip would notice. Though Kurt wasn't ready to reveal all of his feelings about John to Philip, he trusted him. Philip's frankness and sincerity left him with no desire to pretend, even for the sake of decency.

As expected, Philip was surprised by Kurt's tone. "Did something happen between you and John? Is he not leaving you alone?" Philip's surprise quickly turned to irritation, and anger was brewing just beneath the surface.

Kurt felt a sense of regret as he noted Philip's obvious hatred towards John. The incident at the charity event and the way John had acted towards Eliza had been the last straw for Philip. Ties of kinship and social norms were no longer enough to deflect the wrongs inflicted by John on Philip's gentle soul. Now Philip hated his brother with all his heart, just as he had once loved him.

"Philip, I'd rather not talk about John. I'm sorry." Kurt pursed his lips and said nothing more. During the pause, Philip wanted to say something several times, but little by little he tried to pacify his feelings out of respect for Kurt, and finally, he succeeded. Of course, the atmosphere wasn't as cheerful, but for the rest of the lunch, they talked about abstract topics, which, nevertheless, somewhat relieved Kurt.

As they parted, Philip said seriously, "I understand that you're a famous psychologist and you understand many things better than me, but if you ever want to talk, I'll be a grateful listener, and I would be honored to be your friend."

This speech was somewhat stilted and awkward, but Kurt didn't doubt its sincerity, and because of that, he felt inexpressibly pleased. He smiled warmly, "Thank you, my friend. I will keep that in mind."

John didn't leave Kurt's thoughts until late at night.