Chapter 18

All week Kurt had been trying to decide whether he should go to John's again. He hoped that the pain in his heart would eventually subside, but it only grew stronger. The last two nights he had barely slept. Longing cruelly tormented his heart, and he could not find peace.

I have to see him!

Kurt dressed and got into a carriage. A couple of times he wanted to ask the cabman to turn back. Suddenly he was smitten with fear and unprecedented excitement at the thought of seeing John again.

What if today I don't see what I saw last time?

His heart exulted at this thought, and he was filled with the most sincere and desperate hope.

Will it mean that I'm blind and don't wish to see the truth?

And from this thought his heart again curled up, and fear embraced Kurt as if today his fate would be decided.

This time he walked through the garden hesitantly, as if sneaking. And in the crowd of guests, he suddenly felt a vague desire to be lost among them.

John came down around midnight. What was this waiting cost for Kurt? He avoided looking at John, being afraid... He didn't know what he was afraid of.

"Why am I so scared of being disappointed in John? Wouldn't it mean that I had won?" Kurt asked himself, slipping into the garden. "Wouldn't it mean that I was able to resist his charms, to see him as he really is? Not like others see him... Or they also don't want to see...?"

Kurt was even amazed by that thought. At this point, the people at the party ceased to seem like puppets but turned into miserable people whose empty souls could be filled by one glance of John's. And Kurt understood why all of them clung to John when he finally came down to the guests.

And still, it is self-deception. And whether they know it or not, it doesn't make them stronger, they live in self-deception...

Kurt's thoughts were interrupted.

"You suddenly decided to hide?"

Kurt winced; it was John's voice. The last time Kurt could resist him; he had seen the truth. What had happened to him now? John's voice intertwined with the cool darkness and delicate scent of blooming rose bushes. It intoxicated and fascinated him. Kurt's heart stopped, and then, as if leaning towards the source of sweet languor, trembled. And a pleasant shiver ran all over Kurt's body. He felt that he could no longer resist, but he was not afraid.

Why did I decide that I won? Maybe John planned it all, and I confused myself with my own thoughts. Now I feel like I'm cornered. But in the face of danger, I am suddenly befuddled... Did John fool me? Did I fool myself?

Absorbed by his thoughts, Kurt didn't answer. He still didn't dare to look at John's face. It was enough for his heart that John's voice was full of the same beauty. His heart no longer believed the arguments of the mind. It was sinking in these enchanting sounds.

"It's quiet here," Kurt said irrelevantly. Even these words weren't easy to say.

John approached him.

What has happened to me? Even the air breathes him, and I feel his approach with all my skin!

John looked at Kurt's face, and Kurt finally found strength and looked at John. Even if John's face had self-complacency, Kurt didn't see it.

I'm blind...

Regret from this thought lasted only a moment, and afterward, Kurt was captured by languor and sweet melancholy. He understood that all was written on his face, but he didn't care. Maybe he even hoped that John could read it, and what would be next - Kurt didn't want to think.

How short-sighted a human heart is. It wants only to quench its thirst for now, at this moment, even with poison, but only immediately, in this very minute.

"Yes, it is," suddenly agreed John. He turned to the dark garden and looked at the roses thoughtfully.

Kurt was willing to give so much for this moment to last forever. It seemed that John had opened a part of his soul. They were alone, and John was so calm, showing no similarity to the personality that Kurt had seen last time. Kurt's heart would exult, but now it was too fascinated.

They were silent, and Kurt thought this was franker than any conversation they might have had. Without saying a word, John moved on a path deep into the garden. As they walked, Kurt couldn't help but feel a sense of mystique in the air. The moonlit garden was bathed in a soft glow, casting long shadows across the gravel path. The air was filled with the heady scent of blooming flowers, adding to the atmosphere.

John walked with confident grace as if he knew the garden like the back of his hand. Kurt felt like he was in a dream, mesmerized by the beauty around him. When they finally arrived at the arbor, the sight took Kurt's breath away. The intricate latticework was draped in blooming vines and the soft light filtering through the leaves created a mesmerizing pattern on the ground. They stepped inside, and the scent of roses filled their nostrils, enveloping them in a sweet embrace.

A vast lake lay ahead of them, reflecting the dark, starry sky in its tranquil waters. A crescent was glaring in the cloudless sky.

"My father hated roses," John said suddenly and fell silent again.

Kurt was surprised. He had to force himself to think because all he wanted now was to enjoy every moment and feel it fully. And yet...

Did John plant roses just because he hated his father...?

That was all that Kurt was capable of. John looked pensively at the lake, and Kurt allowed himself to look at his face. Illuminated by moonlight, it seemed even more beautiful to Kurt. He slid his gaze from John's high forehead and expressive eyebrows to his slightly pursed lips. He didn't want to think or analyze. He surrendered to the charm and allowed illusions to capture him, and there was no place in his heart for fear or regret.