I had never believed in all those dreams before. 

I think I was just too delusional to even get myself to think about them. 

And maybe I was. 

I still don’t know. 

The sharp edge of those delusions had always seemed so normal… and I was comfortable with how they felt. 

But then, I got closer to the surface of all those stars… made myself believe in stories I had never even thought about. 

And, even though I know they were all real… the moment I walked through that door and heard those words… all those tragic memories came back, and all those feelings that had never gotten so close to my heart…

…seemed to fade in the inevitable cruelty of what I always tried to run away from. 

The real nightmare that would always keep me awake at night.

“Hey, dad. What are you doing?”

It was my brother’s voice. Cole’s voice.

“Are you drunk? Really? You said you were gonna give up drinking a long time ago. Fuck me…”

They were in the living room. I managed to take a look from the corridor without being noticed. 

“Agh. Leave me the fuck alone, Cole. I can’t bear it anymore. I’m fucking done.”

It was horrible. Especially because of the way my brother’s face looked. I hadn’t seen him that worried in a long time. 

“Are you serious? I thought you wanted to do better. You promised, dad. What are you gonna do if Ethan sees you like this?”

Dad then slammed his beer can on the floor. He seemed upset. 

“Yeah, that’s right. Where’s that brat? He should be home by now.”

“He told me he was going to hang out with some friends tonight. That’s good, you know? Since we moved here, he’s had trouble making friends and getting along with other kids. I think it’ll be good for him to spend time with more people his age.”

That was the first time I had heard Cole say something like that. 

Did he really think that? Was I so easy to read?

Well, maybe I was. I guess always seeing me only with Jay made him think something like that. But there’s that one other thing that struck me. 

Does he actually know… how lonely and sad I have been feeling too?

That was something I definitely hadn’t told anyone. Not Jay. And not even him.

“Ahh, fuck! That kid always does whatever he wants, doesn’t he?!”

“What are you talking about, dad?”

The ominous look my father gave Cole was… completely scary. 

“It’s all your fucking fault, Cole… You can’t even watch over that goddamn brat, and now you’re trying to tell me off?”

“What? You know I’m always trying to look after him. How can you say something like th–”

“Shut it!”

Dad slapped Cole in the face. The sound was… heartbreaking. But what broke my heart even more was the way my brother’s eyes looked. It was almost as if his very own soul was fading away. I knew he was starting to lose himself in the depths of that miserable darkness. The darkness he had always been trying to protect me from…

“You’d better get your shit together before I make you, Cole. And so does your brother. I’m tired of your fucking excuses and the way you spoiled rats behave.”

…but now I had been able to see it first hand. I was now a part of that darkness, and I knew that I couldn’t run away from it. 

“Enough!” I said, cutting my father’s words. 

“Ethan? What are you–?”

I knew it. Cole, despite everything, still wanted to protect me. But I was sure. Now, it was my turn to protect myself.

“What are you so scared of, dad? Why are you doing this?”

“What? You little—”

“Maybe Cole has forgiven you after everything you’ve done. But I still can’t. And it saddens me, ‘cause you said you were trying to change. Cole believed in you, as well. Maybe he believed in you more than you even believed in yourself. But now, look at you. Back to square one. Back to the same shit that made us all so miserable… the same shit that made mom kill herself.”

My dad’s eyes seemed even more surprised. 

“You ungrateful brat! How dare you say–?!”

But, what might have even surprised him even more… was the way the tears suddenly started flowing down my face. 

It was all over. 

I thought the stars had told me before that I still had the right to let myself dream. But the image of that person who made my life so miserable made it all so clear. 

Everything was falling apart. 

Now those words don’t mean absolutely anything. 

“I’m sorry, dad. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. I always tried to think that, maybe… someday… we would be able to relive those times when everything was so much simpler. It was all so vague… but I still hoped so. Now I know. I know it’s impossible. Because I look at you… and all I can see is a scared soul whose only dream is to make everyone else miserable in order to protect itself from its own fears.”

Dad didn’t even know what to say. Cole seemed shocked as well. 

But I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t. And I know that, maybe, I would end up regretting those words. But that was how I truly felt, and if that was the only way that one dark ray of misery could leave my heart at once… then I would have always said it again.

“It’s so unfair… Why? Why did it have to be her? Why did mom have to die?”

Those tears felt as painful and cruel as ever. 

“Why couldn’t you have died instead?”

Both their eyes opened wide. 

Dad fell to his knees. Even though he had been like that just before, those words had still been able to struck him to the core. 

Cole, on the other hand, came up to me and smacked me in the head. 

“Don’t ever… say that again. Got me?”

I couldn’t believe it. In spite of everything he had to go through… all the pain he experienced… all the times he put my dreams above his… In spite of that, he still held on to that faint ray of hope. 

Maybe I should have tried to understand him. Maybe he was right. But still… it was impossible for me to believe in that kind of future. All I could see was a dark, cold road. And the destiny it led to… was just as dark and cold. 

Nonetheless, I couldn’t say anything.

All I could do was run away, just like I had always done. 

I went upstairs and locked myself in my room. 

I just wished I could have asked him that. Maybe that way I could have understood why he fought so desperately for that.

Tell me, brother. Despite that… Even though you wanted to protect me so much… Even though you still wanted to believe in dad that much… Why? Why were you crying like that?

✑

Now, once again, the stars have stopped shining. And just as I thought I was closer to reaching that dream, the heaviness of that delusion came to show me that, in reality, that is truly the world I live in. 

I had almost forgotten… Those feelings never cease to hunt me. 

In the end, I'm always the one who ends up crying. 

Maybe that's the only fairy tale I"ll ever get to see come true. A tale about a broken heart… fantasies that may never get to shine. 

Now, I've reached for her photo one more time. And I know she's dead… I know she can't hear my regrets. But, even so, her heart seems to be the only place where the answer to that question is hidden. 

And, even though I know that place doesn't exist anymore, I still trick myself into thinking that, somehow, I will find it there. 

So, despite everything… if my voice is still able to reach you… please, tell me, mom…

When will I stop being such a sad story, too?

✑