After I took a bath and got changed, I found the thick novels my father had sent a maid to bring to me from his study. They were titled in quite a dramatic fashion. 

"The End Times for Humanity" and "Serenity of War". 

I moved them from my stand and placed one on my desk to start reading.

The thought came to me that I should go to the dojo soon. Then I remembered that I would have to decide first if I'd even continue with the sword training.

I tried getting into the book, but after four pages it felt too forced for me to continue.

What's up with me today? I can't seem to concentrate. I don't even want to even seriously think about her question yet either. Whatever, let's just go for a walk. I thought to myself. 

I hadn't yet realized what was going on in my mind.

I started down the hall of the bedrooms then descended to the second floor which housed the various recreational rooms. None of them gave me any interest. 

By the time I reached the first floor, I already knew I wasn't interested in anything there either. The empty high tower near the gatehouse became my new destination for the moment. 

I crossed to the other end of the courtyard that was just a sunless alleyway away from the training grounds my older siblings were currently practicing on.

This high tower was meant for an interior defense so it's scouting capability outside the castle walls was far worse than the staffed tower near the gatehouse. 

One step at a time I ascended the high tower, I peered every so often out of one of the many slits around the spiral stairs.

I reached the top and just stared straight into the sky. There was a weightless feeling that spread across my body. In spite of that, I developed a headache.

"Young master? Will you be heading to the dojo again today?"

"Hilly?"

I hadn't noticed her trailing footsteps when I exited my room. Distractions had begun pestering me the moment I awoke. It was mostly the memories of feelings rather than visual memories.

"Pardon my intrusion young master I didn't mean to cause you distress again."

"No, it's not that at all. About the dojo, I think I can afford to take a break from training."

"That's quite alright young master, you're still following your whims as a growing boy. I'll continue to endeavor in supporting you."

I made a habit of 'taking breaks' before.

This is how it starts. I take a day off now. I take the easy way out later. Then I don't have to worry about anything for the foreseeable future. Magic is convenient enough and my young mind can easily learn anything my father asks of me. I knew this scenario well.

This is how potential dies.

Why did I hesitate to just tell Teresa I don't want to have those nightmares anymore?

The cause was hidden in the memories I would've rather forgotten.

As a child my mother would always tell me how special I was. That I would do something great in life.

When I entered elementary school I was considered a troublemaker and didn't get along with anyone. It all changed when I was told by the principal himself that I would end up in a school for children worse than me. The kind where unruly minors were trusted to do nothing and might even escalate to being kept in a cell with no food. I never knew if it was a scare tactic or real, but it was enough to stop me from acting out.

I spent the rest of elementary school being careful not to cause any trouble, and this ended up meaning always keeping up with my studies and homework to not get called out for poor grades.

By middle school I ended up mistaken as a timid child that didn't speak very much and generally came off as anti-social. My grades, however, gave everyone the impression that I was secretly some genius level child that kept to themselves. It wasn't true, I would make short acquaintances with a rare few people that over the course of time knew about my interests and real personality. 

None of them ever spoke to me again after I finished middle school. I started assuming then that I just wasn't someone anyone could ever call 'friend'.

As a high schooler I was at the top of my class, and that position was rather easy to obtain and maintain considering the way people treated education in public schools. What came after that was another story. 

I had gone to college and found myself in a haze of solitude and apathy. I dropped out before the second semester even began.

Returning to my parents didn't feel too bad at the time. Then I stayed in my room and did little but play games online. A decade had passed in the blink of an eye. That's how little I had experienced in ten years.

I had nothing to show for it. I started to blame and resent my parents for my own mediocrity. For my own pathetic existence. 

Not a single person came to ever visit me or console me during this time. I never made a single lasting friendship or bond in my entire existence up to that point. 

My life at the time, it seemed, would never get better. I was simply worthless. I was disgusting. I was the most pitiful human being in the world because I could have been someone or done something, yet I was nobody and did nothing. 

I fucking hated myself.

"Young master? What's the matter?"

I couldn't hold back the tears. My head was filled to burst with the anguish that flooded in from those painful memories. The pain that emanated from my head only worsened as the tears slid down my cheeks.

How could I ever hope to become something different than what I was if I'm not willing to keep myself on track?

How can I even begin to see a future where I can be proud of myself when I can tell that I haven't even changed from being the person I despise?

I kept beating these thoughts into myself. It felt all but certain that I could not change who I was, nor who I was cursed to be when I realized the memories alone could not overcome my nature.

"I'm sorry if this is unprofessional master, but I can't stand to see you cry."

Hilly held me in her arms. I was reminded of what came next. The habits I drilled into myself as I accepted and moved on from the youth I wasted. 

I taught myself how to cook properly to maintain a diet.

I took care of my unkempt body that hadn't been properly trained in years.

I found a temporary job while I studied to enter a better paying field.

Slowly but surely I found my stride to function not just as a member of society but as a human being. Someone who could forgive themselves, and, potentially, someone who could become loved.

"It's nothing Hilly, I just felt a little sad is all. It's not your fault."

I'd done it once before, I could do it again. I didn't need to spend any more time on tiny pieces of meaningless thrill when I have the rest of my life ahead of me. 

I have the chance now to become the kind of man that a child, who dreamt of ruling the world once upon a time, could look up to. That was my last thought as I put myself together to continue what I'd started to falter on.

I read through as much as I could from the history books father gave to me and followed up with sword training at the dojo. I won't be complacent anymore.

When the time came to give Teresa my answer, I had no more doubts and gave my decision without hesitation.

"Bring it on! I'll do whatever it takes to master your father's teachings."

"Very well."

"Oh! But, please be kind enough to speak to me every once in a while after the nightmare, alright?"

"I can agree to that."