Aaryan Khanna

I was sitting at the park with the gate beside a giant tree on my left. The metallic bench where Vikram sits to run the gang was on my front, some steps away, at the center of the park. I was at the back right corner of the park at that time.

The sun had set, and it was about seven, perhaps. I had my head tilted down, with the fucking vape in my mouth, like always, ya see. My back was tilted frontward and my hands were between my thighs, my legs spread sufficiently.

Clomp. Clomp. Clomp. Clomp.

I heard some footsteps approaching me. Suddenly, someone thumped a bag on the ground and sat down beside me. For some time, all I knew about him was that he was in a white t-shirt and pants, along with white cricket shoes. His skin color was dark.

Pat! He patted on my back. I turned my head to my left, and looked at his chest. I then moved my eyes upward and looked at Sooraj’s serious face as he looked at me. “What’s up, man?”

“Just vaping, pal. Do ya want one?”

“Nah,” He said as he turned his head to the front. “So, why are you vaping now?”

I turned my head down again. I moved the vape out of my mouth, blew out a little cloud of smoke, and then said, “Ya see, I failed the math half-yearly. So I have a retest tomorrow.”

“I understand ya, man.” He turned to me. “But this education is useless in real life. Don’t worry, it doesn’t define your capabilities at all.”

I smiled a little as I moved that vape inside my mouth again. “Yeah, pal. But… But a degree… That shit is all it means in this country. Only a fucking degree gets you a job here.”

“… Yeah.”

“And I want a good job. I want to be successful in life. I want to be someone people can look upon, someone people admire, someone… someone people can love.”

He smiled and said, “I love ya, man. We all legit do.”

“I knew ya were gay,” I replied with another smile.

“Ahahaha,” He laughed a little as he patted on my back once again. He then fixed his hand on my left shoulder.

My smile soon faded. “Ya know, man, all of the nerdy guys and girls are loved… just because they get those shitty marks.”

“They’re good at memorizing, and they—”

“Whatever that is. These fucking assholes only care about marks. And… that’s what matters to get a good job and a good life, pal.”

“Hmm…” He nodded, seriously glaring frontward, ya see.

“And, they… they don’t get to face shit like I do, just… just because I get low marks. They are not humiliated, they are not seen as the bad guys, they don’t need to be scolded for every little shit they do. They live perfect lives… filled with happiness.” My eyes were filled with emotions. “And ya know what, they fucking don’t need to act like that. They are just… that. They are born with those shitty traits admired by our fucked up society. Why am I not born with such traits?! Why can’t I study and get good grades like them?! Why… Why am I a loser and they ain’t?!”

Both of us remained silent for a couple of seconds after that sentence of mine. My head was tilted down, and Sooraj was gazing at the front aimlessly, lost in his own thoughts.

Then, I broke the silence. “I… I just can’t compete with those fucking… toppers… however hard I try. I see them smiling on the top, and imagine that… they’d certainly go to a good college, get a shiny degree, get a high paying job, and then maybe fly outside the country too, and live a life of riches happily. And I… I might become a shopkeeper like my dad, fucking grinding my ass day and night… just to live a decent life.”

“… Not everyone can study, can they?” He said. His eyes were fixed at the front, aimlessly, like lost in thoughts. “It’s just like in cricket—some players are good, some bad. Some can play with ease, and some… just can’t learn to play well, however hard they try.” He turned his head down, his eyes and lips upset. “I understand how ya feel, man. Because I failed too. It was the last under-fifteen tournament of my life, and… and still now, I’m unable to do anything. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to play under-nineteen from next year or not. I… I too am a legit loser… a dickhead who fucked his own life.”

“… I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be.” His tone cracked, and his throat was filled with a lump of emotions. “At least, ya think about all of it, while I just…”

I gulped in. I then straightened my back up and turned to my left at him. “Don’t worry, pal. Ya will fuck their asses next year.”

“It… feels like I’m in a shitty form… all my fucking life.”

I patted his back. “Let’s smoke one… together. What else can we do?”

“Yeah, right. Gimme one, man. I need it.”

“That’s why the two of us used to smoke. Unlike others who did it just for fun or addiction, vaping was our way to fucking forget all the shitty complexities of our lives. Both of us were fucking losers. Both of us were fucking failures. And when we fail, ya see, we make excuses, and that’s why we used to blame this shitty education system, when perhaps that’s just how education is fucking supposed to be. We both were living such shitty lives. And… it was about to get fucking worse, pal. Everything that had happened to me was nothing. Nothing in front of what was about to happen. Everything was fucked, but everything was gonna get fucked even more, ya see. To another fucking extent. And, that night… I’ll never forget that night. I’ll never forget those nights, because… it’s nights like these that make me feel wanted, that make me feel that… I got someone beside me… who understands me… and who will be there for me… and that… I’m not in this shit alone. I’m not the only failure of this system. There were others like me too, who were with me.”