‘Maybe you should try writing a letter”

“A letter? and what, send it to him?”

“No. Not exactly.”

“Do I have to talk to him?”

“I think it will make you feel better.”

“What if he tells me he already knew? Or worse, he tells me he had no idea, and I’ve been living in delusion for all these years?”

“I think you are spiraling.” Mar reaches for my shoulder, “Did he really ask out Amber?”

“Yes. I still can't believe it myself.” i roll my eyes at the thought

“Amber?!” Mar seemed more confused than me

Mar was one of my older friends. Literally, she was 26 and had recently gotten married. She stood at 5 feet and was soft spoken, but there was something about the way she carried herself that you couldn’t miss her, not even in a crowd. Her being Hispanic might’ve helped, but I’d like to think it was her welcoming personality. When we met she was easy to open up to, and I didn’t feel like she judged me for my delusions. Ever since, whenever I had a problem with processing my feelings or in this case, a problem with a boy, I always think of her. I knew she had been in a previous relationship before marrying. Which is why I thought she could help me. Unfortunately her idea of helping me involved me talking to the boy i never wanted to see again. Ever. 

“Do I need to? I want you to think very clearly… Do you really think it's a good idea for me," I point at myself, “to approach the one person I highly dislike? Especially when I could potentially end up saying some really hurtful things to him?”

“That’s what the letter is for.” Mar starts to explain, “write down your feelings, and if and when you decide to speak to him, you can always hand him the letter. If the words become too difficult to say.”

I nod to signal that I’m understanding the concept. 

“If you choose not to talk to him, you can always keep the letters and look back at what you were feeling. If not, you can also burn or throw them away. It’s up to you.” Mar pointed towards my notebook, “Besides, from a writer’s perspective, this could be a good exercise. And if it’s too difficult, think of it as a journal entry” 

I stare at the blank page in my notebook. 

And stare 

And stare…

So this is harder than I thought. 

All I have to think about is how I feel. 

Mar’s words echoes in my head 

“…Think about it like a journal entry”

Friday, June 30 

A little of an update.

My life is a mess. 

So a month or so ago, two of my friends decided they liked each other so much that they decided to get to know each other better and they decided to make it official a few weeks ago. But that’s not the point. The point is that the guy I like(d) decided that if they could, so could he. And he did. Only not with me. 

(Which is fine, everyone is entitled to like whoever they want. Just for a while he (kinda) was leading me on. Which is probably why is hurt so much)

He decided to ask out The person. The one person that I vowed to never let anyone make me second choice to her. 

He went and asked her out. He got rejected. He cried. Got consoled. And a few hours later he was by my side smiling and pulling me back in. 

This guy really came and invited me to spend the day with him the next day. And since I didn’t have a car at the time, he offered to pick me up at my house. He then canceled/ turned down two plans just because he wanted to “hang out” with me and my cousins. And once he got his “little ego boost,” it was like I never existed. 

It’s funny that in my last entry I was kinda jealous of my friends for taking a chance and confessing their feelings for each other. Now I want to crawl into a hole. 

Honestly, I still can’t talk to him. I don’t even want to see him. He has tried to contact me, but I’ve tried to keep it to a minimum.

 At this point, I can’t tell if I’m sad or pissed. I think it might be a mixture of both. 

When I finished I realized I had more to write than I originally thought. I was so focused on pretending that I hadn't realized that I was genuinely hurt. More so by how I was treated. 

At the time, it felt nice.

I felt like after all the years I had spent following him, defending him to my friends,(and defending his behavior towards me) that maybe, maybe he had finally noticed I was there. 

But no. I now felt like my only use was making him feel better about himself. 

And now that he won’t even look in my direction, I feel unwanted. 

I meet up with Mar a couple of days later at a coffeehouse to show her the letter and see what she thinks. Coincidentally this is also the place she works. 

“Do you think it sounds ridiculous? Does it sound like I’m jealous? It sounds like I’m jealous” I confess to Mar 

“Logan.  I think it sounds fine. And you being jealous isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It’s your feelings. Not his.”

“I guess. I want to make it clear that I’m not jealous. At least not because he asked her out and not me. I can understand that he probably doesn’t see me that way. But it’s the way he came to me afterwards. That’s what’s hurting me.” I shake my head as I’m trying to hold back tears. 

“Amber?” Mar starts to laugh 

“I know! That’s what I said” I also start to laugh

“Did he think she would say yes? He’s so… he's so plain.”

“Hey. I liked him. That seems like an insult to me.” 

“Yea. But still. Look at you and look at him.”

“I don’t know. I want to think it was because I was young. But as we got older, I still feel… felt,” I correct myself hoping Mar doesn’t notice, “the same way. I was still attracted to him.” 

Mar doesn’t buy it, “you still like him don’t you?” 

“No” I look away to try to convince her, “I don’t. Not after what he did.” 

“You know it’s perfectly normal to still like him.” Mar reached for my hand. “You liked him for so many years. And were friends long before that. It’s completely normal for a certain amount of fondness to stay behind. Also I assume that he was your first love.”

“He’s not.”

“How would you know?”

“I’ve never been in love, but I can assure you, That wasn’t it.” 

“If you are so convinced of it, then I’ll press no longer. And as much as I enjoy hearing the weekly gossip you bring me. I have to get back to work. Rush hour is about to begin.” She starts to stand up from the table, “you’ll be fine. Besides, what you deserve is an Actual man. Not a boy who thinks it’s acceptable to treat you the way he did.” She kisses my forehead and leaves for work. 

I start to put my notebook and laptop into my bag when I hear a familiar voice

“What’s up Mar? How’s John?”

I can hear Mar answering, but I can't make out what she’s saying. 

Oh no 

I try to hide my face by bending down towards my bag that’s on the floor. I can see a pair of familiar shoes walking in my direction

Oh no 

“Logan?” 

The familiar voice sounds too familiar. 

It’s inevitable. 

I look up 

“Noah!” I say chirpier than usual. 

“What are you doing here?” Noah hold his hand out to shake mine

“I came to visit Mar on her lunch break.” I reach towards his hand and realize my hand is shaking. 

I quickly draw back and try to hide my hands. 

My thoughts start racing. Why are my hands shaking? Can he hear the fear and panic in my voice?

“What are you doing here?” I retort, hoping that’ll distract him 

“Oh, I was working in the area and decided to stop by. I haven’t seen Mar or John in a while and wanted to say hi. Also, food. I was getting hungry.” He glances at my satchel, “I hope I didn’t interrupt you while you were working.” He point towards my notebook 

God I hope I closed it before shoving it into my bag

I look at my bag, it’s closed. 

 “oh yeah, no. I wasn’t working. Well I was, but I’m finished now.” I stood up in hopes I would stop rambling. “I’m… I was about to leave.” 

“Oh, well I won’t take up more of your time.” He flashed a smile. 

I can actually feel my knees going weak 

“Bye.” I weakly smile back and start to walk away

“Oh and Logan,” Noah says 

I turn back 

“I hope to be the first to read whatever you're working on.” Noah smiles and starts to walk towards the counter

Shit. He knows.