Content/Trigger Warning: This chapter includes depictions of suicidal thoughts. If you are having thoughts of suicide today, consider contacting a helpline for free, confidential help. You can find a list here: https://findahelpline.com/fr/topics/suicidal-thoughts

The delivery man handed the large pizza box to Ash and left swiftly. 

She hadn't gone out nor spoken to another person for the past few months. Dust was covering her shelves. She couldn't remember the last time she checked her phone or emails. All she could recall was those red bubbles that had popped on the corner of almost all of her apps. 

After reading a few messages, she turned off the still chiming device and stowed it in the bottom drawer of her desk. She was surrounded by people who only had demands for her. As if her sole purpose was about satisfying others’ needs. Her former bosses, employees, and colleagues, her friends, her family, her exes. But now, she no longer had the capacity to care. 

She clutched at the flat red and blue box like a leprechaun to his pot of gold. 

World, leave me alone. I have nothing left to give you. Let me just think about little old selfish me for a while. I’ll let you know when I’m ready to take your crap again, she sent telepathically to the universe.  

She headed to the living room. Her favorite show was on. She lifted the cardboard lid and smiled. The smell of melted cheese was the best. She gulped down the first piece of pizza as a group of Vikings were fighting on screen. 

After she quit Helios, the initial feeling of liberation quickly faded and soon, only a sensation of hollowness remained. Her job had been the only thing that had helped her keep her head above the water when Anne-Sophie left. Now that it was over too, she no longer knew what she was supposed to be or what she had to do. 

She had spent the last decade jumping from battle to battle, fighting her way through thick vines of skepticism and spite, investing most of her energy in bettering herself. All to reap failure after failure. She was tired. She just wanted to disappear from the face of the earth.

She found that the best way to numb her mind was through binge-watching and reading. Any work of fiction in any format would do, as long as she wasn’t left alone with those belittling voices inside her head. All she wished for was for the noise to stop. 

Luckily, I don’t like alcohol, hard drugs, or gambling. Otherwise, I’d have spiraled down much quicker. 

She cackled as the fierce blonde warrior planted her axe into the barbaric man’s back, saving a peasant girl in the process. Oh, how she liked that character. 

She had finished chewing the last piece of pizza and the final episode was over. As the screen went black, she saw her reflection and barely recognized herself. Her brown hair had grown down to reach her chest, just like when she was younger, but her face told another story. Although she was spending most of her days sleeping, she had dark circles under her eyes and her lips were downturned. In the absence of social interactions, her face had started to sag. She looked ten years older. 

Her gaze wandered to the now empty box, where a knife lay above a greasy patch. She fixed the pointy end and wondered if the blade would be sharp enough to cut through her skin. A handful of seconds passed in utter silence while her mind was imagining all sorts of macabre scenarios. 

She shook her head forcefully and wiped the tears that had begun to form at the corner of her eyes. 

She grabbed the controller and chose the first suggested show to watch next. Anything to prevent her from being stuck in that loop, again.

Author's note

Thanks for reading Chapter 3 of The Last Blue Mage! I hope you enjoyed this one despite the rather gloomy atmosphere. Do let me know what you think!

Suicidal thoughts aren't talked about very much, but many people experience them during their lives. If you're having them too, you're not alone. There are many helplines that offer free, confidential help (see the link above). 

Take care,

A. H.