Pretending
Ch.2.2
Theo's pov
I still can't get over what happened yesterday! I really lost my virginity to Nathan Hames of all people! I'm still so embarrassed about yesterday. Never in a million years, I would give up my virginity to him or even do it regardless.
I never thought he had that part in him. He really..made me lose my mind. It's as if all my worries of mine are gone!
As much as it's strange I give in to him, I can't help but say I loved it!
I never thought I would love hooking up with someone that much let alone with Nathan. I don't know why I restrained myself so much from losing my virginity. My worries about getting pregnant shouldn't have retrained me from the pleasure of sex because sex felt like heaven! I must admit I want to do it again!
Ok, I know the risks involved but I worried for nothing, it was one time and everything is fine as Nathan says.
Nonetheless, those last few days were exceptional circumstances I never deemed possible.
I just don't know what it is all about. I'm so confused. Yesterday just happened...It's as if I lost all sense of reality last night and I think I still feel the effects of it, like an ass that hurts. Though, I don't know why I'm letting him do that in the first place...
I've hated him for the past 9 years or so but suddenly we are hooking up together as if all those years never happened!
My feelings towards Nathan are all over the place, I'm so confused. I just thought it was a phase where I just needed to get laid but ever since we did it last night, I just can't help but think of him.
It's all so confusing. I don't know what last night meant. Was it mutual? Was he only playing with my feelings? I hope not because I badly fell for it. That would be horrible if he did.
I have many questions left unanswered and I don't know what to do about it. I've never felt that way.
Like, does he really like me or did he just want my body? Is last night gonna happen again? Is this gonna go somewhere? Are we going to start dating?
Ugh, I don't know. I'm all new to this! I just don't know what to do. Is he as confused as I am? Does he want this as much as I want to? I genuinely don't know. I just wish I can see him again and clarify all this mess.
I wish I could ask someone for some advice or something but it's not like I can. I can't just say that to Brooke. She'll be horrified. I haven't come out to her yet...Only Nathan knows...
Regardless, she still hasn't forgiven him for what he did in the past to her. She got her heart broken by him and I doubt she'd want to see my heart be broken by him too.
We all know how Nathan is. She just won't understand if I tell her I suddenly like him. After all, she's always known me to hate him.
I can't say a word to my other friends either. They don't even know I'm gay! That's too risky. Ben just recently became my best friend and I have no interest in losing him that fast.
Can't say anything to my mom or my sister Tamara either. I haven't come out to them either! I know it's crazy...
So I guess as much as it hurts me I have to pretend all of this hasn't happened. I hate lying but I guess I have no other choice.
Now I badly want to see Nathan again. I desperately need to know what all this is.
Guess the next time I'll get to see him is our tutoring session tomorrow. Somehow I'm actually looking forward to it for the first time. I guess I expect something out of it. Like yesterday...
——————
I still can't believe it's still happening. We did it again after our tutoring session yesterday! I swear! I only wanted to clarify what this was but he only made me fall for his trap. So of course we ended up doing it again.
Of course, it only left me even more confused. We didn't clarify anything only that apparently this will be a thing from now on.
As surprising as it is, I love the pleasure of sex but I also hate him. Now I'm starting to want to initiate more and I don't know why. He makes me so confused!
It's so weird seeing him in a different light. He doesn't treat me the same way. He has always been a huge jerk and now he's being all nice to me?
I get that's what he has to do in this case but I don't get him. He's so confusing.
I tried initiating a conversation but he didn't want to answer any of my questions. It's strange...and also frustrating...
I feel guilty that in front of my friends, I have to pretend I'm still the goody two shoes that I am, as Nathan likes to mention. While behind closed doors I'm hooking up with mister bad boy.
So obviously this remains a secret and I have every intention to leave it as a secret.
Regarding Nathan what makes it even more confusing is that he's not gay technically right? He might be experimenting and that's what bothers me. Deep down, I wish it wasn't.
Through this, we seem to be on the same page whenever we're together but he might be playing with my heart and I surely hope not.
——————-
It's been almost a week now and it's Thursday and honestly, I can't wait for it to be the weekend already.
Nathan and I are still hooking up now almost every single day.
I know that it's wrong but I can't bring myself to stop. I can't stop feeling those sensations and feelings I have with Nathan. It just feels so good!
Anyways, I can't wait to see Nathan this weekend without having to pretend.
We've been doing it in secret of course. Pretending sucks really.
Every time I'm with my friends or just in school in general, I have to pretend nothing is going on.
As much as I hate it nobody can know about me and Nathan, are we even us? I don't know at this point. Everyone knows Nathan and I hate each other's guts but they probably won't be too supportive knowing we have been hooking up behind closed doors.
It's not only the fact that I haven't come out of the closet to the whole school that makes me have to keep this a secret.
The girls that Nathan has a history with would kill me. I don't want people bullying me or making fun of me, I don't want some nasty rumours about us either. So we have been keeping it low.
I'm supposed to see Nathan after school for a tutoring session but we both know that we won't end up doing that. He said he'll be waiting for me on the walls behind the school, so nobody can see us. Oh gosh, I hope he's not going there to smoke.
I hate it when he smokes, his breath is disgusting but I can't stop myself with him either way. We went from hating each other's guts to doing whatever this is. I like to say it's complicated.
Sometimes I wish our relationship would be more defined but who am I kidding? I don't even know if I love him. This is all very confusing. Oh crap, the bell just rang, guess I'm late to class...
——————
Finally, English class is over, I was busy thinking the whole period about surprisingly not only Nathan but Ben too. I thought about why Ben was suddenly acting so cold earlier.
Yeah, I think I somehow hurt Ben's feelings earlier. I didn't mean to. He wanted just the two of us to hang out together without Kean, which I found strange.
As I've been using my entire free time lately just to see Nathan well...I couldn't say yes, obviously. He kept asking me if I was available tomorrow and when I kept refusing he just kept going into he realized that I'm really not available.
I hope he doesn't think it's because I don't want to hang out with him. I really do like it, it's just he doesn't know that Nathan takes priority right now.
Of course, I also thought of Nathan, like always.
I head towards the cafeteria with my lunch. I go sit on the table I usually sit on. Well looks like Ben is indeed mad at me. He isn't even at our usual table, even Kean isn't there. He's probably eating with Ben since those two are basically glued to the hip.
"Hey, where's your little friend?" Unbelievable. She just called him that? I thought we were all friends.
"Shut up, Pamela."
"Rude much, you f**ked someone but now they don't want you anymore?"
Ugh! What is wrong with her? Pamela is a nice girl and all but sometimes she gets on my nerves. How does she know that I'm being f**ked by Nathan? It's not like she specified a gender or a certain person but she sure knows I'm hooking up with someone, is it obvious?
"Hey! What's your problem today Pamela?"
Brooke has a frightened look on her right now. She doesn't like it when me and Pamela get into it.
"Nothing, nothing, come on sit down."
She sure knows how to make sure we never speak of this. Though I won't forget what she said to me. How can I? Ugh, girls always know everything as they say on the tv. It's fun when they do but not in this case.
I hope my sister Tamera won't figure it out and hope to god not my mom too. I haven't actually talked to her this week since I'm always at Nathan's house. We never go to my house because my sister is always there. I can't have her suspect anything.
What if somebody figured it out and threw some nasty rumour about me and Nathan? I shake it off quickly from my head and I start to smile again.
Anyways what makes me happy right now is Nathan as weird as it sounds. Wanting to see your enemy that much should be illegal but you know, in our case it's more important than that. I just can't wait to see him again.
——————-
Gosh, can the weekend come faster than that? At least it's Friday today. I'll finally get to see him after school since we can't risk being caught at school.
Though we don't really have a relationship outside of being sex buddies. We rarely held conversations so far, whether it's small talk and oh geez, you can't count on having a deep conversation. I guess that's because of our history.
I'll be honest here, my feelings have evolved. It feels like those days I wish we'd do more than just sex. It's amazing sure but that's not only what I want.
I don't know why I'm feeling that way nor do I know what it means. I only imagine myself in Nathan's arms as surprising as it is.
Even though I wish we could be more, I don't think this could ever work. I guess I have to keep pretending nothing is going on till I get bored of Nathan. I don't think I'll ever do but...
"Mmm!"
I don't know what's going on but someone has their hands on my mouth. Huh? I'm confused about what is going on. Wait is that Nathan? What's he doing here? P.E. just ended and we are in the locker room? So why's he here?
Everyone can see us. Wait oh, never mind, I guess I got too lost in my thoughts that I didn't notice everyone left but why is he here? We are at school. What is he doing?
He releases his hand from my mouth just to start pushing me toward the walls and pushing his body toward me.
"That's it I can't take it anymore."
He starts kissing me aggressively and I can feel something hard on my thigh. Are we gonna have sex at school!?
As my senses come back for a short few seconds, I realize it's his cock that is extremely hard. How is he that hard without ever being near me today?!
He grits his teeth as if in discomfort and already has a racked breath. Huh? Oh, it's...his cock right? It must feel uncomfortable down there in his black jeans. It's probably begging me to take me. I can't help but moan at the thought of that. I am already fully aroused by then.
He grits his teeth even more and stares straight at me with still a racked breath.
I can tell he's about to jump me any second now.
Then he does it. He grabs my dick even though I still have my pants on. Ugh damn, why is he doing that? Ugh, it's pure torture! I want my pants off and my briefs too! I can't help but moan at the sensations.
"Ahh!" I moan as he continues playing with my dick still in the fabric of my pants.
"Shh, you don't want anybody to hear us, right?" Right, we are at school. I forgot for a second there...
"Mmm..."
I guess we're actually gonna do it at school but at this point, I don't care! I just want him to stop making me go through so much torture!
He finally kisses me everywhere on my neck, all the while still stroking my dick that's still covered by my pants. Ugh, I'm already leaking precum. I'm sure he can tell because he smiles.
Suddenly, he stops kissing me and kneels. Huh? What is he going to do?
All of a sudden he tries to get rid of my pants with his teeth?! What? I blush madly and hide my embarrassment. Oh gosh, this so so confusing and exciting?!
He's incredibly lustful right now. His eyes scream he wants me right now! I guess mine does too.
Suddenly he laughs. "It's time to see this little fella." He smirks.
Then he successfully gets rid of my pants and my briefs with his teeth. Then my dick springs to life utterly hard full of precum on it already leaking.
As if he wants to tease me even more. He grabs my very aroused dick and slaps it. I moan with pleasure and of course even more precum leaks out. Gosh, I'm such a mess.
He notices it and smirks. Oh, he loves it I can tell.
"Say my name." He says with his attractive voice. That's not what I want through.
"Oh, Nathan...just put it in already...ah!" I moan as he starts stroking my dick all kissing me at the same time.
He briefly stops. Why is he suddenly stopping?! I want more!
Hopefully, this doesn't last very long because he takes off my shirt, to suck my nipples as well as continuing to stroke my dick. I moan loudly even more but he reminds me we are still in school so I try to moan less loudly. Gosh, this feels so good!
After a few more waves of pleasure, I finally release his stomach.
"Aww, you already came for me? How sweet." He smirks.
I try to pretend I'm pissed off but I only feel so relieved. Then that's when I notice the look in his eyes and remember he didn't get his share of pleasure yet.
That's when he suddenly starts touching the most valuable thing, my ass I believe. He starts putting one finger in. Oh gosh, I can feel my ass tighten at his touch!
"Hey baby, if you want me in, stop clinching your beautiful ass." I shiver at that. Guess I have no choice if I want him to get it in. I listen to his command and lose up.
"Such a good boy."
How annoying.
I pout but suddenly I feel 2 other fingers of his hop into my ass all at the same time. He has three fingers in! I moan uncontrollably at the feeling of it.
"Nathan!" I moan as he continues to play with my ass with his fingers.
"Yes, beg for me but tone it down would ya?"
I give him a sign of yes. He gets rid of all his clothes and I notice his cock begging to be put in. Then he finally pushes into me and starts moving. I cry at how good it feels.
As much as this feels good I kinda wish he'd do more than just that.
The more I'm around him the more I wish we could do more than just plain sex. I actually dream nowadays about times when we could...hold hands, I don't know be more like intimate?
If I really wish to continue whatever we have, I have to make sure my feelings are considered and that we start having some romance. I can't say we don't have an attachment because we do. We do because we've known each other since we were 8.
I want to feel closer to him too, I want answers. I want a clarified relationship, a real us. I hope he wants that too because I'm tired of pretending, pretending I'm fine with this.
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