Jealousy
Ch.2.3
Nathan's pov
Our leisure time was cut short because we had class afterwards. I told him that I wanted to see him tonight again as it's Friday but he tried to convince me to hang out together instead. I don't know if I like this idea honestly.
I don't understand why he is suddenly proposing that. He seemed to be perfectly fine with us just having sex whenever I wanted to but suddenly he doesn't want just that?
I don't like where this is heading. I can already tell what he really meant by hanging out. He wants more. He wants to have a real conversation I can tell.
Honestly, I feel perfectly fine only exploring each other's bodies whenever we want to. I find it fun. I've grown to like this kind of relationship with Theo, it's like enemies with benefits.
I thought he would've cut this short a while ago but apparently, he hasn't. He loves it as much as I do.
It's crazy that all of our hatred has transformed into lust. Yes, lust. It's like you hate someone so much that you want them sexually. I never understood the concept but I just get along with it.
As annoying as it is lust and hatred aren't the only feeling I felt those past few days, no, it's jealousy. Yes, jealousy! I hate this feeling so much!
I hate it because it not only drives me mad but it's a feeling that proves that Theo means more to me than I'm ready to admit.
When you desire someone sexually you don't necessarily feel jealous. You only desire the person and that's it.
Through I knew that I already felt the feeling of jealousy in the sense I was jealous of Theo but this time around it isn't just that.
It's the feeling of jealousy, where I'm jealous of everyone that dares to talk to Theo. I hate this feeling! I don't understand why I have to feel this! I just want my share of sex and that's all, not this!
I have long denied everything but I know that deep down it's there and I have to accept it. I have to accept that Theo means a lot more to me than he should, he always did.
I've always felt jealous of course but right now I have this urge, this feeling of wanting to prevent anyone to touch what's mine...
Mine...Is he mine? He can't be mine. He only is in bed through.
So yeah, it was immature of me to do what I did earlier...I pushed him into doing it at school with me. The truth is that it's true that I really wanted to take him there but I was jealous. I got rid of all my nerves there.
Then I think about Theo, it's crazy how much he's changed lately. He isn't the usual goody two shoes...I'm making him do stuff that's so unlike him. He's perfection and his perfection is being ruined by me lately. I don't know how he's accepting doing all this...He was supposed to remain perfect but I'm a bad influence on him no?
Through, I know all this is not what he might want. I'm not that dumb. Like I already said, he wants to take this further, up a notch.
To be real, I did think about that too at some point. I know deep down that I might want more with Theo than f**king him till we can't do it, but it's not in me. I'm not the sentimental type.
The truth is that I don't think this is gonna work, I know I won't be able to f**k him for much longer. Even if I like to think I get to do whatever I want with him.
It's actually because it isn't a serious thing. It's already being broken by Theo's desire to go further, to make it a real thing.
This actually sounds like I'm scared of committing and I am alright? I've done it time and time again with girls and now Theo but rare are the times I made it serious.
To put it simply make it become a relationship. So yeah, I don't do relationships. I've given up a long time ago.
Regardless of what Theo thinks he wants or desires, he can't truly know what he wants. What he's feeling right now it's not love, it's just lust for me. He only wants me for my body.
I got him into a confusing spot I know but he can't possibly like me. It hurts not being able to claim him as mine but I just can't...He'll never understand.
Anyways, I don't think he understands how much popular he is. Girls are checking him out, even boys...that reminds me of his little friend Ben.
I noticed that he keeps strangely looking at him, I don't like it. I can't stand it, seeing Theo being happy with others while I'm watching him the other way in the school, without anyone.
It stings I know but it is what it is. I'm not saying I want his company all the time but I don't want him near that boy. That guy likes him, no, not in a friendship way, his supposed best friend is in love with him. He doesn't even realize it. Why is Theo so f**king oblivious? I mentally slap myself.
There's a small pathetic part of me that thinks that guy could treat Theo better than I can. At least Ben truly loves Theo, I can tell by the way he looks at him.
He seems to love taking care of Theo, while I can't...The only good thing I'm good at is to make him cum for me that's it. I can't even accept being venerable, that part must stay hidden.
Unfortunately, I can't bring myself to stop being jealous of him and the people staring at him. It's not my fault he's so goddamn perfect. I have to stop freaking out about this, he hasn't said a word yet nor did he try to do something.
All I know for now is that I can't give him a clear answer and I might never do...Even if he ends up with someone else, I'll have to eventually accept his decision but that won't stop me from being jealous of everyone who dares to look at him. Gosh, I hope class finishes soon...
—————-
School is finally over and I wait outside behind the school. That's when I asked Theo to meet me since we have to keep this a secret. As always I smoke and this time around it is kind of cold. Normal when it's still the middle of January.
He finally arrives.
"Hey" Sense I know how much he hates it when I smoke, I let my cigarette fall on the ground and scrap it with my boot.
"Hey," I say in return.
"I missed you."
Oh...I tense up immediately. That's awkward...I wasn't expecting that...Now I feel uncomfortable...
"Oh..."
"Why are you so tense?"
He touches my shoulders covered by my cheap coat to try to soothe me. It doesn't work through. This is exactly what I was afraid of. I have to change the subject.
"Let's just head to my car now." He looks disappointed at what I said and stares at me clearly pissed off.
"Fine" Luckily he accepts.
We walk towards my car and get inside of it. I start up my car and leave the school parking lot.
"What even are we Nathan seriously? We can't just continue dodging the issue." F**k...I knew this was coming...
"Not now Theo," I say coldly.
"Ugh, it's frustrating, why can't you just accept we are an us?'' I choose to remain silent and try to focus on the road instead.
"Nathan, can't you even do it at least for me?"
Ugh, why does he keep asking me questions like that? I'm trying to make him stop but here he is trying to push my boutons.
"Is it because you're not serious about this or is it because you don't even want this?"
Oh, he sure knows how to get me to speak up. I try to remain my eyes on the road to avoid looking at him. It'll be worse if I do.
"Ok look since you seem to be so b*tchy today how about I do you a blow job when we arrive at my house?" He blushes at that completely cut off guard of course.
I guess that should be enough to change his mind because sure as heck don't want to deal with his one thousand questions anymore.
"Fine..." He agreed reluctantly. How cute.
"Cute..." He blushes even more and then I notice briefly that he's actually getting a boner at the idea of me sucking him off. Making him shut up or change ideas really isn't difficult.
So I decide to tease him.
"Ok, then can you wait a few minutes through? I swear you are getting harder by the minute." I smirk brightly and he blushes madly embarrassed.
"Shut up." Cute,
To make him even more embarrassed and also to make him even more impatient for what's coming, I kiss him once we stop at a red light.
Indeed he is really impatient for more.
——————-
It's been one week and a few days since then, and honestly, I'm about to explode. He just won't stop with his one thousand questions, that I try my hardest to dodge or leave them all unanswered.
I just know that he is about to stop whatever is going on with us if I continue like that. I noticed that he keeps wanting to be intimate with me.
He tried hugging me and cuddling me too multiple times but I obviously denied it.
He tried kissing me on my cheek, to which I let him do it but he knows I'm completely bothered by it. He later confronted me about it too.
In short, he tried acting a tiny bit more like a couple. I don't know how to think about all of it. Not gonna lie, he made me have butterflies in my stomach and made me a tiny bit flustered. It kinda warms my heart and all but it always feels weird when he does that. It almost feels like it ain't...right?
I guess it must be because I know this won't last and that I can't give him what he wants.
The only thing I've been able to reassure him with is the fact that I am gay and no I'm not playing with him, it's the other way around. I'm scared he's playing with my feelings.
It's Saturday and he's currently in my house. He insists that we must talk for real, that he wants me to be honest. Yeah, so much for being honest.
I had to promise him that we won't have sex this time around like we always do when we see each other, even though I know that I probably won't hold that promise.
He's currently sitting on my bed waiting for me to sit down next to him.
"Nathan, please we have to talk for real. I really don't want you to avoid any of my questions, ok?" I sit next to him, awkwardly.
"Yes, I promise." Ugh, I already feel uneasy. I don't want to have this talk. It'll ruin everything and I know it.
"Ok, where should I start..."
"Why are you so uncomfortable whenever I try to be more intimate with you?'' See? I was right he definitely was doing that on purpose, anyways up to serious now.
"Um...I don't know honestly...Maybe it's because I'm not used to it..."
I look at him in his eyes, have I ever mentioned how pretty his brown eyes are? Too bad his eyes look desperate and serious about this. F**k, I guess I have to answer him seriously huh?
"Well...I'll make sure to make you used to it...but that's not all it is right?'' Oh no, no I can't tell him the truth he'll never understand.
"Uh...no that's all..." How awkward...
"Ok anyways since you seem so reluctant on answering my questions, let me ask another one."
I can tell he is mentally debating whether he should hold my hand or not. In the end, he does and I let him, to my own surprise.
"Nathan...what are we? Do you want to be an us? I guess I have to tell you that way cause you clearly don't like the question."
I look at our interlocked hands. It feels strange, to hold hands like that. I never thought I would ever have my hands interlocked with his. He looks at me with so much honesty and with a bit of anxiousness. He's anxiously waiting for my answer.
"Theo...I...I...I don't think we can be an us...I like you but you don't...I can't take this seriously if you can't."
Oh, sh*t! Why did I say that? I literally told him what I'm scared of! Now I'm panicking! Why did I have to tell him that...? Oh no...he looks like he's about to cry.
"Nathan...how could you say that!?" He lashes out.
He stops holding my hand and punches me on my shoulder repeatedly. I can't blame him for wanting to do that. Tears start rolling down his cheeks.
"I...I...Nathan, I am taking this seriously, you mean much more to me than you think." He says hurt.
That goes straight to my heart and I can tell it warms my heart.
Even if it is that...he seems to be deadpan serious. I thought he wasn't. No one cries when they're lying. I've got no idea why he is being hysterical right now but I guess it makes sense.
"Relax...I've got you." I help him calm him down before talking again.
"I'm sorry I made you feel like this but even if you somehow like me in some way, I still don't think we can be an us."
"What do you mean we can't be an us?! You like me, I like you! Isn't it enough for this to work?!" Oh gosh...He likes me...As much as this makes me happy, it doesn't matter now.
"Theo...it takes more than that to make it work...Does how we've been acting lately looks like a relationship should look like? Does it seem like that to you? Well, I surely don't think so."
"No, but we can start, starting today! We'll still have sex but we can act more like a couple should! Then we could become boyfriends!" He says desperate.
I hug him even though I don't particularly enjoy hugging him because I know he won't like what comes next. He's already so on edge too.
"Theo...oh Theo...I'm sorry but we can't... I can't bear the fact that we might end up hurting each other knowing we did so in the past. I hate saying this but we have to continue how we have been in the last two weeks."
At first, he seems mad, then sad, shocked, devastated at the news and then acceptance comes afterwards.
"Ok...fine...If you really think that's the best...But please let me do one thing." He says with so much sincerity and hurt. It almost makes me want to cry.
He then kisses me in such a loving way that I fell backwards onto the bed and he gets on top of me. I really wasn't expecting this. It feels nice? No, my decision is final, there will never be a serious relationship between us. We used to be enemies for 10 years for a reason, we don't get along and we can't stand each other.
"But Nathan why didn't you tell me about it before....? We could have gotten rid of this issue way earlier...
"I...Theo...look at me...It's not that I don't like you but you have to understand that we can't have a future together...not after what happened between us the last few years. Don't forget we used to hate each other guts.."
"I know...I know...but I don't know if I can keep doing this knowing there might never be a thing out of this..." Oh no, what is that supposed to mean?
"What do you mean...?" I say fearing the worse.
"You know what I mean, I dream of holding hands with you, I want to cuddle you, I want you to be mine, I want you to be my boyfriend..." He says sadly and bodily.
Boyfriend...Gosh, that feels weird. Hmm...Theo and I dating? I find it hard to imagine it. As I said, it won't work, I'm sure of that.
"Oh...Um, I get what you mean but Theo, as much as I understand what you want, I don't think I desire that...I don't want to be in a relationship." I say feeling uneasy.
"We don't have to be in a relationship if you don't want to!" He says desperately and I get even more uncomfortable.
"Yeah...no, I don't want to do more than just sex..." I say guilty and undoubtedly uneasy, while he tears up again.
Oh gosh...I think I've never done something this hard in my entire life.
"I think I want to take a little break from you, I need some time to clear my feelings..." I didn't expect that...
"Ok then..."
I don't know what is going on but his face in a matter of a few seconds suddenly turns white and he throws up on me.
"Omg, Theo are you alright!?"
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