Calling it quits
Ch.2.4
Theo's pov
What the hell just happened? I just...threw up...
"Are you okay?" Oh, I threw on him...
"Yeah sorry, I don't know what came over me..."
I don't know why but I suddenly feel the strong urge to cry. Yet again...I don't even have time to think that I end up crying for real.
"Hey stop crying...if it's about earlier then I'm sorry...We can try to act more like a couple..." He tries to comfort me but it fails to make me feel better.
Is he being serious? I wish he really wasn't lying right now but he's only doing that to make me feel better...
"No, no don't apologize...don't..." I hide my face from him for a second.
"No, we can't do that...you told me earlier that you don't want to do more than have sex. Don't say the opposite of what you want 'cause I'm crying..." I say melancholic.
He looks at me with pity and guilt in his eyes. I never thought in a million years that he would look at me like that someday. It feels strange...
"OK, if you say so but seriously are you okay? This is a serious matter. If I knew you felt ill, I wouldn't have told you all of this today." I stop tearing up.
"No, no you did good by finally being honest with me. It's just I don't know...I have felt weird ever since I woke up. I felt extremely nauseous this morning and threw up a few times..."
"Seriously? Ugh, now I feel bad for not noticing it earlier."
"Yeah, sorry if I didn't tell you. I thought it was none of your business 'cause you don't even care about us obviously." I can tell that it kind of pains him to see me like this.
Through, I need to get rid of my clothes filled with puke, I can't bear to smell that any longer and as tempting Nathan is despite the fact he has my barf all over him, I need a shower.
"Uh, um, can I take a shower?" I say awkwardly.
"Yeah, you can. Oh and before you think about it, I won't hop in with you even though I have all of your puke on me." He tries to smile but fails.
"I'm, ok."
Thank goodness he didn't ask me if he could join me. Well, it's not like he asks anyway, he just hops in whenever he wants to.
After hearing what he said, I truly need some space and time away from him. I genuinely need some time to think about what I want. Sure I hate that there is nothing more than sexual attraction between us but now I know why. Though, I must admit that I don't know if I'm ready to get into a relationship with him...
I can't really know. Maybe he is right when he says it takes a lot more than just liking each other for a relationship. Unlike me, he already was in a relationship in the past. So, I don't even know what to expect from a relationship even less from him.
Through. I can't even believe I did all of this with my enemy, Nathan Hames of all people?! I have no clue how we got to be so intimate...I badly need to think this through.
What kind of feelings do I have for him? Is it even what we call love? Do I even love him?
I thought this thing was only a fluke because he's so hot. Argh, just thinking about it makes my dick twitch.
Gosh...I can't believe I acted so unresponsively. It's not even like me. I just acted upon my feelings not even knowing what it was that I wanted. I became someone I wasn't, so maybe this is for the best.
Enough, I need to get in the shower. I can't look at him again.
"Uh, I'll get in now."
I walk towards his bathroom and undress myself then hop in the shower. It feels so good after all the things that have happened today.
I wonder what he is thinking about. Is he thinking about what he told me?
Enough of him! How can I take a break from him if I can't keep him out of my mind? Ugh, it's getting frustrating.
I wash myself with his soap and his shampoo. Argh, his shampoo. I like the smell of it...Wait argh...why am I so suddenly opposed to the smell? I usually love the smell of his lavender shampoo whenever I smell it when we have sex. Why do I suddenly feel nauseous just by smelling it? I don't understand.
Ever since I woke up this morning I've been feeling kinda strange. I was extremely nauseous, I feel slightly more tired than usual today even though it's Saturday.
It seems like I'm also opposed to my favourite smell and I feel so emotional, I keep crying. I'm not used to this. What is wrong with me?
Meh, it's probably nothing. I'm probably sick or something. Yeah, it's probably not what I think it is.
After 10 minutes, I get out of the shower and take a towel to put on my waist. I dry myself off. Then I noticed I didn't have any clothes to change on.
I shout for Nathan as I have no clue where he is in the house.
"Um, Nathan!?"
"Yeah?!" I hear him shout from his room. Oh, he's in his room.
"What is it?!
"Do you have any spare clothes? I don't want to wear my clothes!"
"Um yeah, wait a second!" He says awkwardly.
I hear footsteps and some shuffling around. Then he comes in front of the door.
"Um here, I don't know if I can open the door..."
"It's fine, open the door and give me the clothes. It's not like you never saw me naked before."
"Yeah, you're right."
He opens the door and gives me some spare clothes. I can tell he is trying really hard to not look down there. Oh too bad he already failed.
"Um, you can leave now..." Awkward...
"Yeah.."
He gets out and closes the door.
Gosh...his clothes...Should I even be allowed to wear this? It feels so weird putting his clothes on, his smell too...
I put his clothes on and indeed it's too big for me but it's just enough so it doesn't fall. His smell...Argh, why is it making me so nauseous?
I need to stop thinking about this, I need to come back to my senses.
I get out of Nathan's bathroom and sit on his desk chair. It's awkward but I need to try to bring up what happened earlier.
"About all of this..." He seems to be feeling extremely guilty and awkward about all this.
"Um no, it's fine, leave, take all the time you want away from me to figure out what you want. The only thing I ask for you is to continue the tutoring sessions...if it's not too much to ask..." He says anxiously while he styles his hair with his hands.
Normally I would think he looked hot like that but right now, I'm not in the mood. Wow, he truly is being gentle with me. That's...rare coming from him. It makes me almost change my mind, gosh, I wish he was like that more often.
"Um ok, I'll continue the tutoring sessions."
"Well...take care then..."
"Thanks..." I offer him a small smile.
This feels so awkward. I think I definitely prefer it when the air feels lustful or even filled with hatred but definitely not awkward. It just doesn't feel right to have this with Nathan.
I look at him one last time and then head toward the door to leave.
"I mean it when I say to take care."
"OK, thanks. I think it's nothing too serious through." I attempt to laugh but it backfires.
I open the door and straight up leave his house.
Goodness, it feels like a big thing got off my chest but at the same time, it doesn't because now I have plenty of new questions swirling around my mind that are tough to solve.
What will I do now that I don't have this thing going on with Nathan? I really don't know what to do now. I got so used to this, it's crazy.
If only I didn't dare to go see him at his house almost three weeks ago, I wouldn't be stuck in this mess. I really messed up. Now I'm in this weird mess where Nathan doesn't want me anything more than just my body. I never thought we would end up in this dumpster.
If I knew this would have happened then I would've controlled my feelings towards him. Wait is it more? What kind of attraction do I have for him? Ugh, this is gonna kill me. I can already feel a headache coming and I'm not even done walking towards my house.
Yeah, my house is only 5 minutes away from his house but I didn't want him to drive me home not after everything. Should I tell someone? No, no, NO! Nobody would understand...Oh well, I hope I'll figure this out quickly.
—————
It's been a few days since then and my symptoms have only gotten worse. I'm starting to get worried and concerned. What if I'm severely sick but I don't know?
Still, there is a part of me that tells me that's not it. I have an idea of what it could be but...it couldn't be possible...I'm sure it's something else, then what could it be?
It's Wednesday and I've been like this ever since I woke up on Saturday morning. Sometimes I feel like I want to cry or I just feel randomly mad.
Another thing that doesn't help is that I'm completely confused when it comes to my feelings toward Nathan. I don't know if I want him or not but...Ugh, it's messing with my head. Nathan what have you done to me!?!?
So far Nathan has actually respected what I asked for. If I'm correct I haven't even seen him since apart from the tutoring sessions yesterday. Don't tell me he's starting to skip class again?! Nah, he has been at school every day, I'm sure. I haven't seen him 'cause he's just avoiding me to respect my wish but it feels like it's making it worse.
I still haven't told anyone about him or my weird symptoms. Obviously, my mom noticed that I was sick but I managed to stop her from getting me checked up. I don't want to be checked up. It hurts, it hurts and really does hurt, that is something I know.
I hate the silence between me and him. I wish I could run up to his arms and kiss him all over again. Weirdly, I want to do that with my long-time enemy but are we still enemies?
Regardless, like one second I want to be next to him then I don't even want to anymore. I don't get it, what is wrong with me? I'm so exhausted.
I haven't stayed at home even though I'm sick because I only feel worse during the mornings. I can't miss school. Not because I don't feel good, it's my senior year!
Anyways, I can't even sleep properly either. Nathan is always on my mind 24&7. Sometimes, I start to regret my decision but then I remember that nothing would have changed so...
Even if it's that, I'm currently lying on my bed in my bedroom. School is already over for the day and I don't genuinely feel like doing my homework. That's so strange. It's so unlike me. I think Nathan's influence on me is making me more badass.
Oh man, while he tries to focus more on his studies even though I know that he doesn't like it, I start to want to do bad stuff. I don't get myself anymore. I think I quit trying to act like myself since Saturday night.
Ben asked me to hang out at his house but honestly, I don't know if I'm feeling it. I know I will go because as Nathan always used to say, I'm a goody two shoes.
Ugh, why is everything related to him? I swear he's everywhere on my mind. Ugh, screw it I'm putting my winter clothes on and I'll head out outside. I need something to occupy my mind for a while and seeing Ben will be just that.
—————-
"Hey"
"Hey, are you alright? I heard you threw up again this morning?"
"Yeah, don't worry about that trough, I'm fine." I smile faintly.
"If you say so."
I can tell that he doesn't buy my lie but I'm glad that he chose to change the subject regardless.
"Um, what do you want to talk about?"
"Eh, I don't know. All I know is that I don't feel like doing my homework."
"The Theo I know will never skip a homework, are you sure you're alright?" Ugh, I thought he would leave that out.
"No, no I'm fine really, Ben."
"Ok, then if you say so. Let's go play on my PS5 together."
"Ok"
In the end, we ended up talking and playing video games for an entire hour, which was nice. Though, I don't know what happened but our conversation suddenly turned into the topic of our sexual orientations.
I just realized that I never told him that I'm gay, I mean not even Brooke so...
"Uh yeah, this is awkward but I'm bisexual..."
"Wait really?" I hold his hands and visibly he seems uncomfortable at first at my sudden gesture.
"Uh yeah..." I notice that he blushes embarrassed.
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"I guess I was too scared to tell you..." I can tell that he's hesitating whether he should say what's on his mind or not. In the end, he does.
"Um...you're not forced to answer but what about you? Are...you a part...of the LGBTQ+ community...?" I freeze.
Crap, what should I tell him? Should I tell him even though he might hate me for it or should I try to dodge the question?
I hesitated a little more and then chose the latter.
It's not like he's a stranger. I trust him, he just told me that he's bisexual. He shouldn't have a problem with me being gay right? I let go of his hands and stare at my own hands.
"Um...actually, I'm gay..." His eyes light up and then he slightly composes himself.
"Wait really?"
"Yeah..." I flash him a small smile. He blushes slightly.
"Wow, I never thought...wait no never mind it totally makes sense."
"Why would it make sense?"
"You always turn down all the girls and I never saw you flirting with one. Even worse, you've never talked to us about a girl. Does Brooke and Pamela know?"
"Um no, you're the first one I've told this to."
"Wow, this is huge...I never thought I would come out so soon..." He says still in disbelief.
"I thought I would've never told you."
"Wait really? Why?" He asks confused.
"I don't know I was scared you were gonna hate me..."
"No, why would I? I'm your best friend right?" He smiles worriedly.
"Yes"
"It's my duty to listen to you, respect you and not judge you. As friends, we're supposed to tell each other everything." I slightly chuckle nervously and he smiles fondly.
"Promise me you'll tell me if something is bothering you okay?"
Oh no, I can't promise him that. I can't tell him about Nathan. He'll be mad. He might've been my friend for only almost two months now but he knows who Nathan is.
Something tells me that he doesn't like him all that much so I really shouldn't tell him that. I yet again chuckle nervously.
"Yeah..."
We ended up talking some more. I ended up eating dinner at his house with his family. His family is so nice.
Even if his family is so nice I can't help but think about Nathan again. Oh, I so desperately wish I could be in his arms right now.
—————
I think I made a huge mistake...It's already the beginning of February now and I still feel the same. It's currently a Saturday afternoon too.
There is this nagging feeling that's been bugging me ever since then. What if I'm pregnant? It could be possible. We didn't use protection most of the time because we were basically animals when we did the deed.
I'm scared what if it really is that I'm pregnant? I have all the symptoms of pregnancy and I know my condition supports this. Omg, what have I done!?!?
How come I never thought about this before? I'm so careless. How could've been that careless?!
I said I would never do it especially not with Nathan knowing this could happen!! Why was I so dumb? Why were we so dumb? I promised myself I would be careful! Instead, the first chance that I got, I had sex with a guy and forgot all about my condition.
Oh please be negative...Please let it be negative.
I bought a pregnancy test in secret and I'm currently waiting for my results. I'm really scared. What do I do if I'm pregnant for real?! I'll have to tell my friends, my mom and oh god Nathan too...I'm too young for this. What have I done!!??
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