Ch.2.5
Theo's pov
No..no..no this is not real, it can't be.
On the bathroom counter, a pregnancy test with two lines is sitting right in front of my eyes. My first instinct is to cry, cry and cry. I can't believe it...what have I done...? I cry and cry yet again, refusing to see the two lines again.
No, I can't believe it. I...I'm...pregnant...Just thinking about it makes me shed even more tears. Ugh, now I'm frustrated. How could've I let this ugly thing happen to me?
Just one month ago I was really cautious about hooking up but here I am pregnant not even one month later.
Thank god my mom is at work and my sister is at her friend's house because I wouldn't have tolerated them here seeing me in this state. What will I do? What should I do? It's not like I can ignore the eventful truth.
Argh my life is ruined, ruined!!! I smash the counter out of pure frustration. Geez, that hurts!
Ugh, why did I do that? Injuring my hand certainly won't help me right now. I don't even want to begin to imagine it...having to tell Nathan the ugly truth...He doesn't even know I have this disgusting condition that can enable me to be pregnant.
Ugh, I messed up big, big, big time! Now I have to tell everyone what I did the last few weeks, including my friends.
Ugh, no one except Ben and Nathan knows I'm gay in the first place. How will I tell them about all of that? I can't go up to them and tell them, "Hey I'm gay and yeah I'm pregnant now 'cause I have a f**ked up condition that makes me enable too."
No, this will be terribly wrong if I say it like that. Ugh, I already have a headache just thinking about all of this.
"Hey, why did you have to happen huh?"
I talk to myself but mostly for the unborn baby in my belly. I know it can't hear me but still, I can't help it. I touch my belly and linger my fingers there.
"You really want to ruin my life do you?"
At this point, I'm completely weak and exhausted. This is too much for me. I can't take all of this stress. I'm only 17, well almost 18. I'm too young for this...
Ugh, I get up from the bathroom floor and go lay down on my bed. I really want to sleep now and pretend this was only a really bad dream. I badly hope it is but deep down I know it isn't.
After thinking too much again, I finally fall asleep on my bed without any blankets on me. This way I don't have to think about anything.
——————-
Unfortunately, it really wasn't a dream. I really am...yeah...that...It's the next day already and I truly don't know what to do.
I'm hesitating on telling Nathan now or just never, about me being pregnant with his child.
Unfortunately, it's not like I can hide it from him for a long time because eventually my bump is gonna start to be visible and will only get so much bigger. It'll be impossible to hide it from him until we graduate.
By then if I counted well I'll be close to 26 weeks pregnant. Hmm, maybe I could hide it from him? Nah, it'll be too hot to wear baggy clothes. I can't afford that.
Yeah, I thought about it overnight and realized that I can't abort this baby. Come on I can't kill such a thing, it wasn't its fault if I'm in this situation. It doesn't deserve to be killed because I messed up badly.
I know that by making this choice I'm taking a huge responsibility but I think I'll be able to support it. Sure I'm too young for this but I think I'll manage.
It happened for a reason and I'm ready to take responsibility for the consequences. I'm not like other people that don't assume their consequences.
Wow, you probably wouldn't expect this from an almost 18 years old right? I might be dumb and did such a big mistake but it doesn't mean I'll run away from my problems. I'm partly at fault here for this. I have to assume I did wrong.
I'm currently relaxing in my bed. For once my symptoms weren't as bad as this morning. Hmm, maybe a 4-week old fetus can hear after all. The universe really did hear my begging for forgiveness.
Even though I'm trying to relax, I'm scared, terrified even. What will happen if I tell him? Knowing what he did to Brooke, I'm scared for my safety. I know he won't be as bad with me because he has a soft spot for me but still, I kinda betrayed him by not telling him about my condition.
I can't really blame him at this point. He thought that no protection was needed because we were both guys after all but no, turns out I can be pregnant like a girl. Through, I feel guilty for not even thinking about protection...
Regardless, I remember clearly when I first learned about my condition that my mom was concerned such a thing would happen.
Sometimes I wonder if she knew I was gay. She normally wouldn't be as worried for me if she thought I wasn't gay because as far as I'm concerned girls can't get other people pregnant.
My mom decided to keep this under wraps fearing I would get bullied for it.
If only she knew that I was already bullied back then...by the infamous Nathan.
We haven't talked besides at the tutoring sessions since he told me we couldn't work together. We don't even talk at all during the tutoring sessions.
He just remains silent. I can tell how awkward it is between us but it's not like I can change anything. I was the one that asked for some space from him.
With everything going on, I didn't really have time to think about it through. How could he know it wouldn't work out if we don't try it?
Through now I know it just won't happen. It hurts knowing that I'm about to break Nathan's heart.
Yeah, most people would say that he needs the taste of his own medicine but no I can't think that way, not anymore...
I don't know if I just desire him or if it runs deeper, like liking him but I know for sure that he means a lot more to me than I think so.
We've known each other for so long that I can't imagine a life without him in it.
Ugh, I wanna cry again. Why am I so emotional? Just why?
I really do hope he won't take the news too badly but just hoping for that is unrealistic. He will be mad, hurt even.
I don't how much I mean to him. I know that he likes me as he told me but it seems there's more to that. He surely doesn't only want to have it with me all the time.
At first, I thought he wasn't gay but the rare times where he wasn't a jerk or an asshole, he seemed to genuinely like me.
He has the hots for me sure but I don't know, does he have a problem with the idea of maintaining a relationship? I've never thought about that before...
I'm just really glad that he has been respecting the space I want from him but at the same time, I can't help but want him close to me, holding me in his bulky arms.
Yeah, that's it! I want to be with him! No, snap out of it. You can't run back to him, we'll only end up having sex on and on without talking to each other. I hate that. Sex with him is great but I wish it would've been more.
Unfortunately, he made it clear it won't happen. He really isn't good at communicating and being honest that I've noticed.
That's why I'm terrified of his answer to the shocking news. What will he do, what will
he say? It's not like he'll accept the news with welcoming arms.
I don't know what I expect from him. I know he rarely takes everything seriously and I know he doesn't want a relationship out of this. It's not like he'll want to stick around after knowing the news.
It's his right to stay away but at the same time, I wish he would be appreciative of the situation and not ignore it entirely, just to pretend it never happened in the first place.
It hurts thinking about it. My baby might grow up without its father. Wow, it kinda sucks knowing that. It's not the ideal life you'd want your child to grow up in.
If that is what's going to happen then it is what it is. I can't prevent this from happening. I basically signed up for this the moment I decided to be careless and have my first time with Nathan without any kind of protection.
Ugh, you know what? I really have to tell him the sooner I can. I know this will be tough but he has to know. I have to get this off my chest first then all the rest will come after.
The father always has to know first. He's the one that knocked me up and he has to also take responsibility as the father.
Oh, screw it. I know I might regret telling him now but the sooner the better. I badly pray his reaction won't be that bad and that he won't hit me or anything.
Breathe in, breathe out. Ok, I'm ready.
I walk out of my room and put on my winter coat as well as my other gear.
"Where are you going like that with such a freezing temperature?" I flinch. Oh crap, it's my mom. I instantly freeze.
"Uh, I have to go see a friend, yeah, a friend."
Great I've made a fool of myself.
"Are you sure you don't want me to give you a lift to your friend's house?"
"Yeah, I'll be fine."
"Ok then be careful." That was a close call.
I open the door and stand on my house's front porch. Brrr, it really is cold. Probably -10 ish degrees. Meh, it's not like I can go back outside. I really have to go announce the nerve-wracking news.
After walking for a bit, I realize I forgot to text him to ask him if it was okay if I came. He probably would have ignored my text since we are on a weird break. Even if it's that, I can't back up now.
I walk some more till I reach his house. Ah, his house. I really hope he's in there.
I just hope he doesn't think this is me saying I'm ready to go back to before. I walk up to his poach and I ring his doorbell.
Nathan's pov
I hear the doorbell ringing. Confused about who it might be, I open the door.
To my surprise, I'm met with Theo in front of me. Huh? Am I dreaming? Why is he here? I thought things were over between us. Wait did he reconsider it and now he's ready to have sex with me again?
"Um we need to talk can I come in?" F**k...The, "we need to talk" isn't a good sign. Oh well, I can't help but let him in.
"Yeah of course. Just wait here in the living room, I have to go check something in my bedroom."
"Um, ok."
He enters the house and closes the door behind him. He then gets rid of his coat. Then I go to my room and prepare my bed for what I think will happen.
I then join him back in the living room.
"Ok, we can go to my room. Luckily for us, you caught me at the right time. My parents aren't here."
"Um..."
"What is it?" He remains silent.
We then move and head to my room. We both sit on my bed and I took it as an opportunity to finally kiss him after all this time. Suddenly he pushes me away. I thought he wanted this.
"Hey, why'd you push away the kiss? Don't you want this?" Suddenly, he starts looking at me seriously.
"No, Nathan I have something to tell you..." He really is starting to make me nervous and worried.
"Um okay make it quick then I don't have all day you know?"
I try to sound pissed off even if I'm more worried than anything. I mean I wanted things to go elsewhere...
"Um, okay." He stares to fidget. He really is starting to worry me for real.
"Hey, is everything alright? You don't have to tell me whatever it is alright?" I try to reassure him. What could make him so on edge like that?
"Um, no it's fine, I have to tell you anyways." Tell me what?
"Ok, then what is it?" Now I'm scared...What is he gonna say?
"You know that we did it multiple times, right?" What does he mean by that?
"Yeah and?"
"Well...I'm sorry I never told you but...I learned that I have a condition that enables me to become pregnant even though I'm a guy..."
"And well I found that I...I'm pregnant!!" What? Pregnant? Am I hearing this right? I try to see if he is serious but he is only looking away.
"Are..are you serious..?" He finally looks at me.
But seriously what? Is this a joke? What is going on? What is all of this?!
"Yeah.."
What?! I freak out so much that I forget to breathe for an instant but I manage to control my spiraling feelings.
"I...don't know what to say..."
"I...thought you should know cause well...you are the father of this child."
What? He's still keeping on with that joke?! Does he enjoy making me freak out like that?!
"Theo, seriously please tell me this is a joke..."
"I'm sorry to say that but I'm serious." What? Am I dreaming?
Suddenly he shows me a photo of a real pregnancy test that is positive on his phone. That's when I realize this can't be a joke even if it makes no sense.
I guess I'll pretend this is real.
"Uh...I don't know what to tell you honestly...are you gonna keep the baby...?"
"Yeah, I am..." F**k...He's really serious about it...Gosh, it really can't be happening under our circumstances.
"What are we gonna do? We're only 17, we are in High school, not even in a steady relationship and definitely not ready for this?"
"Honestly, I really don't know Nathan. The only thing I know is that we have to assume our consequences.."
"Consequences?! What consequences?! The only consequence I see is keeping this baby or whatever!" His eyes go wide and he starts to tear up, well f**k.
"I'm serious Nathan, I really am pregnant and you are the father. I would never lie about such a thing."
"It just doesn't make sense..."
"I know it doesn't but all I ask for is to assume our consequences. That you'll do something at the very least..."
"No, I won't...Theo you can't expect me to help you through this when I'm not ready to make this work..."
"Wait now you think it could work?"
"Don't get your hopes up. I won't be in a relationship with you just because you're pregnant with my child while you don't remotely like me romantically."
"Oh..."
"But..."
"No buts. I'm sorry but I think it's better if we don't talk to each other anymore. I'm calling off the tutoring sessions too. The teachers can go f**k themselves.
I know this might hurt but I can't bare being with you knowing the circumstances..." He starts crying again. I decide to hug him tightly.
"I don't know what will happen eventually but just know you still have my phone number in case of an emergency. I won't block you. Just know that this hurts me too, not only you but...ugh, I'm sorry but I really can't take this responsibility.
Just know it's not because I don't love you. I really do but sometimes not everything works out. Yeah, I'll admit I wasn't ready to make this work nor am I ready to make this work.
Regardless of what is going on. I don't know if that'll ever change. You and I, it's just too complicated. I don't want to be in a complicated love story.
Yes, we will always have something tying us together but that won't stop me from backing up from this."
"If I knew it would hurt this much losing you then I would've never let my feelings talk." He still cries.
"I know...It hurts losing you too when you've been in my life for so long." I decide to kiss him one last time. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to again.
"It's fine I get it...I don't blame you but before I go can you please give me a lift to my house for one last time?"
Before I realize it, I have tears going done my cheeks and I dry them up in shame. So does he.
And just like that almost 10 years worth of hatred of Theo disappear in an instant as I see his face one last time before leaving again.
It's then I realize that just like that Theo was officially out of my life.
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