The heart wants what it wants
Ch.3.1
Theo's pov
The last few weeks have been the worst. If I wasn't pregnant I would've probably never eaten. I feel like my life is slowly falling apart and I haven't told anybody except Nathan that I'm pregnant.
I really don't how I've kept smiling while at school, I truly don't know. I can tell that Brooke and Ben are worried about me even though I keep telling them nothing is wrong, they just know something is wrong with me.
I'm really scared about the next few weeks, what will I do...? I really don't want to tell anyone they'll hate me for sure.
Now I'm scared that if I tell them, they won't support me, hell I think my friends will stop talking to me. It's not because they are cold-hearted but because I am lying to them. I've been keeping this secret for so long that it's gonna hurt more when they find out and they don't deserve that.
At least Ben knows I'm gay. Brooke on the other end...I did exactly what I told her I wouldn't do...
Brooke is my best friend and even if I don't tell her everything, the secrets I'm hiding from her are huge and it's a huge part of my life.
She doesn't know a single thing, my condition, that I like guys, Nathan and I's situation and most important of them all that I'm pregnant. She's going to feel so hurt that she hasn't been a part of that because I hid those secrets. Argh...It's starting to give me a headache.
Worst of them all, I'm still nauseous almost every single day! I'm sick of it! Ugh, I'm crying again. Thank goodness I'm not at school right now.
I really don't know what to do.
Right now I'm just grateful that Nathan didn't take it nearly as bad as he did when Brooke got pregnant from him. He took it better than I thought he would.
Ugh...Brooke, what will I do about her? I'm scared, no, terrified. I badly wish this was a nightmare but no this is reality...
I genuinely wish that I would have it in me to tell my mom or even my friends...I know I'll have to eventually because my bump will soon be visible and I can't run away from my problems forever.
Regardless, bump-wise, so far there isn't anything.
The problem is that I really need to go see the doctor for a checkup but I don't know how to hide it from my mom. I don't have a car, unlike Nathan...Nathan...
I cry again just at the thought of him. If only he were more supportive...One thousand questions swirl in my head.
Ugh, who am I kidding? It's Nathan Hames, he's never been nice to be, of course, he wouldn't accept that.
But ugh, why just why must I have to go through this pain? I hate saying this but I think I miss him. I feel this strong urge to be at his house and kiss him all over again.
Nathan, Nathan. I haven't seen him all that much. I'm glad to know that he still goes to school which is a relief but he really does ignore me.
I hope he's doing fine without the tutoring sessions, at least fine enough to graduate. Yes, I still wish him that.
Despite it all, I can't ignore the fact he bluntly ignores me. No attempt to talk to me, no faces of pity, no resentment. He just straight up decided to ignore me like he did a few weeks ago only for this time to hurt more.
He's there but he's not at the same time. It hurts to know I'm the cause of that.
But seriously what was I expecting from hooking up with Nathan? Why did I create myself false hopes that he would be nicer, better when it had never been the case ever since I left him 10 years ago?
Nathan Hames will never change...Ugh! But I wish he did!
Now, he got me in a mess and made me fall for him...
Yeah, I still resent him for what he did and I still hate him but my heart is stronger than my rationality.
As much as I know it's wrong that I could possibly like him, I know I can't help it, this is what I feel. Hooking up with him changed everything. It'll be impossible to go back to before as I'll always remember our intimate time together.
So yeah, despite our history together, I can't help but want to kiss him.
There'll always be reasons why I hate him and right now it's one of them.
Oh why, did it have to be Nathan Hames?
Ugh, I can't continue crying in my bedroom. I have to do something whether I want to or not.
Then suddenly I heard the doorbell ring. Oh? Who's at the door? Normally people text me in advance to let me know that they're coming. Was I too preoccupied with crying to miss it?
Oh too bad I have to go look who's at the front door. Maybe this will keep my mind occupied for now.
I get up and head to the living room. I open the door and come face to face with Ben.
"What are you doing here?" I ask confused.
"Wait have you been crying?" He says concerned.
"Um no?" I'm on such a bad list.
"Cut the crap, can I get in?" He says harshly.
Wow, this is the first time I've heard him speak like that. He's always so sweet and kind but I've never seen this side of him.
Wait...don't tell me he found out?!
"Sure.." He comes inside and I close the door behind him slightly anxious.
I hope he doesn't notice it...
"Um, why didn't you tell me you were coming?" I try to say as casually as possible.
"I did? Didn't you see my text from 10 minutes ago?" He says confused and visibly unhappy to hear that."
"Oh...I must have missed it then, sorry." I scratch my neck out of nervousness.
"Oh ok then, next time make sure you read it.."
He scolds me slightly coldly.
"Yeah, I'll make sure I do." I laugh nervously.
"We're going in your room?"
"Yeah"
Oh gosh, I'm scared...What does he want?
We walk to my room after he gets rid of his coat. I sit on my bed and he does too.
"You still haven't answered my question why are you here?" I say a bit too harshly.
"You don't have to be rude, you know? I wanted to tell you something and also because I'm worried about you, Theo." He says hurt and then he looks at me with his worried look.
Oh no, I hope he doesn't ask me what's wrong.
"Um ok, then what is it?" I started getting more anxious again.
"Um, I originally wanted to meet up in the park but it's too cold so I think it's better here Besides you're...you're not doing alright as it seems." He says nervously and awkwardly.
"I'm fine you know?"
"Yeah, I get it." He smiles anxiously.
Why is looking at me like that? I really hope he didn't find out my secrets.
"I have something to tell you..." He says anxiously and I notice that he's blushing.
Gosh...he's making me so anxious!
"Um yeah?" I say anxiously.
"Ah well..."
He blushes. Why is he blushing? Is he that shy and nervous? He looks at me and notices that I'm probably worried about what he's about to tell me.
"Forget what I said it's not that important..." Huh? Did he change his mind?
"What? If you came all the way here to tell me, it must be important, right? Don't say it's not important."
I just badly want to know if it's because he found out about my secrets or if it's bad.
"Not as much as how you're feeling right now." I scowl at that. Is he still on my case?
"Seriously, I'm fine. You know I get emotional sometimes." I try to change the topic.
He can't know...
"I know it's just that...I know something is wrong and you won't tell me...I'm your best friend, right? You can tell me everything." Now that breaks my heart that he thinks like that.
"I know that. You are my best friend Ben." I admit softly even if I feel deeply guilty for all the secrets I'm hiding from him.
"Best friends tell each other right?"
"I know it's just..."
"You're not ready to tell me?" He says sadly. Oh, that look...Look of pity...Ugh, I can't help but feel guilty that I can't dare to tell him.
"I'm sorry..."
"It's fine...I understand..." He says sadly again...
Ugh, why does he have to give me that look? I feel like I'm betraying him but I don't want to hurt him...more than I already do.
He's only my best friend I met on the bus the other day not that you know? No...I have to tell him...He has to know...It'll be worse if I don't tell him now...
He doesn't know everything about Nathan and I's history together before we started hooking up
up. That might work to my advantage. I know he won't understand...
Anyways, yeah he knows a bit about Nathan's and I's history together.
I couldn't help but tell him and his friend Kean about it as it was inevitable for them to not notice even Pamela noticed immediately.
Nathan and I's hatred was that strong, the entire school knew too basically. Wait, I hope this doesn't mean they all noticed that things are different between Nathan and me.
Regardless, all he knows is that Nathan and I have been enemies since children not all the details through. He also heard about Brooke's share of the story with him.
I just really want someone to support me right now despite the risk he might never see me the same way.
I just don't know where to begin...What do I tell him? Do I just tell him what I've done with Nathan? Do I tell him about the problems I had with him? Do I tell him about my condition...Do I tell him that...I'm pregnant?
I tremble out of fear and he notices it.
"You don't have to tell me what's on your mind. I understand if you're not ready to tell me." He says worried and hesitant.
Oh no...Ugh, why did I remain silent like that? Now he's scared of my supposed silence. I really have to tell him...I trust him. He'll understand, right?
"No, no it's fine I'll tell you now..."
"Why are you shaking...?" He says worried.
Am I trembling out of fear that bad? Oh, dear...At least I know he cares about me a lot. Will he still care about me after I tell him?
"It's just that...what I have on my mind is serious Ben...Will you be able to listen and understand?" He looks up at me alarmed about my recent comment.
"Go on..." He says uneasy.
I look up right at him one last time before choosing to tell him the whole truth.
——————
I told him everything. It feels like a whole weight has been gotten off of my chest. At first, Ben felt hurt about my confession but he eventually came around. He didn't know what to feel.
Even if he is confused about everything he chose to support me as friendship comes first to him. I basically cried at that and he hugged me too in an attempt to comfort me.
We hugged and hugged. He kept reassuring me everything would be alright. Why is he such a good friend after everything? I don't deserve him.
He found it odd at first that I could be pregnant even though I'm a boy but he eventually believed me. I still had that pregnancy test so he couldn't help but believe me.
He admitted that he wanted to be there for me and that he wanted to go through this together.
I like that Ben is honest, unlike Nathan.
Although we shed tears together, we somehow got back on the topic of Nathan again.
As much as I hated talking about my feelings and being honest about them, I still talked about it with Ben.
Talking about it with Ben made me realize so many things I hadn't realized before and made me so relieved.
Anyway, as Ben chose to support me all the way, he decided to go to my first appointment with me.
I feel so bad and guilty that I'm getting him involved in my mess but in the end, he could've done like Nathan and walked away. He didn't and chose to stick with me. He truly is a good friend.
Regardless, we are about to head to my appointment as I managed to book one for today. Before we go I tell my mom we're going to his house.
I really do hate that I have to lie to her but I have to, now's not the right moment to tell her. She'll never know that we are in reality taking the bus to go to a pregnancy check-up. Thank goodness I'm allowed to see my doctor on my own.
"Bye Mom"
"Bye, be nice!
"Yeah, yeah"
We both smile at her and finally head out in our coats. It's cold but not as much as two weeks ago when I had to see Nathan one last time.
———————
It's been a week since then and I feel so much closer to Ben. The others have noticed but they haven't questioned it. It feels so liberating to have someone to talk to.
Today it's Friday and I decided to hang out at Ben's as I've been doing so the past week. In a way, he is my distraction as mean as it is. He is my replacement...for Nathan...Ugh, that's so mean. I don't feel that way concerning Ben. Ben is my best friend and almost like a brother.
To prove my other friends still exist, Pamela invited me to a party tonight but I declined. It's funny that she does because I was starting to think she forgot she used to do parties but I learned she still does but she never invites us, I guess...
Kean found out the other day she throws parties without us because he got invited by his cousin. Honestly, I couldn't care less if she does it. I'm not that close to her anyway.
So anyhow, even if I'm starting to feel better I don't feel like it. It is risky knowing I'm pregnant...Ugh, I'll never get used to that.
I learned last week I'm actually 6 weeks along probably 7 weeks now. It basically confirms that I conceived when I did it for the first time with Nathan...Oh, Nathan...
Ben and I take the bus together and head to his house. As soon as we get in and get rid of our coats, I can tell he has something to tell me.
"Theo...I want to tell you something before we move on." He says nervously.
"Ok? Go on." He interlocks his hands together and blushes nervously suddenly. I don't understand.
"Um...I know that you like Nathan...but I still wanted to get it off my chest."
"Huh? What about Nathan?"
"I...I like you, Theo. Not in a friend way." He looks away embarrassed.
Oh...I didn't expect that but I didn't actually hear that, did I? Now I feel so bad...All this time he liked me and...I kept talking about Nathan on and on without a care in the world. Ugh, I feel so bad...I'm such a bad friend.
"Oh, Ben...Why didn't you tell me before? If I knew you like me...I wouldn't have told you about Nathan."
"No...it's fine...Your happiness comes first Theo and I already know I'm not the one that you want." This is so heartbreaking...I can't believe it...
I decide to hug him.
"I'm so sorry Ben. I wish I had a place in my heart for you but you're right you're not who my heart wants..." He hugs me back.
"I just wanted to get it off my chest. I knew I had to tell you or else I wouldn't be able to move on." I look at him pity in my eyes. I then decide to kiss his forehead and he blushes.
"Theo...Don't give me hope." He says in warning.
"I know I'm not. I love you, Ben. You're my best friend and I'm glad I have you in my life." It hurts saying it like that but I have to be honest.
"Me too"
Then we end up playing video games like good old friends that support each other, as if all of earlier didn't happen.
Gosh, Ben's confession couldn't have come in a worse time. Even if I am caught up in my dilemma, I feel pity for Ben. He likes me which is surprising but as much as I would like to love him, there's only one guy in my heart and it's not him unfortunately.
That heart wants what it wants. Though, I can't blame him for having a crush on me but even if it's that, I still wanted to hear those words from someone else and not him.
Speaking of him... sometimes I can't help but wish he were still here with me. That way I could finally tell him how much I love him. Yeah, I love Nathan...
If only things wouldn't have ended up this way...Nathan Hames.
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