Rin didn’t manage to take a nap in his remaining time on leave. He also couldn’t find words to put into a letter to Maggie. How would he even start explaining this situation? Sorry, I was hiding this from you for a whole year? That other guy I kept mentioning in my letters? The one I didn’t complain about? Yep, that’s him, my heartthrob. He cringed at the thought and rolled to bury his face in the pillow.  

Now, hours removed from the event, he struggled to believe he actually told a whole crowd of people that he had feelings for a man. It felt so right at that moment, his inner fury and upset channelled into this confession. And even then, he couldn’t say the L-word. ‘Feelings’. Ugh. It shouldn’t even matter; those were the people he wouldn’t need to ever deal with. Delsato, and Renault, and Jones/Johnson, and Mbowe… Mbowe didn’t seem to react like the others. He clearly had some thoughts he couldn’t share in that company. Rin wondered if it was something more than giving him a benefit of a doubt for the old times sake. He would never know now.

‘Unless you send him a letter and ask,’ his inner voice said. His inner voice was silly like that at times.

Mikey stepped out of the shower and fell into his bunk with a huff. “Starting now, I am not drinking anymore. Holy fuck.” He took a sobriety solution an hour ago and then spent twenty minutes puking his guts out, and the rest of the time cleaning the room and himself. He was flushed and messy but at least clear sighted now, just in time for their startup call in 40 minutes.

The cockpit’s second shift really bonded after their unfortunate experience with Elharar, the feared pirate captain. (Rin never saw him. He didn’t regret it.) Now they had regular hangouts together, shared dinners, and took shore leave as a group. Today, that involved going to Bogota proper for a 10 hour pub crawl. Mikey had even less sleep than Rin did. This, combined with the knowledge of Andrade being drunk earlier, meant they were looking at a very challenging departure.

Rin rolled back to the side so he could see his cabinmate’s face. “I will remind you of this next time you step off this ship.” He tried to remember when he drank last. He didn’t get a chance to grab anything alcoholic at the reunion party. He had some fizz at a movie night last month but that barely counted as intoxicant. Andrew shared a tincture with him a few months back, but Rin took a sip and decided it wasn’t for him. Yeah, he hadn’t been drunk since the academy years. He didn’t feel a need for it either.

Mikey grimaced unhappily. “If I could sleep it off, it would be alright. But we missed the train, and then waited for the next one in a station bar, and-”

“It went out of control.” Rin chuckled. “Look at you, working your way to becoming an alcoholic. I mean, the Chief Pilot.”

He regretted saying that last part as they both let out nervous laughs and fell into awkward silence. Andrade was a hard topic to discuss. Mikey has been pining for the man for years, and despite all the shit surrounding the Chief, he still tried to explain most of it away. He knew it, so tried to not engage in such conversations. And yet, here they were again.

Mikey stared at the ceiling for a couple of moments, then looked over at Rin, expression of poorly concealed worry on his face. There we go. “Ng said you two returned to the ship together.”

“Ugh. He somehow ended up at the central hub at the same venue the PAFA reunion took place at. And then insisted on overseeing me buying myself a casual jacket.”

“Woah, what?!” Mikey propped himself up on one elbow, eyes wide. “He bought you a jacket?!”

Rin let out a disgusted groan. “He was drunk! I thought it would be easier to just roll with whatever he was about at that moment than risking making him angry. And I bought the jacket myself, thank you very much.”

This seemed to somewhat reassure Mikey, and he returned his head to the pillow. “Oh, wow.” And then after a pause: “Karim will never shut up about it in the bet chat.”

Rin blinked. Took a moment to process what he just heard. A sinking feeling rolled down his spine. “Bet chat?”

The expression on Mikey’s face told him that he regretted opening his mouth. He managed a tortured smile. “Oh, it’s really nothing! Just one of the talking boards-”

“Bet chat.” Rin sat up. He stared at his coworker intently, unsure what was stronger: his anger or the rising sense of dread.

“You really don’t want to know. And I promise it’s nothing sinister.”

“It’s a bit too late for not knowing, don’t you think?” Rin grumbled and then repeated: “What’s ‘bet chat’?” Sternly. 

Mikey moaned and pressed hands to his face. “Fuck. Okay. Just, please, don’t freak out?”

“The longer you stall, the harder I will freak out, Mikey.”

“Yes, fine.” He sat up with a wince. “You know how everyone’s bored out of their mind on the ship? And so people really love to gossip?”

“I am aware.”

“Well, some like to add a bit more to this, and so they… take bets on what may happen?”

Rin eyed Mikey with wariness. “What may happen.”

“Uhm, yeah. Like… people hooking up and stuff.”

Someone teleported an ice cube into Rin’s stomach. “... They take bets on me and Andrade hooking up?”

“No! I mean, not just you and Andrade! On lots of stuff! And lots of people!” Mikey was panicking now. “Like, Andrade is a favourite character. There are a lot of bets on who he will fuck next and stuff. But there are similar betting pools for me and different chiefs, and well… you.”

It took Rin a full minute to wrap his mind around this revelation. He felt so angry it hurt. “So they are betting on Andrade and me-”

“It’s not specifically about that.” Mikey took a shaky breath. “See, they don’t know you. Most of the participants are stewards and engineers. They don’t know you are not into… dudes.”

The anger imploded and turned into a sickening wormhole of guilt and shame. Mikey didn’t know. He thought Rin was angry only because people assumed he may be into another man. “What is it specifically about?” His voice now sounded hoarse, making it surprisingly threatening.

Mikey took several breaths, looking for a good answer. “I believe the official title is ‘Who will be the first to fuck the Third Pilot’.” Silence. “... Fucking hell, this is so gross now that I said it out loud.”

“Seriously?! And it didn’t feel this way before?!”

Mikey dropped his face into his hands and mumbled. “Rin, I am so sorry. This is shitty, and I feel horrible for participating behind your back. I promise I will cancel my bet-”

Rin choked on air at this. He shot up to his feet without even realising. “You actually bet on me?!”

Mikey flinched and looked up at him, eyes filling with tears. “I’m sorry! I realise how wrong it is!”

“Who did you bet on?!”

“It doesn’t matter! I am cancelling it!”

“No, you don’t get it, Michael Thoresson!” Rin now towered over the Second Pilot, still sitting on his bunk, and it was a very unusual change of dynamics. “This is a moment where you either tell me the truth in its entirety, or I walk out and go straight to the captain and tell him that I require a new cabin because I can’t stay in the same space as you!”

Rin wasn’t sure he would do that. But he was very angry. And despite the earlier revelations, he preferred the truth to constant guessing.

Mikey’s eyes were red and he tried to find an excuse for another minute before giving up. His shoulders dropped and he stared down at his feet and finally mumbled: “Haasan.”

And like that, Rin’s anger was gone. He took the answer in and sat back on the edge of his bunk, exhausted from the earlier outburst. Mikey didn’t know. But Mikey spent enough time with Rin to know him better than anyone else in the cockpit. And he used that knowledge and his intuition to make a surprisingly accurate bet.

The second pilot sniffled and looked up at the third pilot. Seeing less anger, he added in a quiet voice. “I promise, I don’t seriously believe that. I just know you two are friends, and I didn’t want to bet on what seems to be the most popular choice currently…”

“Andrade.”

“Yeah.” He let it hang for a moment. “And the big part of this thing is not even finding out who was correct. It’s discussing everyone’s bets because they are public. Me not betting on anyone looked like I knew something. Me betting on Haasan is taken as trolling. But I will cancel it, as I said.”

Rin stared at the closed door of his storage compartment. He had two plastic books there that he had never shown Mikey. “No.” He heard himself say.

“What?”

“Leave it.” Rin smiled bitterly and met Mikey’s bewildered gaze. “You made, like, the least offensive bet. I can’t help but find it funny. And, if what you say is true, I don’t want people to suddenly assume you know something.”

Mikey sniffled again and rubbed his eyes with the base of his palm. “Rin, I am so sorry, honestly. I am a real piece of shit.”

Rin sighed and got up. “I am still angry with you. But at least you told me. As opposed to me suddenly finding it out from someone like Alparov.”

“Ugh, yeah, Karim doesn’t know subtlety.”

Ironic, coming from an equally unsubtle man. Rin sighed and picked up his jacket, the same one that got him into trouble earlier. Honestly, there was nothing wrong with having just one, branded or not. He put it on and glared down at Mikey. “I’ll be going to the cockpit early. Let’s say I’m not talking to you until tomorrow.”

The second pilot nodded somberly and fell back on his pillow with a dramatic sigh. Rin believed his remorse was genuine, but it was also hard not to find his reaction very theatrical. 

By the time he reached the cockpit, the anger and upset were back. Rin was the only one at his station this early, and a sickening sensation slowly churned in his stomach. How many of those soon to arrive are part of this ‘bet chat’? How many of them were expecting Andrade to make a proper move on him? Rin shuddered at the thought. They didn’t need another complication in their already rickety working relationship.

Rin took a moment to unpack this feeling of disgust. Was it because Andrade was a man? …No. No? No, it was because this was Andrade. The narcissistic egoist who was envious of Rin’s licences or something. If it was someone else, he wouldn’t mind. Would he? Like, if Mikey did it, it would be awkward but not disgusting. Or Devon. Or Ramírez, the dedicated engineer on his shift, he seemed like a nice guy.

What the hell was this train of thought?!

The doors to the cockpit opened, startling him. Houngbédji, subspace navigator third shift, Māhoe, subspace navigator first shift, and Ng, comms operator third shift, walked in chatting about clothes brands or something similar. When they noticed him, Ng was the first one to greet him. The conversation died out as the three of them spread around the cockpit to sit at their stations. They didn’t continue chatting on the inner comm.

Rin’s mood dropped further. Mikey said it was Ng who mentioned seeing him and Andrade return to Hopestar together. Where did she share this? In a personal conversation with Mikey or in this ‘bet chat’? She joined the crew after Rin, but she was already in those gossip boards so seemingly popular amongst others. Rin wasn’t part of any. Well, he didn’t want to be, but also no one ever tried to invite him either. Why? Mikey and Devon knew his dislike of discussing people behind their backs; did they discourage others?

Were there even those others? Could Rin say he had any meaningful interaction with anyone outside of the cockpit who were not Devon or Andrew? This realisation felt like a punch to the gut, and Rin felt a drowning sense of loneliness.

Andrew would be gone for five weeks. And Rin would be lonely for five weeks. He had no one to share this sadness with, nowhere to go to pour his heart out, and nothing to distract his brain with but books, which in turn just reminded him of the missing librarian. All while the rest of the crew gleefully discussed his prospects of getting laid among themselves.