Lucas

Dawn. The magical time between night and day, where the darkened sky welcomes the first hints of light from the rising sun. As a child, I can remember watching the subtle changes with anticipation. Every second that the sky grew brighter brought me closer to whatever adventure I was looking forward to. Christmas mornings. Road trips. Birthdays. All those memory-making highlights of childhood that center around love and family.

I don’t have to look much beyond my immediate circle of friends to know that I’m one of the lucky ones. I was born to parents who’ve made us the center of their universe and who shower us with an unlimited supply of love and acceptance. As a construction worker and teacher, it took a tremendous amount of sacrifice on their part to give us the amazing life we have. It’s something Jenny and I don’t take lightly and have never taken for granted.

As I look beyond the window at the changing sky, for the first time in my life, the threat of sunrise fills me with dread. Up to now, the cover of night served as a sanctuary, shielding us from facing the truth of our reality. A truth that’s grown more and more apparent with every minute I’ve laid here waiting for my parents to walk through that door.

Sitting up, I throw my legs off the side of the bed and then run my hands over my face. Looking behind me, I use the bit of light coming through the window to check in on the girls who are huddled together and still asleep. My sister is curled up facing Embree, her face relaxed, in direct contradiction to how she looked a few hours ago. Like I’m afraid this is the last time I’ll see her at peace I zone in, unable to look away.

When my breath catches in my throat, it takes a second to reign in the tears that threaten to fall. She looks so much like my mom. Something I never noticed before, but from the shape of her face, her eyes, and her light auburn hair, there is no mistaking the resemblance. Suddenly breathless, I close my eyes and drop my head into my hands.

When Uncle George brought us home, Jenny was so distraught that he didn’t object to the three of us collapsing together on the bed. Me and Embree on either side, with my shattered sister laying between us. For the few hours it took for her to fall asleep, Embree and I offered whatever small comfort we could. It wasn’t much, but to my relief, she eventually passed out. Not long after, Embree’s hand—which had held mine since we laid down—went slack, signaling that she too had given in to exhaustion.

For me, on the other hand, sleep has proven elusive. The sound of my sister’s pain continues to reverberate through my ears even as she’s gone quiet. The horrific visions from the night continue to bombard my thoughts in an endless loop I can’t escape. And then there’s the fear that inundates my head with worst-case scenarios. It’s like I’m stuck in a mighty ocean, fighting for air amongst waves determined to drown me.

As is the case when I’m on the verge of losing myself, I search for the cure to everything that ails me. Embree. The balm to my wounded heart and my soul’s salvation. Even in sleep, her face reflects the same grief and worry that consumes me.

It doesn’t seem fair.

Last night we were together, just as we’re meant to be. We were happy. So damn happy that I’ll never forget the bright light of hope and contentment that settled deep within my chest. And that first kiss, my very first taste of her, that moment will forever be one of the highlights of my life. But with everything that’s happening, how do I honor the promises I made to her last night? Especially if the very foundation of my existence may have crumbled into ash.

Unwilling to face the questions ruminating in my head, I rise from the bed. While I’m not ready to face the day, I’m much too restless to continue sitting here dwelling in misery. With quiet steps, I leave the bedroom, stopping to cast one last glance at the girls before carefully shutting the door. Dropping my head against the cool wooden surface, I take a second to steel myself. For the sake of my sister and Embree, no matter the news, I must keep it together. They need me to be strong. To be present and confident. Steady. To be their lighthouse amid the waves and darkened sky that threaten to take us under.

“Focus on that which you can control.” I chant the mantra in my head, over and over, using it to ground me.

Getting answers.

That’s where my focus should be. As terrifying as it is, I need to know what’s happened to my parents. And I need to understand what the hell happened in our home after I left.

Making my way down the stairs, my steps falter at the sound of voices. It’s barely 5 am, so whatever is happening must be related to the fire. Determined to get answers, I ignore my racing heart as I draw closer to the kitchen. The smell of freshly brewed coffee permeates the air, as do the voices of Uncle George—Embree’s dad—and Will’s father, Chief Keller. Though I can’t see them from where I stand, I can tell they’re sitting around the small breakfast table. Stopping just outside their line of sight, I slow my breath and listen closely.

“All signs point to it starting in the basement. According to the fire marshal, most likely electrical. By the time the first trucks made it on the scene, most of the first floor was engulfed. They could hear the smoke alarms going off in various parts of the house, so as far as that goes, they had some warning.”

“So why?” Embree’s dad asks in a tone that’s almost pleading. “If the alarms went off, and the fire started in the basement, why didn’t they get out? Even if they were asleep when it began, their bedroom is on the first floor. Why in the world would they go upstairs?”

“It’s why I need to talk to the kids. When Jessa called for help, she told dispatch she’d made it out. That she went back inside is telling. I’m thinking they thought the kids were in the house?”

Covering my mouth to stifle a sob, I fight against the urge to collapse. There’s no time for this. I can’t give in to the intense emotions tearing me apart. Not until I know the truth. Even if said truth kills me.

“Christ, Chief. How do we tell them? How do we sit those two kids down and tell them their parents are gone?”

“No! No, no, no, no, no!” I burst through the door, startling them both. “Take it back. Now! Take it the fuck back…” My voice breaks as the news seeps into my bones, tainting and poisoning what’s left of my youthful innocence.

With a look of pity, Uncle George steps forward. His hand is extended and his eyes plead for me to take the lifeline he’s offering. “Son…”

“I’m not your fucking son!” I scream with such rage that he takes a step back. The shock on his face only compounds the guilt that’s coursing through my veins.

Unable to breathe, I rush from the room. I need to escape. To get away from this place, from the pain, from the inevitable truth, I’m not ready to face. Using the sliding glass door off of the den, I take off toward the woods in a run. All the while, I ignore the voices calling for me to stop.

Don’t they get it? I can’t be here. Not after everything I’ve done, everything I’ve lost. Without them, I have no fucking place. No fucking life. No fucking future.

Reaching the small creek that runs behind Embree’s house, I collapse on the bank and spill the contents of my stomach.

I did this. Oh my fucking god, I did this!

Painful sobs wrack through me as my body purges everything I wish weren’t true. Everything hurts. My heart. My soul. Every part of my body. With shaky hands, I crawl to the edge of the water, and upon seeing the bottom, I’m struck with disappointment. All night I fought against those waves that threatened to drown me, and now that I’m desperate to sink and disappear into nothingness, all that’s available is a shallow pool of calm water.

It’s ironic. Another of life’s cruel jokes. When we wish to sink, we float, but when we want to live and do more than merely exist, the waves close in to steal our hope.

Overwhelmed by the excruciating pain in my chest, I sink into the arms that suddenly wrap themselves around me. I’m so desperate for relief from the weight of my failures that I soak in the comfort I don’t deserve. Like the coward that I am, I don’t fight it. No matter how much that voice inside my head tells me I should, I just can’t. The thought of pushing away the loving embrace, especially as I don’t know if I’ll ever feel this again now that they’re gone, renders me weak. Instead, I close my eyes and pretend it’s my parent’s arms that surround me.

I don’t know how much time passes, but he waits until my chest no longer heaves with grief to speak. “We’ll get you through this, Lucas. You have my word.”

“I did this,” the confession pours out of me in a rush. “They’re dead because of me.”

Stunned, his grip on me tightens. Probably searching for the right words, he doesn’t immediately respond. “Why would you say that, Luc? What happened to make you think any of this is your fault?”

“I left,” I sob. The anguish returns in a tidal wave of agony as I force myself to say out loud that which I’m not ready to confront. “They were sleeping when I left. I didn’t wake them. I left a note, but I didn’t wake them so they didn’t know. They died trying to save me and I wasn’t even there.”

“Christ,” his voice cracks and I can feel the shake of his body as he fights through his own emotions. “This isn’t on you, Lucas. I know it’s hard to believe it right now, but I’m telling you, kid,” he pauses and shakes me like he’s trying to get me to listen. “This is not on you.”

When I don’t respond, he pulls back and forces my gaze to his. “I need you to promise me, Lucas. Right here, right now, promise that you’ll trust me to get you through to the other side. Promise and I will spend the rest of my life reminding you that you are not to blame, until the day you wake up and finally believe it. I give you my word. Put your trust in me and I’ll make damn sure you and your sister will be okay.”

I wish I could make him that promise, I do. But that part of me who’s driven to always do the right thing is conflicted. Blinded by guilt, that voice is telling me I don’t deserve to ever be okay again.

“I don’t know if you know this, but the first time I met your parents was on my wedding day,” he pauses and lets out a deep sigh. “I was terrified. We’d found out that Muriel was pregnant, so we moved back to town and planned a quickie wedding. It was your mom and Muriel that grew up together. Embree’s mom isn’t an easy person to love, and that your mother loved her and went out of her way to help us with the wedding spoke volumes about who she was as a person.

“The first time I met them, I was pacing the floors at the back of the church, waiting for the ceremony to start. I was alone. A stranger in a new town, I knew no one, but the minute your parents saw me, that all changed. I’ll never forget how your mom pulled me into a hug like she’d known me her entire life. Then she side-eyed your dad, and quickly excused herself,” he chuckles. “It’s like they had this secret language. At the time, I found it odd, but over the years, I realized that’s what true love is. Awareness of one another. Knowing what the other is thinking or feeling merely because that other person’s experience in this life means that much to you.

“Anyway,” he exhales. “Your dad, who I’ll remind you was a total stranger, patted me on the back and told me I’d be okay. That he and your mother were there for both of us, no matter the time of day, all I had to do was call. You were in his arms during that conversation. The entire time, your adorable baby blues stared back at me with such wonder and curiosity that I couldn’t help but touch you. When you reached out and wrapped your little fingers around mine, I swear…” his voice wavers like he’s fighting back the emotion. 

“At that moment, I knew I’d be okay. You gave me peace that day, kid. You and your dad gave me the confidence to take that step into the next phase of my life. For that, I’ll be forever indebted to you and your parents. It’s why no matter what happens from this day forward, Lucas, I’m here. For as long as God lets me. In the meantime, I promise to create a home where you and Jenny will eventually feel safe again. I love you and your sister as if you were mine. While I know I’m not your father and that our home doesn’t feel like yours, I promise someday you’ll wake up to find that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be.”