The next few weeks are a blur. 

I try my best to continue with my everyday routine with a few adjustments. 

I wake up as late as I can, and try to drown myself in work. I take up as many editing projects as I can to try to muffle the sound of my thoughts. 

It doesn’t really work. Everything I do seems to be a constant reminder that I’m only wanted when I’m needed. 

This goes on for a month. Could’ve been two. Maybe three months. 

Even in my free moments I’m reminded of him. Every song I play. Every movie I watch. Even his house is on my daily commute home. Every. Single. Damn. Thing. 

This is so unfair. He is out there having the time of his life. Hanging out with our  friends, my  friends. While I’m here feeling sorry for myself. Doing everything in my power to try and forget him. To try to hate him. And… and….

I’m crying. 

I’m driving across the street where he lives, and I’m crying. 

My face starts to dampen, and I can taste the saltiness of my tears. I try to concentrate on my playlist.  

The song that’s blaring from my radio starts to sound ironic. It’s in Spanish

Me disfracé de inocente

 Porque nunca imaginé vivir sin ti 

Y ahora que no estás aquí (dice)

No será fácil decirle a mi boca que ya no te nombre

No será fácil taparle los ojos a este corazón

Y es evidente que no siempre gana el que llega primero

(I disguised myself as innocent

Because I never imagined living without you

And now that you're not here

It won't be easy

To tell my mouth not to mention you anymore

It won't be easy

To cover the eyes of this heart

And it's evident

That the one who arrives first doesn't always win)

I start to laugh. Hard. Harder than I’ve ever laughed in my laugh. My tears stop rolling, and my face starts to feel sticky. 

Forget this.

I don’t think it’s fair that I have to suffer while he gets to live normally. 

I arrive home, hurry into my room, and decidedly, I start to plan. 

Ok…

…

This is harder than I thought. 

I debate whether I should call my friends for some help, but they all seem so busy with their own lives. 

Billie was on cloud nine with Jason. She was happy dating someone. I didn’t want to bother her with my loveless life. 

Mar is married. Happily married to John. (Which is how we met) I knew she had been in a previous relationship before marrying John. I could call her for help, but she had different responsibilities and problems of her own. I didn’t want to be a burden. 

I can’t ask Jo because then I’ll have to tell her about my feelings for her brother. And that’s an awkward conversation I’d rather not have. Ever. So she’s definitely out of the question. 

Gen is… well Gen is young. She’s 17, fresh out of high school… actually, I could ask Gen. I know she’s young, but she has known both me and Noah for a long time. She also has no filter, so I know she won’t hold back. There’s just something about the way she sees these situations that are just… insightful. 

Everyone I’ve talked to about this all say the same thing:

“He’s a jerk.” “You should move on.” “He’s not worth it.” “You should work on yourself.” 

After a while, their words sounded so monotone. Hearing the same thing over and over again was becoming boring.  Is boring. 

I needed someone who would tell me something different. Someone who would laugh at my situation, make fun of me even. And Gen was old enough to understand what happened, but young enough that she would find it funny. 

Coincidentally, Jo’s graduation party was coming up, and neither Gen nor me had bought a gift. And since Gen still didn’t have a license, I sometimes had to drive her places. This was perfect. I grab my phone to text Gen:

Uber 7:40 pm 

What did you get Jo?

My phone turns on. Gen finally answered. 

Needs a license 7:45 pm

Ahhhhhhhhhh. Nothing.

Uber 7:57 pm 

You’re not getting her anything?!

Needs a license 8:20 pm

Nooo. 

Uber 8:25 pm

You haven’t bought it? 

Needs a license 8:27 pm

No. What are you getting her?

Uber 8:30 pm

Me. I’m broke. So I’m getting a gift bow and tape it to myself. I will be the present. 

Needs a license 8:35 pm

maybe we could get matching bows 😂

Uber 8:37 pm

No seriously. What are you getting her?

Needs a license 8:40 pm

She said she wanted notebooks and stuff.

Uber 8:42 pm

You know her party is this weekend, right? 

Needs a license 8:43 pm 

Yea 

Uber 8:44 pm

And you are supposed to be her best friend 

Needs a license 8:45 pm

…

Uber 8:46 pm

Neither of us have a gift

Uber  9:30 pm

You know I get anxious when you don’t answer 

Uber 9:31 pm

ANSWER ME 

Needs a license 9:32 pm 

Calm down Woman. Y r u so obsessed with me 

Needs a license 9:32 pm

Wat do u want

Needs a license 9:33 pm

?

Uber 9:35 pm 

When were you planning on buying the gift?

Needs a license 9:36 pm

Idk when’s the party

Uber 9:37 pm

This Saturday 

Needs a license 9:38 pm 

Saturday morning 

Uber 9:39 pm

…

Uber 9:40 pm

 I was planning to go shopping tmrrw. Want to come? I don’t like shopping alone 

Needs a license 9:42 pm 

Sure 

Uber 9:43 pm

Great.

Needs a license 9:44 pm 

Soooooooo

Uber 9:45 pm

Need a ride

Uber 9:45 pm 

?

Needs a license 9:47 pm  

🙄 

Uber 9:50 pm 

I’ll pick u up 

Gen and I drive around town looking for the perfect gift for Jo. Turns out, the more you know a person the less you actually know a person. 

We are walking out the door from the last store when I decide I’m going to tell Gen… 

Maybe I’ll wait until we get to the car.

We got to my car. 

I start the engine, and I begin to back out of the parking space

I figure that if I can at least say the first phrase or word my brain will switch to auto-pilot and I won’t have to actually worry about what I’m going to say. 

Okay Logan, you have to do this. 

The more you talk about it, the more ridiculous it sounds. And we’ll be able to move on faster. 

“So Gen…” 

“Uhuh?”

“You come here often?”

“What are you doing?” Gen says confused

“Trying not to panic.”

Gen grabs my shoulder, “it’s not working.” 

“Yeah I can see.” I look ahead “want to stop by the mall? See what we find there?”

“Yes please. You forgot I need to eat.”

“You haven’t eaten?!” 

“No” Gen confesses 

“It’s 1 in the afternoon. Are you insane?! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” I start to raise my voice 

“So… the mall?”

I take a deep breath, “mall. You can eat there.” 

I take another, “so Gen. I’m about to tell you something, but I don’t want you to tell anyone else. You will take this to your grave. Understood?” I glance at Gen. 

She nods as her face gets serious 

I continue, “I’m going to tell you, because I know you see things objectively. Sometimes. And that you will be blunt about it.” 

I park my car near the food court and enter the mall. 

“Do you plan on telling me? Or do I have to guess?” Gen starts to laugh. 

Oh my god she’s enjoying this. 

“Hold on, it’s kinda embarrassing.” I have to do this eventually, “so… I’ve liked someone for like a year now.” 

“Yea? Keep going.” Gen is enjoying a little too much 

“And he… I don’t like him anymore. I think. But he…” I try to find the correct words. I realize that I’m starting to spiral. 

“It’s Noah. Isn’t it?” Gen’s words snap me back 

“It’s- no… was it that obvious?” I sort of don’t want to know the answer 

“It was to me. You always seem different with him than you were with us. Or even other guys.” She points at her face, “you always had this stupid smile every time you guys talked.”

“Do you think he knew?” 

“Noah thinks that every girl is secretly in love with him. But he’s also very stupid.” She stops to think, “so I don’t think he knew.”

We finally get to the food court and Gen finds the restaurant where she wants to eat and orders. 

“Did you ever think he liked you back?” She finally asks 

“No.” I lie. “He asked out Amber.” 

“I know. Everyone knows.” 

“Well. After he got rejected, he came to me.” 

Gen gets her food and we try to find an empty table to sit at. 

“He invited me out. We went out to eat. He canceled on two plans to hang out with me.” I grabbed Gen’s face, “we spent the whole day together.” 

“Lets go of my fashe.” Gen’s words barely come through 

“Look. You’ve seen how it’s been lately. He ignores me.” I let go of Gen’s face 

“True. You two seem more awkward than normal. I just thought you guys had fought or something.” 

“Well after I gave him all the attention, he stopped talking to me.” I relax in my chair, “after I found out that hours before he asked me to spend the day with him, he had been rejected by Amber, I was sad. And then I was angry. So I did stop talking to him. And when he reciprocated I was relieved. But now, I don’t know what I want.” I groan in frustration 

“Maybe you should talk to him.”

“No.”

“Yea. I think you should tell him.”

I shake my head, “no. That is out of the question. The last time I talked to him I almost had a panic attack.” 

“Well you’ll eventually have to talk to him.”

“I don’t have to talk to him. Mar told me I could write him a letter.”

“Did you?” Gen asks a little too interested 

“Yes. But I was angry when I wrote it, so I will keep that one.” I look around, “look I move in a couple of months, maybe I can write one and send it to him before I leave, that way he can read once I’m gone. I don’t want to see his face. But at the same time I don’t want him to have evidence. I also don’t want him to know that it’s from me.” 

“Mhm. True. If he has evidence, his ego could grow. He’ll think he’s too good for anyone. Y’know?”  Gen looks at a distance and shivers 

“Also. Amber? I- I’ve been compared to Amber my entire life. If he had just chosen any other girl, I wouldn’t feel so crappy. But it’s because it’s her. I never want to be wanted, just because she is unavailable. I’ve always hated when guys came to me just because Amber wasn’t interested.” 

Gen nods understandably 

“And I can understand why guys like her so much. She’s so easy to approach, she has this soft look in her eyes. I have the worst resting face. I always look like I’m mad. She has this sweet voice. Like she sounds nice, my voice is deeper and raspier. She’s whiter than me, which helps with her light hair and green eyes. I have brown eyes and I dye my hair every time I have a mental breakdown. She’s so much prettier than me.” I notice my voice is getting louder, so I look around to make sure that no one is listening and I lower my voice, “why can’t, for once, I be someone’s first choice? Is that so much to ask? Why can’t a guy look at Amber and me, and choose me? Am I really that uninteresting?” I look at Gen to get some kind of answer. Even if it’s a lie. 

It’s true that between Amber and me, people always tend to choose Amber. She is so much nicer than me. She was the kind of girl you take home to meet the parents. I was more of a “rebellious phase”. If you want to disappoint your mom, I was what you took home. 

Gen is still nodding. Her eyes are unfocused, “that’s exactly how I feel about Jo. Don’t get me wrong, I love her. But people will always choose her over me. We are the problem.” She points to the both of us

I start to laugh, “well I least we have each other. Are you finished with your food?” 

“I guess I am now.” Gen picks up her trash and we begin to walk back towards the exit. 

We get to my car and start to drive towards Gen’s house.

“If I write the letter, could I leave it with you? That way, I can make sure that I’m actually gone, and then you could give it to him. Just don’t tell him who it's from.” I ask Gen

“Yea. I could do that.”

We arrived at her house. Gen grabs her shopping bags and her purse, and hops out of the car. 

“And Gen,” I waved my hand around, “this conversation never happened.”

“What conversation?”

“Exactly. Bye, love you.”