Lucas

How did I get here?

From innocence and possibilities, to hopelessness and broken dreams.

Rock bottom.

It’s the only way to describe my newfound reality. Gone is the boy who strove for bigger and better things… anything he could think of to make his parents proud. Gone is the 17-year-old kid who dreamed of football, scholarships, and a successful future. Most of all, gone is the man who fell in love with a girl not meant for him, but who was certain that in the end, she would eventually be his.

 “I killed them. Me going after you that night is the reason my parents are dead!”

“No…” she sobs into her hands. Her whiskey eyes drowning in disbelief as she stares back at me with a look that’s almost pleading. “I don’t believe that. You didn’t cause that fire and you left them a note…”

“A note on a refrigerator door that they probably never saw.”

“It doesn’t matter. You did exactly what they would have expected and what happened after that is not on you.”

“You’re wrong,” my voice breaks and it takes a second to pull myself together. “I could have woken them. Told them I was leaving, or better yet, I should have kept my ass at home so I could have been there to help save them.”

“Or you could have died too!” she yells, her voice rough and so fraught with anguish it takes everything in me not to reach out to comfort her.

If I touch her now, I’ll never stop. If I hold her in my arms, it will make what I have to do next that much more difficult to get through.

“You could have died with them, Lucas, and then what would Jen and I have done? We never would have survived that. We wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to exist in a world where you don’t, so I’m sorry. I’m glad you weren’t there. That you were safe with me, Jen, and our friends at the bonfire and I am certain if your parents were here, they would tell you the same thing.”

At the mention of my parents, my breath catches in my throat and the traitorous tears I’ve been fighting begin to fall. She’s right. I know that’s what my parents would have said, but here’s the thing, they’re not here. They’re dead. Their lives were stolen from them by circumstances I could have prevented if only I’d stayed where I told them I’d be.

When she steps into my space and places a gentle hand against the side of my face, I lose the battle. I need her. Fuck, do I need her, which is why I lean into her touch, close my eyes, then pull her into my arms. The scent of vanilla and summer breezes infiltrates my lungs like a breath of fresh air. It blankets me in a cocoon of warm comfort that after the past week, I would do anything to hold on to. It’s her. My Embree. The balm to my broken heart. If only it were enough to piece me back together and make me whole, but no. Nothing will ever be enough to turn me back into the man I was meant to be before that night.

“I ruined everything,” I whisper through a quiet sob. “I’m so sorry I ruined everything.”

“You didn’t,” she shakes her head and when she tries to pull back to look at me, I stop her. I cannot bear to have her look at me right now. Not with the evidence of my guilt, my faults, and my mistakes seeping out of me like the ugly pus of an infected wound. “You didn’t ruin anything, Lucas. You’re here. Jen’s here. You’re both here, safe and sound, just as your parents would have wanted.”

She doesn’t understand that I’m not only talking about my parents, but about us. My actions that night and what happened in the aftermath are the reasons she and I will never be. It’s done. We’re over. Any chance we had at a future together was reduced to a pile of ashes alongside the life I’ll never have. For me, there is no coming back from this, and I refuse to drag her or Jenny down with me. 

“Lucas,” she forces her way past my tight hold until she’s looking up at me. “It may not seem like it now, but I swear you aren’t to blame for what happened, no matter what that guilt-ridden brain of yours tells you. You didn’t cause that fire and there was no way for you to know what was going to happen when you left them that night.” When I shake my head, she takes my face into her hands. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’m stubborn then,” she gives me a sad smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “You don’t believe me right now, which is okay because I have zero problems reminding you of that truth, over and over again, until you finally believe it.”

The vehemence in those whiskey eyes is my undoing. That she so firmly believes what she’s saying grips me by the throat and drags me back from the depths of doom with a force that leaves me questioning if I’m looking at this all wrong. God, do I want her to be right. The thought of digging out from the suffocating weight of this guilt is enough to make me want to pretend. It’s enough to bring some life-saving air back into my constricted chest.

Desperate for more and determined to get lost in the feeling she’s invoked, I look down at her rosy lips. Even through the darkness, they call to me like a beacon. Luscious and soft. Full and exquisite, just like my very first taste of her.

The sound of her breath hitching in her throat pulls my gaze back to hers. The desperate longing that was a low simmer flares to life when I find that same passionate yearning staring back at me. Lost and helpless to fight it anymore, I give in to the magnetic pull that draws me to her. Lowering my lips ever so slowly, I listen as her breath tells me all I need to know. She wants this. Christ, she wants this just as much as I do, and that thought alone is enough to shatter all my self-control.

With fervent desperation, our lips come together. Desire and need course through my blood, as her plump lips open, yielding and begging for me to devour her. To own her. To take care of her. It’s intoxicating. All-consuming.

I don’t know how it happens. One minute we’re standing in the middle of the room and the next we’re on the couch, her soft thighs straddling me as her warm center scorches over my aching cock.

“God, I want you, Emb. You have no idea how much I fucking want you.” I pant through kisses that become more frantic.

“I’m yours. I’m yours,” she chants, then hisses, as my lips move to explore the curve of her neck.

Fuck, she’s amazing. The feel of her soft skin under my lips, under my fingertips, as I squeeze the back of her supple thighs, I’m undone. All common sense and reservations melt away, leaving nothing but this incessant ache only she can allay.

I want this. More than anything, all I want is this chance to lose myself inside of her. To bury all this pain and regret under layers of pleasure for what I’m sure will be the greatest moment of my life, but what if it only makes things worse? What if she ends up hating me? The thought of leaving her behind is hard enough, but doing so knowing she might hate me instantly douses my desire to take this further.

“Wait,” I pull back, dropping our foreheads together as we breathe each other in. “We can’t do this. We just can’t.”

“Why,” she pulls back, the look of hurt behind those whiskey eyes tells me she’s interpreting my actions as rejection.

“Hey, it’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that we shouldn’t. Not with everything…” I trail off, afraid I’ll say too much.

“But I want this, Lucas. I want you and I want you to want me.”

“I do want you. More than anything I’ve wanted in my entire life, but Embree, there’s so much up in the air right now. The last thing I’d want is for you to end up hating me.”

“Why would I hate you?” She searches my eyes. “I love you. It’s why I’ve saved all my firsts for you. More than anything, I want to do this with you.”

And just like that, she sparks the desire back to life. Tendrils of pleasure and need crawl over my skin until I’m almost vibrating with it. Unable to help myself, I squeeze her hips tight and I grind up into her sweet center. The sound she emits damn near blinds me with pleasure, as my mouth scrambles to find her lips.

“You’ve been saving all your firsts for me?” I groan at the thought. It’s all so wrong, but it’s like I’ve been reduced to a primal state where all I want is to take those first and stake my claim. The slight nod she gives isn’t enough for the caveman asshole I’ve suddenly become. “I need to hear it, Emb. Our kiss that night. Was it your first?”

“Yes…” she breathes with a look of embarrassed innocence that nearly unmans me. I never would have known had she not told me. When I took her in my arms that night, I did so with the determination that by the end of the night, she would be mine. Now I wish I’d taken it slow and cherished those precious first moments.

“You’ve never let anyone else kiss you like this?” I take her lips, slowly parting them with my tongue, as I take her face in my hands so I can deepen the kiss. She tastes like heaven and feels like sin, but damn if I care. I would spend an eternity in hell for just one more minute with her like this.

“No. Only you. Please, Lucas.”

“What are you asking for, Emb?” I pull back to look at her as nerves I’ve never felt flutter to the surface. Now I’m the one feeling timid. I’m desperate to have her while terrified I’m not good enough to be her first.

“This,” she reaches for the hem of her t-shirt and pulls it over her head. My eyes instantly zero in on the rosy peaks at the tips of her beautiful breasts. “Touch me. Please, touch me.”

Fuuuck…

Not needing to be told twice, I pull her close, gently swiping my tongue over a pert nipple, while palming her other breast. My god, she’s amazing. This moment is better than anything I could have imagined. When a deep moan slips past her lips, I swear I damn near come in my pants. I’m so enthralled by what’s happening that I sit there helpless and confused when she pulls back and stands. With the same urgency I feel, she pulls down her pajama bottoms and panties, and the sight of her standing in front of me gloriously naked steals my fucking breath.

Even in the dark, I can see the swell of her breasts hanging heavy just above her flat stomach. The outline of her waist guides my eyes until I zero in on the dark thatch of hair that covers her center. Christ, everything about this girl is perfect, which begs the question, what the hell am I doing and why would she ever want someone as screwed up as me?

I have little time to ponder the question when I see her reach for my wallet on top of the end table. I know what she’s looking for, even before I see the gold foil packet. When she drops to her knees in front of me, my breath catches. The fog of lust and desire that descends upon me renders me helpless to stop her, as with wide eyes, I follow the movement of her hands. When she takes the waist of my sweatpants and boxers, looks up at me, and pulls, my hips and hands oblige. Moving of their own accord to help her pull down the offending barrier to free my cock. The look in her eyes as she looks at it only fuels the heat that’s now bearing down on me like a runaway train.

I need her to touch me just as badly as she needed me to touch her, but I won’t say it. I can’t. She needs to lead this. It’s the only way to make sure I’m not reading more into her actions than she might actually want.

Without hesitation, she reaches down to touch me. The feel of her warm hands around me radiates red-hot pleasure through my groin, forcing my eyes shut as I bite back a groan. Christ, I want more. More of that. Of her. Of everything.

“Did that hurt?” It’s only then that I notice she’s stopped. With eyes full of concern, she waits for my answer. The intense need as my balls draw up tight renders me speechless, and all I can do is shake my head.

Needing a second to pull myself together, I pull her up and back onto my lap. Dropping my forehead to the crook of her neck, I heave in a breath and draw her close. When she melts into me, it’s then I realize my mistake. With every breath we take, the wet heat of her body slides seamlessly over my dick, and my god, does it feel amazing.

“Fuuuck! Don’t move. Please don’t move,” I beg, all the while I’m almost blinded by the desire to thrust into her.

“Don’t stop this, Lucas. Please. I need you, I need this.”

“Are you sure, Emb? You have to be sure…”

“I’m sure,” she interrupts as she pulls back far enough to kiss me. “I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

That’s all it takes. Like a damn burst open, we come together in a heap of passion. Limbs grabbing and caressing with a desperation that speaks to the uncertainty this past week has taught us. Nothing in this life is a guarantee, just like nothing is forever. Reality and responsibilities. Those things will always be there, but this? Love and lust. Passion and desire, especially with the one whose soul aligns with yours, now that isn’t a sure thing. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that only comes around if luck and time are on your side.

My father’s words choose this moment to reverberate in my head, and this time I think I finally understand what he meant.

“Look, all I’m saying is messy things are some of the most memorable and worthwhile experiences one can have. It’s part of life, son. You need to mix in a little mess to find the spice. So don’t be afraid to get a little dirty now and again because those are the moments that make life worth living.”

I will use tonight to show her what she means to me. Loving her body. Using whispered words of affection that I hope will forever cement themselves onto her soul. Taking my time and making sure we’re both here in the now, cherishing and ingraining this experience into our beings so that tomorrow when she finds me gone, she’ll never doubt the depth of my love.

It’s because of love that I must leave.

My love for Embree. A love that will burn for all eternity, but that if I stay, will end up destroying her thanks to my building anger and resentment.

My love for my sister who deserves a chance at a regular life, something that won’t be possible if I stay and she ends up in foster care.

And most of all, my love for my parents who lost their lives attempting to save me. In their honor, I must go off into the world to atone for my sins and to ensure their sacrifice was not in vain.

Tonight marks the end of my story, but I hope the coming dawn will mark the beginning of theirs. I only hope that with time they’ll both find a way to forgive me.