I am at a lack of words for what happened. I thought this thing we had was too beautiful to ever end, and now it seems to have ended. It's funny, right? Always heard the same line: "too good to last" or "too good to be true", and we never think of that in the moment, do we?

          Well, I did. 

          For months upon months, I cherished every second with you. I said a lot of things, but the vast majority never were said out loud. Call me a coward, I'll accept it willingly, but it was simply too beautiful to even dare challenge it, to ever risk a second of awkwardness. Truth is, I held my tongue, my hands, my body, my emotions for so long. And I couldn't be happier that I did. Because in that I learned. I know. Me, learning from someone? Sounds impossible, but for every shining peak there is a base of hideousness that is nothing but pure strenght upholding a million tonnes of failures and shortcomings. 

          Do you remember the answer you gave me when I asked what you wanted in this life? All those months ago, hell could've been a year. I'm no good with numbers, but my memory is serving me right here. You told me you wanted to be remembered as someone good; someone who inspired positive change in people. To have your name be remembered as something people smile upon when remembering, a light that could point others in the right direction.

           Well, I would bet all have that I am the person who you impacted the most. 

          From the second I saw you, I lost. I didn't even know you, but I couldn't keep my eyes off you. I couldn't bear to concentrate on any subjects, the teacher's voice ceased to exist while you were in my field of view, and goddamn if every second of it wasn't beautiful. Learning to concentrate through the beating of my heart, the yells of desire to just go up and talk to you, and the incontrollable imaginations that ran wild in my brain. And then you made a group of friends, a niche trio of people I would learn to cherish as family and it's fourth member.

          Do you remember how I integrated myself there? Did our mutual friend introduce us? I don't even remember. I'm sure I was too wound up with the marching pace of my heart to form coherent memories. But I remember how we talked. I remember the first time we were alone in the college cafeteria. Well, outside. It was so incredibly cold, do you remember? I was struggling to make conversation, my anxiety was peaking, and then my friend came and talked. You had to be there in awkwardness as he only talked to me, and how I cursed my friend after that. But those few minutes of us seating across each other were imprinted in my brain.

          Do you remember when I made you laugh? I remember. And it was on out first conversation too. We were walking to the exit as a group, and I made a passing a comment that made you laugh. I can't begin to explain how much pride I felt in that moment. After all, make someone laugh in your first interaction and you'll win their interest forever. That day, I felt accomplished.

          Do you remember when you started leaving with our mutual friend? She would drive you home after the classes, and she had taken a liking to me and always parked near my car. We would walk together to the cars, I would hug her, high-five you, and go our separate ways. And every day I would wish that you wanted a hug.

          Do you remember when you did?

          I will never forget. I had hugged her, I reached out to fist-bump, but you said you wanted a hug instead. My heart had never stopped so violently before. I opened my arms and you went in, and for a brief few seconds nothing else in the world mattered. The universe around me disappeared, the floor was gone, the surrounding cars were gone, and nothing else mattered but you and me, with our arms around each other, in that cold winter night. 

          Do you know that I had not felt happy for a long time before that? Sure, I could keep my jokes going, I could make people laugh easily, I was liked and in a group with new friends, but that hug? I felt happiness as I hadn't felt in months. A rush so pure through my veins, intoxicating.

          Do you remember when I asked you out? We were going to go see a movie, I had broken my anxiety barrier! I reached out to you, and you accepted. I felt powerful, unstoppable.

          And then the day came, and you left without saying a word. After the classes ended you took off, and I cried.

          Do you remember our first kiss? Do you know it was the cruelest thing you ever did to me?