TW: Death

Maybe, I realized as I crawled into bed later that night, I should ask Mother that question.  She knew I would want to leave town, and maybe she would know better how long she had left or whether she would be able to move someplace else.  On the other hand, though, I didn’t want to sound like I was asking her for a timeline on how long I was “stuck” here, which wasn’t the case at all.  Sure, I would only stay after graduation for her sake, but after I’d graduated, maybe she’d be okay with me just living in the woods with her, anyway, and forgetting about this stupid town and its stupid feud.  So that part might not be all bad.  Maybe I could just live with her until she passed away, and then join Mark wherever he was.  He might not understand why I’d just disappear for a while, but maybe if I told him I was trying to spend some time with my mom?  He knew Mother had left town years ago, so it’d probably make sense to him that I’d want to hunt her down and talk to her again as soon as I was able to leave town on my own.  The fact that I already knew where she was and it wasn’t that far from town could be left out.

I felt a little more cheerful as I fell asleep.  This seemed like a workable plan.  Mark wouldn’t need to know the truth, and I could stay with Mother for as long as possible, but still get out of this town after graduation.  Then eventually, I could join Mark in Avenglade or wherever and never look back.

That would be a good day.

~~~~~

Marilyn was apparently attempting to drive me insane.  It was graduation week and you’d think that would mean she was focused on school and what graduation meant, but no, instead, she kept trying to get into fights with some of Bill’s hydras and seemed to be particularly focused on the idea of actually doing something rather than just arguing.  I had no idea if maybe one of the older members had talked to her about how she hadn’t made any actual advancements yet, or what the deal was, but it was clear that something was going on with her today.

After the fourth time of her getting into a verbal battle with some hydras, trying to provoke them into an attack, I made an excuse that I had a headache and was going home for the rest of the day.  It wasn’t actually entirely a lie – I definitely did have a headache from just dealing with Marilyn and her nonsense.

I headed home and managed to avoid running into any family members, slipping into my room where I could just lie back on my bed, eyes closed, and just – just exist.  Not think, not be involved in some stupid fight, not try to figure out the future, not do any of that.

I was only a teenager, but sometimes I felt so tired of all of this.  I understood why dragons like Mother could die from just being tired of life.  If their life was like this, year after year?  No wonder sometimes it felt like living wasn’t worth it.

I closed my eyes, trying to find a semblance of peace – and then I bolted upright, eyes wide as my hand instinctively clutched at my chest.

The sudden pain I was feeling coursing through my heart, through my soul – no.  No, it couldn’t be.  It felt like my soul itself was being splintered, like something had been irrevocably broken and the screaming pain left behind told me what it was – but I couldn’t accept it.

I was on my feet a moment later, running for the door, ignoring the shouts from my aunt about running in the house, and I kept running the entire way back to the school.  I burst through the doors, down the halls, and skid to a stop as I reached the track, my horrified eyes finally confirming what I’d hoped I was just imagining.

Bill was yelling at Marilyn, and several adults were involved, muttering to themselves and trying to avoid an all-out fight.  On the ground nearby was Ryan, who looked like he’d gotten some nasty acid burns from one of Bill’s people, and a body – a body that wasn’t breathing.

Mark.  Marilyn, Ryan, I didn’t know who, but one of them had killed Mark.  They’d killed my soulmate.

I didn’t have to be a genius to put the pieces together.  There were a couple of younger hydras there, one bawling his eyes out while hugging Mark’s backpack.  This was probably the neighbor kid he’d mentioned, the one who’d been afraid to go to school.  Mark had most likely decided to walk him to and from school to help him, and with Marilyn on the warpath today and Mark’s tendency to spout back what he really thought about Marilyn and Bill and their nonsense…Marilyn had turned it into a real fight, hadn’t she?  One that Mark was in no way prepared for and could in no way handle.  He was all words, not actions.

I stared at his body, feeling the stinging pain of the loss of my soulmate, while filling with anger in the same moment.  This town, this feud – it had stolen Mark’s dream, but now, now that we were so close to finishing, it had stolen his life, too.  He’d been preparing to move out of town next week, had purchased a bus ticket and everything, and now – now all his plans were snuffed out, all because of this dumb feud.

I hated it.  I hated them all.

And yet, I couldn’t show it.  They wouldn’t understand why I was so angry at the death of a hydra.  A kapra even, would be surprising, since I tended to just be so apathetic about everything in general.  To be angry at all would be a shock, but to be angry about the death of a hydra would be particularly confusing.

Did it matter now?  Could I tell them the truth?  I didn’t even know.  All I did know was that my soul and heart were hurting, my best friend was gone, and no one even knew.  No one knew that we were friends, let alone soulmates.

As I watched hydra police take Mark’s body away, knowing I wouldn’t be allowed to attend the funeral – as someone from “the other side of town” – and I wouldn’t be allowed to say a proper goodbye, I felt rage and pain fill me again, but I turned and left the school this time, heading towards where I stored my bike.  I didn’t stop until I passed into Mother’s mountain and found my way to where she was sleeping.

This wasn’t a regular time for me to visit her, so Mother hadn’t been expecting me, and it took her some time – hours, probably, but I couldn’t entirely keep track of time while I was trying to process what had just happened – to wake up and notice me sitting against her, crying softly.

“Winter?”  She asked as she stirred, moving her delicate wing to protect me from the rain that was falling.  “What’s wrong, has something happened?”

“They killed Mark,” I burst out.  “They killed my soulmate.  All because of this dumb war.  All he wanted to do was get out of here and maybe study space and stars, and he was about to get what he wanted, and they just – they snuffed out his life, all because he dared not be happy about the war.  Because he didn’t just bow down to Marilyn when she wanted it.”

Okay, maybe I was reading into it, but I’d heard some whispers while I’d been standing in the field that confirmed my suspicions.  Marilyn had said something to Mark’s neighbor and Mark had responded snippily.  Not something he should have lost his life for, but Marilyn was looking for any chance to start a fight, and she’d taken it.

And it’d cost him his life.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and hugged them tightly, the tears falling freely.  Mother was the only one who knew about me and Mark, and the only one who’d understand the pain I was feeling in this moment as my soulmate was taken from me.

Mother’s wing moved in closer and her tail gently nudged me, the closest she could get to a hug in this form.  “I am sorry, Winter.  No one should lose their soulmate, let alone anyone as young as you.  The pain of that loss is wrenching and unforgettable.”  She was quiet for a bit while I just cried, leaning against her cold blue scales.

“I once lost a soulmate, too.”  She said at last.  “I loved a unicorn, and she and I had thought we would be together forever.  I was a dragon, after all, so I could protect a unicorn, could I not?  But I traveled once – just once – to help my sister with a project she had, and in that short time, it was enough for someone who’d been watching and waiting.  They brought enough people with them to burn through my protection mark.  I was too far away, flying back as quickly as I could, but I felt the moment that they killed her.  I will always regret that.  That I couldn’t get back in time, that I’d left her alone at all, that my magic wasn’t enough to protect her completely.  And I can never forget the pain of that loss.”  She touched me gently with the tip of her nose.  “That is not a pain I would wish upon you.  I wish I could take that pain from you, my dear daughter.”

I spent the rest of the night there, crying with the pain of a broken heart and torn soul, my mother’s soothing presence the only comfort I had in the entire world.  I didn’t ever want to go back to that hateful town with people who would never understand, people who’d contributed to all of this.  I just wanted to walk away and leave it all alone.

But I also wanted to make Mother happy.  She was the only thing left to me in this world, and I knew she wanted to see me graduate.  That should happen in a couple of days.  I could make it that far, right?  I could lock my emotions back under the shell of apathy and just get through a couple of days to make Mother happy.  I could do that much for her.

But as it turned out, I couldn’t.

It wasn’t that I didn’t try.  I did my best to go back and pretend everything was normal.  My family demanded to know where I’d been all night, and Marilyn wanted to know why I’d left school sick only to return without warning and without talking to her, before disappearing again, but I didn’t answer any of them.  I ignored my family, ignored Marilyn – to the horror of any onlooking kapras – and instead just plugged in music and listened to it, trying to drown out the sound of my pain and anger with the screams and discordant notes that echoed through my soul.

And then, on the morning of graduation, I felt a flicker of magic.  I looked down at the necklace Mother had given me years ago, before I could even walk, and I could feel the magic flicker again.

No.  No, not this.  Not now.  I’d just lost Mark.  I couldn’t lose Mother, too.  Yes, I knew she was dying and I knew every day was precious – which was why I’d been visiting her every day since Mark’s death, ignoring the need to sleep for the time being since I could go for long periods without sleeping if I wanted – but no, not now.  Please not now.  There was only so much heartbreak I could take.  And I didn’t think I could take that on top of losing Mark, too.

I forgot all about getting ready to go to school and receive the worthless piece of paper that passed for a diploma and instead found myself running, for the second time in a week, to try to reach someone before it was too late.

At least this time I got there before she died, but it was obvious when I reached her that her magic and life force were flickering out even as I got closer.

“Winter,” she breathed out in a heavy voice, straining for every breath.  “I am glad to see you.”

I felt tears falling down my face again.  “Mother, no, please – I,” I made myself stop.  Mother had tried for years to hang on for my sake.  I couldn’t force her to stop now, to hang on a bit longer, just because I felt all alone in this world and didn’t want to lose her.

So instead I told her what I needed to, what was far more important for her to know in her last moments.  “I love you,” I choked out.  “Thank you so much for being there for me all these years, even though it cost you to hang on.  I love you so, so much.”  I leaned forward to kiss her cheek, feeling my tears fall against her scales as I did.  “I love you, Mother.”

“And I love you, my dear Winter.  You were someone I never knew I was missing from my life, and my only regret was that I didn’t have you sooner so we could have spent more time together.”  She closed her eyes as she pressed the tip of her nose against my face, a bit of her cool breath touching my face like a soft kiss.  “I regret leaving you alone now.  I had thought you would have your friend with you, and you would not be alone, but I cannot undo the past as much as I might want to.  Maybe I can change the future, though.”  She opened her eyes and looked straight into mine.

“Do what you truly want, Winter.  Don’t let yourself be tied down by the expectations of your town, of the kapras, of the hydras.  Don’t let yourself be tied down by your own doubts.  I know you’ve spent far too many years crushed into a box you didn’t belong in, all to try to survive.  But that’s all you’ve done.  Survive.  It is time for you to thrive, my beloved daughter.  It is time for you to embrace who you are.  Throw away your box, Winter.  Be who you were meant to be.”

Then she looked back, surveying me with obvious pride.  “You have become all that I hoped you would be.  Despite being forced to never be yourself and to hide how you feel and what you think, you have become a strong woman with strong convictions.  You are young yet, still learning, but once you gain confidence in yourself, I know you will be capable of anything.  Even changing this town, if you want.  Or you can cut yourself free and never look back, I cannot blame you for that.  But know that I am proud of you, my daughter, of who you are now, and who I can see that you will become.”

She gave me a very dragon smile, and then, as the edges of her body became less distinct, she gave me one last smile.

“Goodbye, my Winter.  I love you.”

“Goodbye, Mother.  I love you, too,” I choked out.

And then she was gone, her eyes closing as her magic and body began to dissipate.  Her body turned into mist and water as it soaked the earth, within a few short minutes leaving behind nothing of the giant dragon that had rested there for years and years.

And I was left alone.  Truly alone.