‘Rugby widow?’ Jaq said as Sarah wove her way past several outdoor tables of the park cafe to where Jaq had snagged their favourite spot. It provided shade for her from a nearby tree, and sun for Sarah. It was the way they liked it.

‘Aaron’s at his rugby club as we speak. Apparently the boys can’t do without him, especially as he missed the week of our honeymoon.’

‘I thought rugby was a winter sport.’

‘Apparently it’s a year round thing for the amateurs. A way to get some exercise and hang out with their mates. I don’t mind. It means I can go out with my friends whenever I want as well, no discussion needed.’

‘I’m glad to hear it,’ Jaq said, and she was.

She’d worried about how much she would see her best friend from now on.

‘So what’s up?’

‘I landed up sleeping over at Simon’s place again.’

Sarah was so astonished she nearly dropped the menu she’d been snatching glances at.

‘You and he actually…’ Sarah finished the sentence with an explicit hand gesture.

‘Nope. I fell asleep at his dining room table. The last time I fell asleep anywhere like that was during our chemistry lessons.’

‘I remember that,’ Sarah said with a laugh. ‘Neither of us could keep our eyes open through those boring things. But, whatever else I could say about Simon, boring you to sleep isn’t it.’

‘It wasn’t him. I was just so knackered I was out before I knew it.’

‘And he left you there? Wait. No. That I can believe.’

‘He was also gone by the time I woke up.’

‘I see,’ Sarah said vaguely, picking up the menu again and giving it a bit more attention, although she’d probably go with her usual, now that she was no longer dieting. ‘So… do you like him?’

Jaq shrugged.

‘I honestly don’t know what’s got into me lately. I’m running around like a crazy woman, going on dates every free weekend. But I haven’t liked any of the men enough to go beyond dinner or, rarely, a one-night stand.’

‘Does that include Rob?’

‘I’m letting that fizzle out. I went on a date with him and didn’t enjoy it. He was too managing. He decided where we were going, told me what was good on the menu and then looked put out when I didn’t choose it. I tried with him, honestly, but I just feel nothing for him.’

‘Don’t push yourself on my account or do anything just because you’re feeling left behind,’ Sarah said more seriously.

The waiter turned up at that moment, giving Jaq a chance to gather her thoughts while Sarah ordered an avocado toast for herself and the same for Jaq, who was nodding her agreement.

‘I guess it all started when Ellen got married and is now onto her second kid, then all our school and uni friends and now you. Even Noel’s talking about marriage.’

‘Well, your sister’s older than you, so that’s understandable.’

‘Yeah, but Noel’s three years younger than me.’

‘But he’s been dating the same girl since school.’

‘And what about all our other friends? I’m the only remaining singleton.’

‘But what do you want from it? You wouldn’t be so obsessed if you didn’t have a reason.’

‘I guess… I want that soulmate everybody else talks about. You know, that person whose shoulder you can cry on when you’ve had a shitty day. That person who you can be comfortable with, and go on holiday with and go to parties without feeling weird. I want somebody to be close to and somebody who wants to be close to me. God, it all sounds so pathetic when I say it out loud.’

‘It isn’t all wonderful, you know. Sometimes your so-called soulmate has had his own shitty day, holes up in the garden shed, and has no interest in being your emotional support. Sometimes, being in the same house with someone can be lonelier than actually living alone.’

‘God, Sarah, are you alright?’ Jaq asked, suddenly worried for her friend.

‘It’s fine, really. I’d rather be with Aaron than without. It’s just the real issues of married couples are spoken about less than the fantasies. Being married takes work.’

‘I guess I know that better than most. I did my fair share of breaking up battling spouses when I was a beat cop.’

Jaq didn’t mention the family murders she’d seen too. She didn’t want to blacken their mood.

Sarah nodded, then waited as the waiter returned and placed their orders before them, leaving salt and pepper grinders in the middle of the table which Jaq dived for. Sarah, as usual, didn’t touch them.

‘You know,’ Sara said as she took a bite out of her toast, ‘the one advantage Simon has is that he already knows what you do.’

‘All too well.’

Jaq kept to herself her own suspicions about Simon and that his association with the police was not of the best, and that was an understatement.

‘He thinks you don’t like him.’

‘How do you know that?’

‘He told me the day after your drunken sleepover. He seemed pretty sure of your opinion. But then again, he isn’t that good at understanding people.’

‘He also told me to go home. So you’re probably right. In that case, I should just leave him alone. After all, I’ve done what I intended to do: apologise. I have no reason to see him again.’

‘And yet, here we are talking about him.’

‘Yeah.’

Jaq blinked at Sarah as if she’d pointed out something astonishing.

‘Why?’ Sarah asked.

‘Good question. I suppose… he is good looking.’

‘And’

‘As you said, he already knows what I do.’

‘And?’

‘He has a certain… competence,’ Jaq said, digging deep because now she was also wondering what drew her to Simon.

‘He is good at his job,’ Sarah said. ‘And you’ve got to admire what he’s achieved, being an orphan and all.’

‘Ah… yes.’

Jaq wished she’d asked Simon about his cover story, because she’d just realised she didn’t know it and she didn’t want to inadvertently expose him. If Sarah knew the truth… Well, she never would. It was best that way.

But really, considering his background, Simon had been amazingly successful. Kids with far less terrible backgrounds had foundered or failed at adult life.

‘So what are the cons of a potential relationship with Simon?’ Sarah asked.

His criminal past, Jaq thought. But honestly, did it matter if nobody, her colleagues included, would ever know? If they got together, a really unlikely, if, he would merely be her arty-farty, designer boyfriend.

‘He doesn’t like me.’

‘He doesn’t date. Although we all recently discovered that he isn’t gay,’ Sarah said and told Jaq about the intern with a crush. ‘You have to hand it to Simon, he’ll tell you up front. So you wouldn’t have to worry about him being unclear about what he thinks of you.’

‘That may be a con if he doesn’t like me.’

‘At least you won’t waste your time chasing after him if he’s not interested.’

‘Now I just need to work out if I am,’ Jaq said, taking a sip of tea.

‘We wouldn’t be talking about him if you weren’t.’

***

Simon was relieved to find his home empty and entirely his when he got back laden with his weekly grocery shop. He went to check his cameras as he did each day, running through all the footage. Usually, it was just him leaving for work in the morning and coming back in the evening. Today it showed Jaq wandering around.

At least she’d spotted his note. As with the last time, she’d also taken a shower. He should have put a towel out for her again too, he realised, as she appeared, wrapped in his towel, only long enough to cover what decency required but leaving a lot on view. She was holding her clothes and headed for the washing machine.

An unfamiliar quiver sent a sick sensation through his stomach as he took in the detective’s long, muscular legs. Christ, what was that? Sometimes he felt desperate for a bit of intimacy, but it always came with a dollop of nausea.

He felt like a pervert and that he should stop watching, but he didn’t. He did put it on fast forward though as he watched the detective emerge from the shower, fetch her clothes and disappear to get dressed. Then she came out again and rummaged through his desk drawers.

What the hell did she think she was doing? She took out his post-it notes and left a message of her own in the fridge. Simon watched till the end of the recording where she left the house, then hurried to the fridge. Bang in the middle of the tub of curry was a note.

Hi Simon.

You should eat this. Don’t let my money go to waste. Also, sorry about falling asleep. It wasn’t intentional. Thanks for putting up with me last night and for the blanket.

Jaq xx.

He read it a few times but couldn’t wrap his head around what it meant, especially the last bit. His limited experience at work had told him that post-it notes were never signed with a kiss, certainly not two. Not unless the woman was flirting. No matter how he looked at it, Jaq was unlikely to flirt with him.

***

The decision to put Jaq out of his mind and actually doing it turned out to be two different things. It upset Simon’s ability to concentrate on his work and his painting so much that on Monday evening Simon found himself back on Dr Nobel’s leather couch.

‘I must be quite the basket case, huh?’ he said, rubbing his hands together as he gazed at his fingers.

‘What makes you say that?’ Dr Nobel asked.

It was a familiar opening that made Simon smile despite his embarrassment.

‘I just overheard your receptionist telling somebody you don’t have an opening for the next six months, but I always get an appointment on the day I call.’

‘That’s because you’re one of my kids.’

‘What do you mean?’ Simon asked as he looked up into Dr Nobel’s reassuring, smiling face.

‘There are a handful of you who have a special place in my heart. I am very proud of how you have spread your wings and become a well-functioning member of society.’

‘Not so well functioning,’ Simon said and went back to staring at his tightly interlocked fingers.

‘Do you need a top up of your anti-anxiety meds?’

‘No… I’ve still got half the prescription.’

‘That’s good to hear. So what do you want to talk about this evening?’

Simon took a deep breath. This was the moment of truth where he had to screw up his courage and speak.

‘I… I was wondering whether… whether you thought I could have a… a relationship with a woman?’

Simon was familiar with Dr Nobel’s technique of leaving long silences for the patient to fill. It often had him babbling on. But he really had no more, so he looked back up at her. She had her head cocked to the side.

‘Do you not have a normal relationship with women? You get on fine with me, and from what you’ve told me of your colleagues, you get on well with them, too.’

Simon was regretting bringing it up. He’d just realised that Dr Nobel had assumed certain things about him that he was now exposing. It made him feel like he’d failed to live up to her expectations.