I stare at the button. 

Just press the button.

I can’t do it. Not now at least.

I look at the time. 11:30 am

Ok, I have to send it by 12. 

No longer than that. 

12 in the afternoon.  

The remaining 30 minutes fly by. 

And I still can’t do it.

I copy and paste the message into my notes app. 

I spent so much time thinking about what I was going to write that I couldn’t just delete it. 

I leave it there as a constant reminder of what I have to do. 

I know that Noah isn’t the only person I have to talk to. Amber used to be my best friend. We used to share everything together. At least we did until her family started spreading rumors about me. 

We had a small disagreement that could’ve gotten her into serious trouble, at least with her parents, and in order to avoid such confrontation she told them I was a liar. Which they believed, and in turn told all of our friends' parents. So they in turn, didn’t allow their kids to hang out with me. Which had just happened by the time I met Jo. She was the only one not affected by the rumors that were going around.

This was an obvious dumb argument that we had gotten into. Two 16 year old girls fighting wasn’t the end of the world, but for me it felt like it was. 

I knew that some of my problems with Noah and Amber had stemmed from the fact that I had unresolved issues with Amber. 

So against my better judgment, I invited Amber out for coffee. 

We are sitting in silence for what feels like an eternity.  

“So” Amber breaks the silence, “how are things going?”

“Good. Things are going well.” I respond 

The tension could get cut with a knife.

When I called her I told her that I wanted to talk. The problem is that I didn’t tell her what I wanted to talk about. So she is totally in the dark here.

“Ok. The reason why I wanted to talk is that I'm moving in a couple of months, and I don’t want to leave with unresolved issues from here. I want to leave with a completely clean slate.” I say as a lump starts forming in my throat. “We never really had a chance to talk about what happened between us all those years ago.” 

I turn to look at Amber and notice she is nodding along, pensively. 

“I didn’t know you were moving.” 

That’s all she took from that? How were we ever friends?

“Yes, I’m moving out west in a couple of months. I realize that I’m going to need to make new friends, and what happened between us makes it very difficult to get close to people. To let them get close to me. I don’t think I’ll ever find someone I fully trust enough to know anything about me.” I take a deep breath, “My reputation was ruined here. I don’t know if you noticed, but no one wanted me around. I was seen as a liar and a bad influence, just because I wanted to help you.”

Amber furrows her brows, “I am so sorry that happened to you. I genuinely didn’t know that you had gone through that.”

“I don’t want you to think that I blame you for what happened to me. Because I don’t. I blame the situation and the adults that were involved and should have acted like adults. We were only 16, we really didn’t know what we were doing.” I close my eyes and breathe out, “what I'm trying to say, is I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a jerk.” I look around to find the right words. “And I’m sorry it took me so long to come to terms with that and reach out. I shouldn’t have waited until the last possible moment to try to mend things with you. I hope you understand what it is I’m trying to say.”

“I do actually, and I truly apologize for not noticing that you were going through that. That sounds horrible.” Amber sympathizes 

“Well, to be honest, it did feel like my entire world was falling apart. I may or may not have developed a few mental illnesses because of the situation. Overall, it wasn’t a fun time.” Saying it out loud makes it that much amusing.

“I got diagnosed recently with ADHD and they told me that I tend to not notice things around me, and it’s something I’m working on.” 

“I truly am sorry. I know you’ve been going through it too, and I truly am sorry that I couldn’t be there for you.” 

“So you heard?” 

“Yea, I did. I suffered something similar.” 

Amber had suffered from heartbreak not that long ago. Except she liked someone and he seemed to like her back, and they seemed like they were going somewhere, and then came the pandemic. By the time she managed to get into contact with him again, it was too late, he was already engaged. 

“Yea, in New York, right?” Amber asks

Right. The first time Noah had broken my heart, it was really noticeable. When people asked if I was okay, I lied and told everyone it was because a guy in New York had broken my heart. Which people beleived beacuase i had just moved back from living there for a year. This was done in order to deflect people from thinking it was Noah. I didn’t want to ruin my reputation again.

I nod in agreement.

By the time we finished our conversation, we had finished our coffee. Amber needed to get back to work, since her lunch break was her only free time this week. I didn’t want to put it off the same way I was doing with Noah.

“Thank you so much for understanding.” I conclude 

 We hug it out and go our separate ways.

A few weeks went by and my relationship with Amber had gotten considerably better. We were spending time together. We were going out to get coffee and lunch. There was still a little bit of strain from both of us. It was like we were still trying to figure whether we could trust the other or not. 

We spent most of our time reminiscing about the past. The good times we had shared together, and how life used to be so easy. 

Everything was going great until we finally got around to talking about relationships and dating. Even then we were having a blast talking about how disappointing men were.  

It wasn’t until Amber brought up Noah.

“Did you know about Noah asking me out?” Amber asked amused 

“I think everyone heard about Noah asking you out.” I force a laugh 

She rolls her eyes, “everyone?!”

“Well not everyone. I’d say more like half. Maybe more than that.” I shrug my shoulders and begin to laugh, “well at least he tried. He aimed too high and missed, but at least he tried.”

“He seemed so sincere too.” Amber is shaking he head, almost like even she doesn’t believe it happened

“How’d he do it?” I ask cautiously

“Um,” she starts, “I don’t want to ruin his reputation like that.” 

“Look, I'm leaving very soon, so it’s not like I’ll tell anyone. Besides, I’m not that type of person. I think I would understand how one small detail can ruin someone’s reputation.” 

Amber looks at me for a moment, closes her eyes, and sighs deeply, “Ok, but you can’t tell anyone.”

I nod in agreement. 

“Ok, so on the Thursday before Gen’s party, Jordan, Jo, Noah, and I were out at the food truck rally. And we spot Mia.” 

“The girl that followed Noah around for a couple of months last year?” I ask in disbelief.

“Yea. So when Jordan and Jo noticed her, they turned and walked the other way. Noah asked if I wanted to follow him to a truck nearby. I agreed because I thought he wanted to get away from her. On the way to the truck I spotted a vendor selling chocolate covered strawberries, and I mentioned how much I loved them. It was more like a throwaway comment. I didn’t think much of it.”

As she is talking I try my best to keep my expression neutral. I didn’t want to give anything away. I was serious, but at the same time I wanted to seem understanding of the whole thing. 

Amber continues, “the next day I get a text from Noah asking if he could stop by my house, because he had something for me. I thought it was like something for my family, so I agreed. He shows up at my door and sends me another text asking if I can meet him outside. I didn’t know what he was going to do, so I went outside thinking it’s something big and he needed help bringing it inside.” She stops to catch her breath.

This is sounding very intense, and part of me wants her to stop talking. The other part knows I need to hear this. I need to hear it from Amber. Part of me needs to know what happened.

“And I get out there and I don’t see any of his family members with him. Not even Jo. At this point I realize that something is wrong. I get closer to him and hand me a dozen chocolate covered strawberries.” 

“Only from what you said the day before?” I ask in disbelief 

“Only on that! Also he got me a blanket and a little bear, because I once mentioned how much I like teddy bears and that sometimes I get cold at work. After he handed me everything, he pulled out his phone and started reading out of his notes. I don't remember much of what he said, but he mentioned that he had liked me for quite a while and he thought I was pretty. I also think he read me a Bible scripture. Honestly, I was in shock.”

I am also in shock. How can someone who has never seemed to notice their surroundings be so thoughtful, and for one girl. 

I bite the inside of my mouth to stop me from crying. I mustered all the courage I had to ask my next question, 

“So how did you react? Like what did you say.” 

“I told him that I was shocked. I genuinely thought he had a crush on my little sister. I mean, they were always hanging out. I just assumed Noah had a thing for her.”

“You told him this?”

“Yes, I also told him that I needed time to think about it.”

“So this all happened Friday, the night before Gen’s party?” I ask

“Yes.” Amber answers.

“So then what happened at Gen’s party?” I ask, confused.

“Well, once he left, I told my parents about it. I didn’t know what to do. I don’t like him like that. I see him like a little brother. Like someone I can joke around and gossip. I was going on a month-long trip to Europe like the day after Gen’s party, so I thought I could wait until I came back.” She shrugs her shoulders, “But, my parents told me that if I knew what I wanted, I should probably tell him before I left. So I did. Unfortunately, the timing was not the greatest.” She stares blankly at me.

“I-I don’t know what to say.” I respond

I really don’t know what to say, or act for that matter. I am genuinely baffled. This leaves me with more questions than answers.

“Well, what’s done is done, I guess.” Amber sighs and shrugs her shoulders. 

All I could think about is how much I wanted to leave. I wanted to get out from in front of Amber so I could process what I just heard. I didn’t want to cry nor was I angry. Which i was confused as to why I felt completely neutral after hearing the complete story. I know had a complete timeline of what happened that weekend, and I didn’t feel anything. 

I started to look for a way out. 

I grab my phone form my pocket and look at the time, “9:00 pm?!” I look up at Amber, “I am so sorry, but I promised my mom I would meet her at the gym at 8:30. I’m super late.” I say apologetically.

“Oh it’s fine, I also need to get back home.” she says understandingly.

We wave goodbye as we both make our way to our respective cars.