Emilia

The mood shifts and it’s like the air in the room disappears, leaving my brain scrambling to come up with a response. Even my tried and true, well-practiced words are failing me now, rendering whatever I say next to sound untruthful. “Uh, he’s still working a case. There’s been little time to talk.” If it were anyone else, I could get away with the lie, but with this group…

“Do you at least know when he’ll be back?” Hannah questions. The look of concern on her face fills me with guilt, as I realize she might be the only one buying into my story. It’s not that she’s someone who’s easily tricked, but that she genuinely trusts that I’ll be honest with her. It makes my attempt at deception feel that much worse.

“Not yet. Soon, I hope.” Pasting a reassuring smile on my face, I move my trembling hands out of sight and onto my lap.

“This is crazy, Emi. He’s been gone for what, like three years. How often do you get to talk to him?” Jen asks, her expression a mixture of confusion and worry. Questions like this coming from Mom would feel like judgment, but from Jen, it’s genuine concern.

“Not as often as I’d like, but it’s okay. His job is important and needs to come first.” I answer, my eyes cast down. I can’t bring myself to look at them, for fear they’ll see the truth behind my lies.

“Why do you do that? Why do you make excuses for people who put their selfish needs above yours?” Nic asks, her head shaking in disbelief as I meet her gaze. “It’s the second time tonight you justify the horrible way you’re being treated. People only treat you as bad as you let them, Emi, so stop making it okay for them to dismiss you like you don’t matter. If not for you, then for the sake of your girls, who need to learn that in this misogynistic world, they must demand respect. There are too many men out there who build up their egos by tearing good women down. Even more, who trap women they’re not worthy of, only to convince them they don’t deserve more than the measly scraps of affection they throw their way.”

“Jesus Nic. What’s with you tonight?” Jen steps in to defend me, as I sit back in stunned silence.

“What’s with me?” She scoffs, her head shaking in disbelief. “What’s with me is that I’m tired of watching you hurt. I love you, Emi. You’re my sister by choice, which means I’ll never be okay sitting idly by as you fade away because somewhere along the way, you’ve forgotten your worth. Whether it started with your mom, Harold, Creed, or Lucas, I don’t know, but at some point, someone convinced you that you are lesser and that your needs are secondary. So, let me clarify it for you. You are not less, and your needs are just as important as theirs.” Lowering her voice, she leans forward, meeting my gaze. “It. Is. Time. Emilia. Time to shed the weight of the people who are holding you back, so you can return to your position of power. Back into the life of the woman you’re meant to be.”

Her words slice through me, the truth hitting so hard I’m unable to stop the tears when they come. The drops collect like burning pools before spilling down my face from the corners of my eyes. My throat, swollen with emotion, holds back the sounds of utter grief I feel. The memory of the papers I’ve yet to sign invades my thoughts. The ones I shoved into that yellow folder and buried deep in the bottom of a desk drawer.

Somehow, I know they’re what she’s referring to. It’s as if a proverbial blindfold has been ripped from my eyes, leaving me with the sudden realization that she’s most likely the lawyer who helped him craft them. His last instructions to me that night come back in a flash.

“Sign the papers, then get them to Nic. She knows what to do,” were his exact words as he walked out of our home for the last time. Which makes her the literal executioner of my marriage. The person assigned to file the paperwork that would forever condemn it as a failure.

How is it I didn’t put it all together back then? Was it the bliss of ignorance that lulled me into ignoring the obvious connection?

Yet, all this time, she knew!

All these years later and she’s never once brought it up.

Why is that? Has she been judging me for not taking this irrevocable step? Has she been conspiring with Creed while I worry and grieve over his disappearance?

Her betrayal is as humiliating as it is devastating. Her deception hurts far worse than his since she’s supposed to be my friend. One of three people in this world whom I trust implicitly.

“How dare you call yourself my sister in the same breath you remind me it was you who helped him destroy our life together?” I seethe, aware that Hannah and Jen don’t know what we’re talking about. Nor do they know how deeply and utterly Nic has betrayed me.

“That is not what I did, and deep down, you must know that. He came to me because he knew that I’d take care of you, that I’d make sure you got everything you were entitled to. He knew I’d pull no punches. That YOU would be my only priority, even though HE was the client.”

“So that’s it? That’s your defense. That he cared so much that he hired you, one of my best friends, to obliterate our life together. And that you, in your infinite wisdom and love for me, was like, okay. Sure, I’ll help you so we can destroy her the right way, all the while keeping what you were doing a secret from me. Screw you, Nic!” As I go to stand to leave, her raised voice stops me in my tracks.

“If not me, it would have been someone else.” Glaring at me with the cold, hard stare she’s perfected in the courtroom, she lowers her voice and then tells me. “Someone who would have looked out for his interests. Not yours. I helped him only to help you, and as unethical as that sounds, it’s what he wanted. He wanted me to fight him, to get you everything I could. He wanted me to stick it to him because he wanted you and the girls to be taken care of.”

“I see. So he loved me so intensely that, in divorcing me, he was willing to sacrifice himself. At any point did you bother to ask him why he wanted the divorce? Did you push him to get answers that would help make sense of his decision? Or were you that jealous of my life that you made it your pleasure to destroy the little happiness I had left?” The anger and pain burning through me demand that I scorch her world down to soot and ashes like she’s done to mine.

“What the hell is going on?” Jen’s voice cuts through the tension, bringing my awareness back to the crowded nightclub.

“I can’t do this right now. I’m sorry…” I stand abruptly, spinning on my heels in a race to escape the scene that’s decimating a lifetime of friendships. Not only Nic and I but the other two girls who I’m sure are feeling just as betrayed. It all came out like a dirty little secret. One they weren’t privy to, which makes it look like Nic and I conspired to keep them on the outside. Little do they know that if it were up to me, no one would be on the inside. Not even me.

“Emi, wait!”

Though I hear Nic calling out to me, I don’t stop. Stepping through the last of the crowd, I reach the exit and dash toward the parking lot in search of my car. The street is dark now, quiet except for the sound of my heels on the pavement and the muffled sounds of the music and people inside. But then she’s there, reaching for my arm and rendering a getaway without confrontation an impossibility.

“Emilia, please wait.” She says as her hold forces me to turn and face her.

“What do you want, Nic? What could you possibly say that’s going to fix this?”

“I’m sorry, okay? Everything I said was true. I only helped him after he made it clear that his decision was final. He was leaving and there was nothing anyone could say or do to change his mind. I swear, I questioned him. Repeatedly. Through every step of the process, I tried to dissuade him from filing, but his mind was made up. For your sake and the girls, it had to be me. I swear I took no pleasure in any of it because the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you and with what he was doing, I knew hurting you was inevitable. I am so sorry.”

In the twenty-five years I’ve known Nic, I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve seen her cry. But now, standing feet from one another, I watch my typically unemotional friend fall apart. It’s then that I realize what this has cost her. She’s telling the truth. She never intended to hurt me. But as much as I know I should forgive her, at this moment, with my wounds ripped open and my world in pieces, I just don’t have it in me.

“Have you talked to him?” I ask in a defiant tone, needing to know if she’s had a hand in his disappearance. “To Creed. Have you talked to my husband?”

“No. Not since the day he left.”

The fact she hasn’t heard from him since then doesn’t offer the solace I’d hoped for. Instead, it amps up the anxiety and fear as it reaffirms the depths of trouble Creed might be in. As much as he’s hurt me, I need to know that he’s okay. I need to understand what happened to him not only because I care, but because everything that’s happened to this point makes little sense. There are too many unanswered questions.

Turning my back to Nic, I move towards my car. After opening the driver-side door, I pause for a moment before facing her once more. “I believe everything you’ve told me, but right now, I can’t bring myself to forgive the part you played. In all honesty, I don’t know when or if I ever will.”