Emilia

My sweetest Emilia,

If you’re reading this letter, it means I’ve left this world before fulfilling my last promise to you. For that, my sweet girl, I’m sorry. Leaving you before finding him wasn’t part of my plan.

Please know that I fought hard to stay for as long as I could. In the end, it must have been god’s will for things to turn out this way. I know it’s of no consolation to you right now, but I’m asking you to have a little faith. There’s a plan at work here, one whose purpose will someday be revealed. If you believe nothing else in this letter, please believe that.

I know that with me gone and Lucas missing, you’re probably feeling so very alone. That’s why I’m writing this letter to you today. So that you know my last thoughts on this earth were of you, and to make you a promise that I hope will help. It’s a heavenly vow of sorts, and one I intend to keep. So here it is Emilia. My pledge to you is that NEVER AGAIN will I leave you to walk this world alone.

From the moment my soul moves into the beyond, I vow I will be by your side. I will be there from the moment you wake, when you’re sad, and when you’re scared. I will walk with you as you achieve everything you dream of. And I’ll be there to comfort you when life doesn’t go as planned. To find me, all you have to do is look. I will be there in the birds and the trees. In the sky and in the breeze. I will be the butterfly that flutters by, and the lightning bug that lights your summer nights. I’ll be in every sunset, in every sunrise, and in every moment that lights your heart. They will all be me, sweetheart, reminding you I’m still there to lift you up and make you smile.

While I don’t know what the future holds, upon reaching the pearly gates, I will demand that someone fill me in. That way, I’ll know the exact moments you’ll need me most. So, I can be there in whatever form will bring you peace.

Unfortunately, as much as I’d love to protect you from life’s painful lessons, they are essential to your journey. So, as you enter this new phase of life without your dad, please do so with an open mind and an open heart. Walk into the hard and face the darkness when it comes, for often the only way back to the light is through.

And while in the dark sweetheart, cry if you need, for tears are the tried-and-true way to cleanse away the pain. Do your best to be brave, but know it’s okay to lean on others when you feel you can’t go on. People who will build you up and remind you just how strong you are. Most of all, remember there’s a purpose behind it all. The struggle will build you up and make you shine; brighter and brighter than the star you already are.

Lastly, my sweet Emilia, I vow I will keep my eye on him. I promise to help him find comfort in his sadness, and I’ll remain close to him to ensure he’s never alone again. Hopefully, with a lot of prayers (from you) and some heavenly magic (from me), we can get him to come home. But you know how stubborn he is, so until then pray and have faith that I’m taking care of things on my end.

Oh, and a piece of advice from a man who’s made his fair share of mistakes and had to learn the hard way. When the big dummy does return, don’t forgive him too quickly. Make him work for it, at least a little. So, he’ll be forced to make amends, since by then it should be clear that living without you is not an easy feat. Trust me on this, my darling. It’ll be hard, but if he stays and does the right things, you’ll know he’s ready, and that he’s playing for keeps.

I’m afraid this is the end of my physical journey, my girl, but I’m excited to get started on my new spiritual adventure, which I’ll undertake at your side. Thank you for the amazing opportunity of watching you grow up. Thank you for making me a father. And most of all, thank you for the unconditional love you gave me so freely. I love you so much Emilia, with all my heart, all my soul, and everything that I am. You’re the best thing I’ve ever done. The greatest miracle I ever witnessed. The most amazing being that ever graced my life. You are everything, and so much more than I ever dreamed.

Love you always and forevermore,

Dad

P.S. Close your eyes, sweetheart, then take a deep breath. When you’re ready, open them up and come find me. I’m there with you right now. You’ll see.

________________________

With a heavy sob, I clutch Daddy’s words against my heart. I was so desperate for comfort after the blow-up with Nic that when I got home, I reached for the box of mementos that connect me to him. Wiping my eyes, I start from the top and read it again. Of all the letters he wrote in his final months, this is my favorite. It was his last one and held his most precious thoughts. Even bound to a bed with his body failing, he knew exactly what I’d need to cope with his absence. His promise to always be there, that I could find him at every turn, made it so there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t felt his presence. Especially when I need his comfort the most.

Closing my eyes, I take a deep breath as his letter says, and when I open them again to search for traces of him as if on cue, the sound of the doorbell chimes around me. It makes me smile. Though the timing is likely coincidental, I’d like to think it’s Daddy letting me know he’s here. My smile is short-lived, however, when I think of who might be at the door. Given the late hour, I can only assume the unexpected guest is Jen or Nic, since neither is known for respecting boundaries. The thought of rehashing everything that happened tonight with either of them makes my stomach sour.

Setting the letter on the coffee table, I make my way to the foyer, stopping at the mirror by the front door to inspect my appearance. The carefully applied makeup I wore for girls’ night is a mess, with black lines trailing my face from mascara-laced tears. My unexpected guest rings the bell several more times, as I work to wipe away the evidence of my latest breakdown.

“Emi, I know you’re there. Open this door. I’m not leaving until we talk.”

My stomach drops at the sound of Jen’s voice coming from the other side of the door. How in the world am I going to explain this to her? Why I’ve lied and kept everything from her? That I haven’t shared what’s going on in my life is going to hurt her.

Resigned to my fate, I open the door and step aside. Not needing an invitation, she bursts through dramatically, before slamming the door shut behind her.

“What the hell’s going on, Emi?”

Unsure of where to begin, I sigh, then step around her, walking towards the kitchen. “Come on. I’ll pour us a drink.” When she takes a seat at my kitchen island, I ask her, “Did Nic send you?”

“No. She left after you did. Hannah’s at her place, making sure she’s okay. I’m here to do the same for you. Now, are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

Reaching up into the cabinet, I grab two wine glasses from the set Nic gifted Creed and me on our wedding day. The irony doesn’t escape me.

“It’s a long story. One, I don’t have the energy for tonight, but I promise I’ll share when I’m ready.” Grabbing the already-opened bottle of Cabernet from the fridge, I pour each of us a full glass. “If it helps, I’d like it if you stay with me tonight. Or at least stay long enough so I can grovel and get you to forgive me.” With an apologetic smile, I set a glass of wine in front of her.

“Fine. I’ll give you time, but you have to give me something, Emi. Let me in just a little, at least to prove that you still trust me. Because honestly, after tonight, it feels like I’m no longer your person. Which hurts. A lot.”

“You’re still my person.” I choke out through the lump in my throat. Handing her my drink, I then ask, “Would you mind taking these to the living room while I go freshen up? I’ll only be a minute.”

Needing a second to pull myself together, I take the stairs up to the master bedroom. After everything that’s happened, I need comfort. Especially for the conversation I’m about to have. Slipping out of the dress, I make quick work of changing into a pair of black leggings and a light pink sweater. Then I step into my bathroom to wash away the ruined makeup from my face.

I can do this, I remind myself. It’s Jen. My adoptive sister, and best friend. She loves me and will understand that I’m not ready to explain everything right now. At least that’s what I hope.

Now cleaned up, I look over my reflection in the mirror. The sadness and exhaustion still linger as dark circles under my red-rimmed eyes, but there’s not much I can do about it now.

When I walk back into the living room, the sight of Jen reading my father’s letter stops me in my tracks. Instantly, I want to snatch it from her. The jealousy that she’s reading words that were meant for me rides me hard. But when she looks up at me with a smile and tears in her eyes, it’s then I remember how much my father meant to her, too.

“He wrote about Lucas? About watching over him?” She shakes her head with a look of wonder, as if she’s having trouble believing what she’s read. But then her smile grows wide just as a sob bursts from her chest.

“He loved him. Just as he loved you.” I tell her, taking the seat next to her so I can hold her hand.

“I know he did,” she sighs, her head coming to rest on my shoulder. “He wrote letters for me too, but in mine, he barely mentioned Lucas. Only to say that he knew someday he’d come back for me. He reassured me that Lucas would never abandon me. That it was the pain of losing our parents that proved to be too much for him. He told me to have faith that we’d be reunited someday.”

“That was my dad. Faith got him through everything.”

“Do you still think of him? Of Lucas?”

I take a second, not because I don’t know the answer to her question, but to tamp down the emotion that comes over me whenever Lucas comes to mind. “Yeah. I do,” I tell her, attempting to sound unaffected. Truth is, in the almost 15 years he’s been gone, not a day has gone by that I haven’t thought of him.

“You always did like him better than me.” She chuckles, her affection for both her brother and me coming through in her playful tone.

“Not better, just different. He got me, you know? Without having to say a word, he knew what was going on inside my head. He was a lot like my dad in that way. I think that’s why we were so close.”

“I remember,” she responds quietly, before a comfortable silence falls between us. “Emi. Whatever is going on with you, I hope you know you can trust me. Whatever you need, I’ll always be here.” She reminds me, a hint of sadness seeping through in her words.

“I know. Honestly, I haven’t said anything because I’m not ready. Nic only knows Creed’s side of what happened, and only up to when he left three years ago. A lot has happened since then. Things I’m not at liberty to discuss because of his job, but I will, Jen. I promise. When I’m able to, you’ll be the first person I call.”

She nods her head silently, but then sits up and shifts her legs underneath her so she’s facing me on the couch. Her demeanor changes before my eyes as a nervous energy vibrates through her.

“I was going to wait, but after the crappy night we had, I think we’re due a little happiness. I have news!”

“What?” I ask, her sudden mood swing making me chuckle.

“EEK! Okay. Gosh…” she laughs and bounces in her seat. “I swear, I’ve imagined this moment for years, but now that it’s here, I don’t know how to say it.”

“Just spit it out. Whatever it is, rip the Band-Aid.”

“I’m pregnant!” She blurts, leaving me stunned for a breath before I wrap her up in a hug. Squeals of utter joy rip out from both of us and by the time we pull apart, happy tears stream down both our faces.

“But wait. Tonight. You were drinking.”

“Nope, apple juice, courtesy of Nic’s bartending love interest.”

I am beyond ecstatic for her and Ben. For seven years, I’ve watched their heartbreaking journey through infertility. After rounds and rounds of tests, procedures, and disappointments, news of this baby couldn’t come at a better time.

“I’m so happy for you. Now tell me everything. How did Ben take it? He must be over the moon!”

“God yes! In the two weeks since we found out, he’s bought the baby every Philadelphia sports team jersey he could get his hands on. You know how I feel about sports. He’s driving me crazy.”

Through glassy eyes, we both laugh. Jen has an aversion to any activity that makes you sweat, while her husband is a die-hard sports fan all year long.

“How far along are you? When will we get to meet the little guy or gal?”

“As of this past Tuesday, I was 6 weeks. My due date is December 29th, so maybe we’ll have a New Year’s baby.”

“What an amazing start to the new year.”

“I know. It’s a little early to celebrate…” she shrugs, “but we saw the heartbeat and the doctor said everything looks good. For now, you’re the only one who knows. Everyone else can wait until we reach the 12-week mark.” She explains as she wipes away the moisture from her eyes.

“I’m so excited for you,” I tell her.

“Me too. I only wish…” Her face grows somber as she looks over to the coffee table where my father’s letter sits. 

“Your parents,” I assume. “I’m sorry Jen. I’m sure they’re up there right now, celebrating the news alongside my dad.”

“I’m sure, but it’s not just them.” When her eyes meet mine, they’re filled with so much pain. “I wish Lucas were here to experience this with me.” At the feel of my emotions welling up, I drop my gaze. “Everything’s going to be okay, right?” She asks nervously as she takes my hands in hers.

“With Dad watching over us, there’s not a doubt in my mind,” I respond with certainty, mostly to reassure myself. “As Dad said, we just have to wait and have a little faith.”

“What about Nic? Emi, whatever she did, I don’t think she meant to hurt you.”

“I know. I just need a little time.”

From the divorce papers to Creed’s disappearance, and now Nic’s involvement. To say I’m overwhelmed by the number of things that need processing is an understatement. Standing, I grab my empty wineglass and her still full one and head back towards the kitchen.

“You should have told me you couldn’t drink. I would have gotten you water instead.”

“I was more concerned with making sure you were okay,” she sighs. “You are okay, right?”

Rinsing the wine glasses, I let her question sink in. For a second, I consider spewing the same half-truths I’ve perfected over the past three years, but after tonight, the least I owe her is this bit of truth.

“I’m not okay.” I dry my hands on the dishtowel, then toss it back on the counter before turning to face her. “But I will be.”

Stepping towards me, she wraps me up in a hug and then says, “No matter what, I’m here. All you have to do is ask.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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