So, ever discovered something that recontextualizes everything about you?

Now, I've never been formally diagnosed for any of my neurodivergent discoveries. My ADHD was peer-reviewed by the Council (how dare they recruit me) (the council was just a single autistic friend) and the dyscalculia was something I came across randomly prior to my ADHD discovery and I just happened to identify with. Math wasn't prioritized as intensely by my teachers for me to fully understand and they frankly were terrible at explaining it for me to get a better grasp on it. I survived. I graduated. I even got honours.

But recently I discovered something else about me. I thought because I read and write every day, respond to text messages, and even work at a bookstore that I never have issues with languages. At least, not in my adulthood. I even still know conversational French and American Sign Language.

You see, algorithms are terrifying. It knows when you're paying attention and paying attention too closely. It doesn't help that I'm currently writing a story offline that involves a dyslexic main character that amidst my research I find myself identifying with the symptoms more and more.

The final straw was the fact that a video on 3D thinking came onto my feed and I realized that 3D thinking is supposed to be hard. Now, if you're a naturally gifted 3D thinker it doesn't mean you have dyslexia but it's a common enough overlap that it made me think.

Then I began to think. And of course, I went through my whole childhood. I had difficulty reading, I thought it was ADHD in all honesty. I was given accommodations to practice my reading and writing for a couple of years and I thought it was a combination of ADHD and the fact that I came from an English as a Second Language household. I thought maybe, just maybe, because of how white my environment was, my school was just being racist. I mean these are still valid factors but there's a secret third thing now.

Now I know I have dyslexia. I think if I had continued issues, I would've been suggested to be diagnosed but I didn't. They eventually deemed me well-versed enough not to continue with the writing practice (yeah my handwriting is still awful, dysgraphia and dyslexia go hand in hand so if I got one I got another and the amount of times I mess up writing down names at work is very annoying) and I eventually went through school just surviving. Passing. Being smart enough to figure things out and I even love reading. I love writing. I have written many novels now.

But now, there's an explanation for insecurity about making simple typos, why I can't get myself to write on certain days. Why reading books that use complex prose is extremely hard for me to process. Why my brain lags with words sometimes. Why I can't fingerspell too well when I practice ASL.

And why I'm taking so long on this hiatus. My brain really said I gotta catch 'em all with the common learning disabilities that pair with ADHD. Math, writing, reading. I'm very sure I don't have dyspraxia. It's really hard for me to write at the moment. It's not the sole reason since life has been hectic but like the little time I do have I'm trying to do something else. Try and write a middle-grade novel and see what to do with it once I'm finished and also make silly social media posts on Instagram. Not to mention work and how draining it has been lately due to the sheer number of events I help with and other projects I'm involving myself with. In the month of November, I'm also attending multiple events for booksellers as well as WritersConnX's convention in celebration of the launch of the anthology to the public.

So, I'm alive. I'm overwhelmed. But I'm alive.

I have been writing my online stories too at least. They just aren't at the speed I typically write when I am very much full of energy to create. I'd rather come back with a full arsenal instead of not giving myself a schedule and then eventually giving up due to the lack of structure or coming back ill-prepared and panicking each week about getting a new chapter out.

Anyways, with this realization does that make me most likely a demigod in the Percy Jackson universe? The series got me into reading and writing, but maybe it's a sign that I should be part of the universe. /j

Anyways, I hope everyone is doing well. Eating, drinking water, taking your medications.

I don't when I'll be back with updates but I'm hoping by January I'll be re-energized after the chaotic rush of the retail sales dies down.

I'll see you all next time~

- Joy