Lucas

“Embree…?” Her name on my lips is like a balm to my soul. My mouth parts in an attempt to communicate, but the only things that come to mind are painful memories from our past. Our last night together. The way she saved my life back in that hole. How over the years her words have pulled me back from the brink of death, time and time again.

Fuck, is this all in my head? This can’t be real. She can’t be…

“Oh god. It is you.” Eyes wide, and with a hand over her mouth, she shakes her head ever so slightly. When she takes a step towards me, a hand out as if needing to touch me, the deep rumbling of Nero’s growl vibrates up the leach snapping me into action.

“Nero, af,” I command while giving him the down signal. Immediately he obeys and lays at my feet, his tense posture relaxing in an instant. Now disarmed, he eyes our guest with nervous energy, looking from her to me and back again in anticipation that I’ll release him from the command so he can go say hello. Just like that, he went from combat assault dog to pet. It amazes me how easy it is for him to let the tension go. If only it were that easy for me.

Focusing my attention back on her, I nod. “Hi…” it’s the only word I can muster before emotion closes in around my throat.

“I-I thought that was you.” She gives me what I can only describe as a sad smile. Her eyes are glossy and filled with emotion as she searches my face. I can only imagine what she thinks of what she sees. This broken shell of a man completely changed and the opposite of the boy she used to know. The boy who betrayed her trust and took from her before abandoning her. The shame that slams into me is overwhelming. The pained look in her eyes and the beauty that is all her only magnify the extent of my failures. Everything compounds in my head, as does the hatred for who I am and what I’ve done. I’m not worthy of her. I’ve always known it. And yet… why can’t I bring myself to end this standoff and walk away?

Before I know what’s happening, she launches herself into my arms. My hands instinctually wrap around her as she collapses against me. And then I feel it. An overwhelming sense of relief. The peace I’ve always known is missing. Memories of my time in the hole come back to me in an instant, attempting to convince my subconscious that she isn’t really here. But my confusion is short-lived. Thanks to the warmth that presses against me, the feel of her body shaking amidst quiet sobs. With her face buried in the crook of my neck, I feel the wetness of her tears as they catch on my shirt. The brush of her warm breath on my skin elicits goosebumps that spread over my body.

When she pulls back to look at me, the trust and adoration I see in her eyes steals my breath. This is the look that kept me alive all those weeks stuck in that damn hole. It’s the look that latched onto my soul and refused to let me give up. In all the years I’ve been alive, no one has ever looked at me the way she does. Like I’m the most powerful man that has ever lived. Like I’m someone capable of just about anything. Someone she trusts to go to the ends of the universe for her. Unfortunately, as much as I wish that were true, it’s all a lie. Time and time again, I’ve proven as much.

“I can’t believe you’re here.” She gives me a sad smile, while one of her hands comes up to caress the side of my face. The intimate contact is foreign, yet so welcomed that I lean into her touch. My eyes close of their own accord as emotion burns behind them. Her touch. The feel of her skin against my face pulls at the memories of the imaginary life I created for us. The delusions that pushed me to fight through the pain and granted me the will to survive. Having her here in the flesh, so close that I can breathe her in and feel the warmth of her skin, brings it all back.

I fell in love with her all over again in that miserable place. And when I survived, I grieved for our love, for that life that never was and would never be. The intense feelings catch me off guard, and a muffled sob breaks through my lips. Embarrassed by my outburst, I reach for her hand to gently pull it away. Free of her touch, I take a few breaths, trying to regain my composure. With my eyes still burning with unshed moisture, I can’t bring myself to look at her.

Christ! I never should have come back here.

Knowing I have to say something, I go with the first thing that comes to mind. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

It’s all I have. A blanket apology for leaving her all those years ago. For still wanting her all these years later. For not being good enough for her. For using the memory of our time together to save myself over and over again, even though I don’t deserve it. Maybe even for crying like a fucking baby when I’m the one who did this to her. To us. 

Through tears, she gives me a sad smile, but then I lose her eyes as Nero places himself between us. His body dances in front of her as he waits for her to pet him.

“Uh, this is Nero. My dog,” I tell her, my voice still thick with emotion.

I’m captivated by the sound of her laughter when she squats down to greet him, and he takes the opportunity to lick her face. God, I’d forgotten that amazing sound. How I wish I could bottle it up to replay it on nights when the demons in my head won’t shut the hell up.

“Well, hi there, Nero. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Coming back to a stand, she continues to pet him, though her attention returns to me. “He’s beautiful. A German Shepherd?”

“Um… no, Belgian Malinois. They’re similar, but have shorter coats, and are leaner than Shepherds.”

Silence falls between us once more, our eyes locked on one another as though neither of us can help it. I can’t explain it, but after so many years of relying only on memories, I can’t take my eyes off her. She’s so damn beautiful, even more so than I had imagined. My hands ache to reach out and touch her beautiful skin, to run my fingers through those dark wavy strands, and hold her in my arms just like I did back in those dreams. But I’m so fucking scared. Terrified if I do, like in the dreams, she’ll fade to black and disappear.

“Are you back? To visit or stay, I mean.” She asks sheepishly, before turning away and reaching into her purse.

When I see that it’s her phone she’s reaching for, I gently grab hold of her wrist and beg, “Please don’t. No one can know I’m here. I…” Ashamed of my words, I look away from her questioning stare. “Uh, I’m here on business.”

“Oh. Oh! Of course. Where are you staying?”

I hesitate, running all possible answers through my head before settling on the truth.

“At the Old Mill Inn. It’s only two nights. I have a meeting in town first thing Monday, and then I have to get back.”

“Back?” she questions. Confusion and hurt are interlaced in her expression.

“Back to base. I’m on leave.” The blatant lie leaves a bitter taste, but it’s what’s best. In this case, lying to her about why I can’t stay is better than telling her the truth.

“Oh.” Her head lowers, breaking the spell between us.

Still frozen, I watch as she wraps her arms around her body, disappointment evident in her movements. I can tell this isn’t the news she wanted to hear.

Unable to stop myself, I reach a shaky hand to her chin, lifting her gaze back to mine. The instant our eyes connect, euphoria like I haven’t felt in years flutters in my chest. The want, the deep need to pull her into my arms. It’s overwhelming. Her presence is like pure adrenaline, bringing parts of me I’d long thought were dead back to life.

I’m captivated.

I watch as my thumb traces the line under her gorgeous lower lip. Plump and pink, it tempts me. But then I see it. A lone tear trailing down from the corner of her eye. It guts me. Reminding me I’m a piece of shit for hurting her. For forgetting the damage and pain I left behind in my wake. Instead, here I am distracted by lust, putting my own needs before hers yet again. She deserves so much better than an asshole like me.

“I’m here for two days, Emb. What can I do to make this right?” My voice wavers as an internal battle rages within me. My common sense demands I put an end to this, that I get in my truck and get the hell out of this town. But it’s the 17-year-old boy who’s never forgiven himself for leaving her, who wins out. I can’t do this to her again. I won’t make that mistake a second time.

Her eyes scan between my own, before she asks, “Make what right?”

“This.” With my thumb, I brush away another stray tear.

She takes a few seconds before she answers. “Can you make time for me? So we can sit and talk?”

“Yes,” I answer immediately, not taking the time to consider the ramifications. Surprised by my answer, I remove my hands from her face and take a step back while praying to God she doesn’t notice my sudden discomfort. Thankfully, she looks away and reaches back into her handbag for her phone.

“Here, let me call you so you have my number. Then we can figure out a time that works.”

Hopeful eyes look at me once more, warm relief flooding my system with each second that her sadness fades. Even so, I hesitate. Giving her my number opens a door that for years, I fought hard to keep closed. But in the end, I relent. My need to fix the damage I’ve caused wins out over my fear.

I watch as she dials my number, and then I hear the ringing of my phone when the call connects. That’s when she rewards me with her smile. The happy one she’d give me whenever I played a song for her. Or on those amazing summer nights when we chased each other in the moonlight and swam together in the lake. Her smile is like sunshine. Its brightness is more precious than gold. The feeling of it is everything that I remember, and I’m spellbound. Completely awe-struck.

“There. Now we can talk…” Her voice trails off, as her arms come around me once more.

This time, the feeling of her body against mine brings the reality of our situation to the forefront of my mind. Waves of panic slam into me as the pressure of a looming panic attack builds. Needing the space, I pull away from her, my hands resting on her arms as I try to create distance.

“Embree… please don’t tell anyone. I’m not sure if I’ll have time to see them.” Saying it out loud makes me feel like shit, so like a coward, I avert my gaze toward Nero who’s patiently watching our awkward exchange.

“I understand. Can I text you in about an hour to confirm a time that works?”

“Sure.” Unable to resist, I lean in and kiss the top of her head. Her scent invades my senses, sparking even more memories. She smells of summer, coconut, and something sweet. The familiar fragrance takes me back to all those summer nights spent lounging by the lake, catching fireflies and being carefree. And just like that, the panic in my veins disappears. It’s like she’s my cure. The remedy for my misery. Which reminds me of all the reasons I shouldn’t be here.

Pulling away, I give her a gentle smile and then tell her. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

Then, with a small tug on the leash, Nero and I step aside and walk back to the truck. With every step that I take, there’s this pull that makes me want to turn back. Tugging and demanding, it yanks at my damn heart, growing stronger and stronger until tears once again prick at my eyes. Still, I keep walking. Choosing instead to lean into the pain since suffering is exactly what I deserve.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Want to read ahead? FOLLOW ME on REAM and get the NEXT 2 CHAPTERS FREE. To access see my profile.

Please remember to like, comment, & review. For updates on this and future stories, remember to follow me.

NEW CHAPTERS post at 7:00 PM EST on Tuesdays & Fridays!!!