It was only December 1st, and already Mikhail felt that things were progressing smoothly.
At this rate, he was definitely going to return to the world!
Even as he worked long into the night skimming Shen Dan’s grossly excessive daily routine, he couldn’t wipe the smile off his face. In addition to successfully crossing off the first box on his bingo sheet, there was one other silver lining about his situation:
The third-rate actor scum did not recognize him!
It was understandable that Shen Dan did not connect that Mikhail was the same person who had “rescued” him on the Steel Bridge. During that incident, the two hadn’t met face to face, and not everyone had the ability to remember voices. Given the fact that Mikhail had awkwardly proclaimed to the heavens that he would not “spread his legs” for Shen Dan, this was definitely for the best.
In the morning, he scrambled to make breakfast for Shen Dan. Having never cooked for himself a day in his life, this was truly a struggle. The result:
(1) piece of toast charred on the stove
(2) slices of bacon annihilated to blackened crisps
(1) rock-solid fried egg
(1) side of smashed-up apple
To Mikhail’s dismay, after giving the rock-solid fried egg in particular a venomous stink eye, Shen Dan stalked off silently with his nose turned up.
That day, Mikhail learned that the oft-talked-about secret cooking ingredient “love,” which had naturally been omitted, was, in fact, crucial. Said specially prepared breakfast tasted about as bad as it looked.
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At 7:00 on the dot, Manager Wei came to pick them up in the black van.
They drove back to the Steel Bridge. For the next few hours, they filmed a few more emotional scenes in which Shen Dan’s character, Mr. Borge Gailey, made a heartfelt plea for someone named Blarence to bring him back to his dimension.
“Oh, Blarence! Get me back! I don’t care what happens to me, get me back to my wife and kids!”
Mikhail, swaddled in his puffy red jacket, watched Shen Dan’s performance from afar. He was not familiar with the plot of this old-as-dirt movie, nor did he have a wife and kids of his own. However, due to his predicament, this plea really did strike a chord.
With reddened eyes, Mikhail laced his fingers together and thought to himself, Oh, Gabriel! Get me back! I don't care what happens to me, get me back to my car and penthouse apartment suite!
His internal babbling was interrupted by a robotic voice:
【CUSTOM REMINDER TO DELIVER (large black coffee, no room—hold on, does that mean drip or Americano, fuck, fuck, fuck) TO PAIRED HUMAN (Shen Dan) BY 13:00】
Checking his phone, Mikhail realized he had only ten minutes. He sprinted over to the nearest Starbjörks. Unable to parse out whether to order a drip or an Americano, he settled for both and sprinted back.
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At 13:02, Mikhail delivered one large drip coffee and one large Americano into Shen Dan’s hands.
Shen Dan checked his watch. Frowning, he said, “You’re late.”
Would you have noticed if you hadn’t checked your damn watch just now?!
The next day at 12:58, Mikhail delivered one large drip coffee and one large Americano into Shen Dan’s hands.
Shen Dan checked his watch. Frowning, he said, “You’re early.”
Has anyone on the planet actually ever gotten in trouble for coming to work early?!
The day after that at 13:00:14, Mikhail delivered one large drip coffee and one large Americano into Shen Dan’s hands.
Shen Dan checked his watch. He took a sip of each, then said, “okay,” and walked off.
Mikhail: “…”
Grinding his teeth like a hamster, Mikhail thought, “Okay?!” That’s all? You won’t even praise me? Every day you take two coffees, next time I’ll deliver them both directly into your face!
Third. Rate. Actor. Scum.
Suddenly, Shen Dan walked back over to Mikhail. While checking his nails—what is there to check, your nails are perfect as usual—he added, “Every day, you bring me two coffees. It makes me curious. Do you perhaps want to give me a bladder disorder?”
Mikhail: “…”
Then, Shen Dan smiled. The smile seemed to radiate a peculiar kind of joy. It reminded Mikhail of a wolf bearing its teeth, causing him to shiver all over.
Shen Dan leaned into Mikhail’s ear and enunciated carefully, “You said it yourself, my life is important. Rather than ‘spreading your legs’ for me so eagerly, I suggest you think more critically about how to treasure me.”
Just like that, Mikhail’s precious silver lining evaporated, gone like the wind…
His face turning green, he screamed in his heart, This fucker! He recognized me!
₊˚。⋆❆⋆。˚₊
A week passed. After one small success, Mikhail had made zero progress with the bingo sheet.
His sights were currently set on the central row. Already he had knocked out the “FREE” space and “drink hot cocoa,” which meant that there were only three remaining. “Random act of kindness” and “propose marriage” could be done on a whim. Compared to securing an actual acceptance, a simple proposal was nothing.
The only trouble was getting that incurably stylish actor to wear an ugly sweater.
Already Mikhail had purchased a sumptuous Olenciavi cashmere sweater. It was a classic specimen, green and red, and was decorated with hedgehogs. As for it being “ugly,” that was a matter of subjectivity.
He experimentally tried laying it out with the rest of Shen Dan’s morning outfit, only to find it balled-up in the trash. He then tried laying it out with Shen Dan’s evening pajamas, only to find it balled-up again in the trash. It was plainly obvious that Shen Dan was not taking the bait.
He would have to use his noodle to solve this problem.
₊˚。⋆❆⋆。˚₊
On the night of December 9th, Mikhail was washing Shen Dan’s hair in the bath. The master bathroom was suffused with heavy steam and the scent of ambiguously-clean-smelling shampoo. As Mikhail massaged Shen Dan’s scalp, sudsing up his dark hair into a mound of bubbles, he watched the man’s shoulders slowly relax. Outside, Shen Dan was completely unwilling to be touched by even his own manager, so why did Mikhail have to be the one to service him like this?!
Servicing? Wait, something about that wording seems not correct—
Shen Dan was too relaxed to notice the frazzled aura emanating from the person behind him. Without bothering to turn around, he asked:
“What is your name?”
Mikhail: “…”
Come to think of it, since the start of Mikhail’s stint working for Shen Dan at the beginning of the month, it was true that Shen Dan only ever snapped his fingers at him and said “hey, you.” Even a house pet referred to in the third-person got a name, but Mikhail only ever heard Shen Dan call him in conversation “him, you know.”
After Mikhail answered, Shen Dan nodded thoughtfully. Shen Dan then asked, “Will you be getting a haircut soon?”
Mikhail nearly coughed up blood.
What kind of shit attempt at conversation is this?! If you think my hair looks bad, just say it to my face!
Mikhail rinsed out Shen Dan’s hair, deliberately getting bubbles in the man’s eyes. He then hopped to his feet, said “well, I’m heading to bed now, bye,” and disappeared on oiled soles.
Shen Dan watched him decamp. His face was unmoving as stone, betraying no emotion. Silently, he reached out for the towel hanging on the nearby rack—
Only to find nothing but a Christmas sweater.
Shen Dan: “…”
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In the hallway, Mikhail cackled and rubbed his hands together like a gremlin. According to the bingo sheet, it merely stated that Shen Dan should “wear” the ugly sweater. It didn’t say in what manner. In lieu of a towel, if Shen Dan wrapped it around his waist even for just half a minute, surely that would count.
The bathroom door opened behind him. Mikhail instinctively turned around.
For no reason at all, completely unrelated to the event at hand, the following factoids popped into Mikhail’s head: The elephant is the largest existing animal on land! An elephant can grow up to thirteen feet! The most distinctive feature of the elephant is its powerful trunk, which can weigh nearly three hundred pounds!
Mikhail shielded his eyes and shrieked, “C-c-cover yourself, will you?!”
Too late. Mikhail’s Mikhail Jr. had already seen an interesting sight beyond its wildest imagination. A voice between his legs seemed to say, Hey, boss, can I see it one more time—
Without batting an eye, Shen Dan continued wiping water droplets off his naked body with the hedgehog sweater. Perhaps it was just a trick of the light, but the hedgehogs seemed to grow a shade pinker in hue as they rubbed against his skin. Sighing, Shen Dan then threw the sweater over his shoulder like a model posing for an extremely unsafe-for-work photoshoot and walked away.
It turned out, the bingo sheet was indeed lax on the interpretation of the word “wear.” This over-the-shoulder style was deemed perfectly acceptable.
【DING! DING! TARGET GOAL 3/5 COMPLETE - THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION】
In Mikhail’s jacket pocket, the square for “wear ugly sweater” magically checked itself off. But Mikhail was too busy slamming his bedroom door and frantically tunneling a hole into his bedsheets to notice.
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