Before the talk, at the rooftop

I nervously stood on the rooftop, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach. Why was I so nervous? No one else would come here, so we wouldn't be interrupted. Or was it the fact that I was seeing her again, one on one, after all this time? Especially after what I did to her? 

I know that what I did was unforgivable. And I regret my decision everyday with every fiber of my being. 

I checked my watch again, for the 3rd time. It was only 2:32.

I thought back to my only other true friend, the one that was taken away from me.

Madeline.

My parents had introduced me to her when I was way younger, when I was 3, and we became friends instantly. We were close, closer than siblings. She'd been my everything, and had meant the world to me. So I suppose you can guess how I felt when she was taken away from me.

I'd been way too young to understand, but I do now.

It turns out Madeline's dad got into a heated argument with my dad at work about something stupid, to the point that he fired him, and forced them to move away.

I didn't even get the chance to say goodbye.

It was such a petty reason to destroy our friendship, even more so since Madeline wasn't even the one who did it.

But that had been out of my control, I'd been a victim, not the one who did it.

That's why I still hate myself for doing what I did to Alexsis. 

She didn't deserve it. 

I knew firsthand how it feels, yet I went ahead and inflicted the same pain to another person willingly.

I only have myself to blame for this.

I checked my watch again, it was now 2:34.

Why did time move so slowly when you needed it to be fast?

Then, I heard light footsteps going up the stairs, and knew immediately that it was her.

Alexsis.

I couldn't bear the thought of seeing her one on one, face to face after everything, so I turned my back to the door, heart thumping loudly in my ears. The door gently creaked, the way it always did when it was opened. 

I recomposed myself, then used my flattest voice, utterly emotionless, to say, "So you came,"

I heard her soft footsteps as she walked closer, not daring to turn around and face her.

Because, I'll admit it, I was a coward.

She sucked in a breath, then said, "I did. So what was it that you wanted to talk about?"

Hearing her talk made me realize how much I missed her husky yet smooth like honey voice. Hearing her voice always made me feel relaxed and safe, knowing that I was with her. But that was from long ago, an era that we can never return to. It also wasn't the time for reminiscing, I had to do what I made her come here to.

"You haven't told anyone about our past, have you?" I already knew the answer, but of course I still had to ask.

"No, I haven't," She sounded so sad that it almost broke my heart all over again.

"Good. Make sure that things stay that way, or I'll have no problem making the rumor reality."

Why did I feel even worse when a burden had been lifted off my shoulders? I should feel better now, without the fear of her exposing us. Damn these hormones.

"I know you don't, without a doubt. If this is all you called me up here for, then I'll get going now," She sounded annoyed, since she obviously knew that already. 

I suppose I would be annoyed too if it were me. But I didn't want her to go. Not when I haven't seen her or talked to her in such a long time.

In my moment of desperation and longing, I called out,

"Wait!-"

I am so screwed.

I had no idea what to say. All I could hear was the thumping sound my heart was making.

I could tell that she didn't leave though, and was waiting to hear what I had to say.

So I stupidly blurted out the question that I'd want to ask her all along.

"Did you ever regret being friends with me?"

There, now I'd done it.

She was obviously confused why I would ask her that when I'd been the one to destroy our friendship in the first place.

The wind got a lot stronger, as if it agreed with Alexsis.

I braced myself for the vitriol that I could receive.

She'd probably tell me about how much she regretted it, that she wished that she'd never met me.

Or worse, she might just leave.

Knowing that she couldn't see me, I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting for her response.

But never in a million years could I have guessed what she was about to say.

She half whispered, "No.. I never did... I enjoyed being friends with you, at least while it lasted..."

I stiffened noticeably, yet didn't even care at this point. My eyes fluttered open, blinking in disbelief and shock.

Did she really mean that?

"You didn't? Even after everything?" I turned around, feeling melancholic.

This was very uncharacteristic of me, to show so much emotion, but I couldn't help it.

Did I still have a chance to fix our relationship?

"No..." Alexsis looked the same as she did in band, yet it's been a long time since I saw her up close. She was still as handsome as always, with her crooked tie, and that melancholic look in her eyes, along with her hands in her pockets.

I said softly, "You mean it?" 

If I had one wish, I would wish that things were the same as before.

But unfortunately, that wasn't possible anymore, and we both knew it.

"Yes... But why are you asking me this? Why did you even ditch me?" She sounded angry yet mostly sad.

I understood. I would feel the same way if I were her.

But I couldn't really answer her questions.

"I... I'm not sure." 

That was the best I could come up with.

I turned around, not being able to bear seeing the expression on her face any longer.

A look of pure sadness, betrayal, and longing.

I could tell that she was unsatisfied with such an answer because she didn't say anything for a long time.

Actually, I'm not even sure if she heard me, with the wind being all crazy.

There was a long pause between us, as my inner feelings battled each other.

As the wind finally died down a bit, I heard her gently sigh, then say, "I'm going to go now."

Even though my heart ached at the thought of her leaving again, I made no move to stop her.

I listened wistfully to the sound of her footsteps, as she walked away from me.

I heard her pause at the door for a few seconds, before opening it and slowly leaving.

I felt as though I'd betrayed her all over again.

I almost wished that she really did just leave instead of giving me hope that we might be able to be friends again.

Talking with her did way more harm than what I originally intended.

Feelings that I thought I'd gotten over submerged once again.

I couldn't quite tell what this feeling was.

But I missed her, so much.

I regret everything, in words that I can't even express.

Yet I couldn't tell her.

Even though it's only me holding myself back.