I open my phone and frantically look for Billie’s contact name. I press the call button and wait for her to pick up the phone. 

Why is she taking so long? ANSWER

“Hey, what's up?” I hear Billie’s voice from the other side of the line.

“Ok so you know how I’ve been hanging out with Amber lately?” I answer as fast as she stops talking, “well, she told me her side of the story and I don’t know how to feel.”

Silence.

“Are you ok?”  

“Yea. I'm surprised at how calm I am. I think I’m fine, considering the circumstances.” I reply, “I’m surprised I didn’t burst out into tears, but the fact that I’m keeping it together should be a sign I’m moving on. I will say though, I am a bit sad.” I’m confused by last sentence

“”Why are you sad?” Billie also sounds confused 

“I don’t know. It’s because it just made me realize that he never really liked me, and he never will.” I stop to take a deep breath, “the things he did for her to ask her out. Also I have a better understanding of what happened that weekend. And I kinda hate myself for thinking he could ever like me.” 

Billie takes a long pause. I can hear her thinking about what to tell me. 

“No, no. Tell me I sound ridiculous” I say to fill the silence

“It’s okay Logan. You shouldn’t hate yourself for that. Sometimes we put people we love on a high pedestal and when they don’t act or say what we expect them to, it hurts us. I think that’s what happened in this situation and you Don’t have All the fault in that. You’re a good person Logan. There’s definitely a guy out there for you but I think until you meet that guy… you should focus on yourself. Get to know yourself better, what you want, what you need and your dislikes. Know that you deserve the best and vice versa. You don’t sound ridiculous. At least you’re taking the right steps to move along. I’m proud of you for that.”

I swear sometimes my friends sound condescending. 

“Thanks. So you’re saying I have Some fault.” I respond jokingly 

“No. Logan. That’s not what I meant” Billie sounds annoyed

“No, I know.” 

“Sometimes we want things and we’ll do everything possible to get it. Our hearts are deceitful. When we don’t get it, we get hurt.”

“I was kidding. The funny thing is,” I start to laugh, “I know for a fact I didn’t love him.” 

Billie also starts to laugh, “What am I gonna do with you?” I can hear the frustration in her voice, “Look, I really am happy that you're able to get closure on this. Even if it’s not what one would like to hear.” 

“What? I didn’t. I’ve never loved anyone. That’s how I know. I am working on myself.” 

“Got it. And that’s good that you are working on yourself, that’s all that matters. Don’t let anyone get in the way of your goals and your improvement.” 

“Why do I feel like you don’t believe me?”

“Wait. you don’t even love me?” Billie asks 

“Okay. fine. I love you.” I respond

“Aww I love you too. This is what I call improvement.” 

“What I mean is the other kind of love, and you know it. The one where you feel like you can’t live without the other person.” 

“Are you referring to this love to the ‘never having loved someone?’” She asks

“Yes. I think I would know. I didn’t love Noah. I liked him. I liked him a lot.” I repeat myself to convince Billie

“Ah okay. I get it.” 

“I find it to be a clear line. Like I understand when people tell me things like people who you love can hurt you.” I take another deep breath, “ I don’t know. I know I’m sad, but I’m mostly sad for my past self. The one who didn’t know.”

“Ahh I think I get it. Kinda like you wish you didn’t waste so much time on that and saved yourself from being hurt.”

“Yea. I kinda wish I would’ve told him last year. I feel like that would’ve saved me a lot of pain.” I confess

“Yeah but don’t think about the ”what ifs.” Focus on the present you. The important thing is that you know now and you’re doing your best to move on from that.” 

“I think I’ll feel better if I never think about this again.” 

“It be like that sometimes.” Billie adds in order to bring some light into the conversation

“Well, at least one of us is happy.” 

“Honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do with you.”

“Love you. I got to go.”

“Bye.”

I hang up and I sit in my car, thinking about what has happened in the past few hours. I want to move on. I want to convince everyone else that I have, but the reality was very different. 

Even though I’m angry and sad I can’t help but still feel something for him. 

There is an amount of residual feelings. Unfortunately for me, years of me liking him just couldn’t be erased in a few short months. I genuinely Liked Noah for years. Even though everyone tells me he’s ridiculous or has the personality of a blank sheet of paper, I can’t seem to look at him any other way. I do everything in my power to forget him. 

What I told Billie was true, I didn’t love him. I know for a fact I’ve never loved anyone, at least not like that. I may have had very strong feelings for Noah, but it never went as far as to love him. 

It’s also true that I was working on myself. That much I’ve managed to do. 

At first it was out of spite. I wanted to prove to Noah that I didn’t need him to be happy. Then it was because I wanted to prove to everyone that one guy wasn’t going to break me down. It took me a while to realize that I needed to do it for myself. 

That’s why I realized I needed to talk to Amber. Even when everyone told me it was a bad idea. I wanted to feel better. I knew that part of me couldn’t move on from that time, and that part of me wanted to grow up.  

Now that I know what happened that weekend, more than ever I feel used, but part of me feels like he didn’t do it on purpose. He probably hasn’t even noticed that I’ve been missing from his life. 

At this moment more than ever I want to send that stupid message. Just to get it over with. Just so I can finally move on and completely forget about this horrible nightmare. 

I start to say my goodbyes to my friends a few weeks before I leave. 

With this one problem I have, that brings me so much stress, I’m moving across the country. Which is my one consolation from all of this. I get to move to a different state, hundreds of miles from all of my childhood trauma. I get to start fresh with new people. Screw up in different ways and grow a little more. 

The good thing is I can safely send Noah the message and then not see him for a while. Bad thing is, I will be moving back after six months. 

The reason I’m moving is because of work, and once it’s over, I have to come back to the reality that is my life here.  

So if I send the message to Noah while I’m gone, I don’t have to see him for six months. Again, the problem is I’ll see him in six months. 

I do believe a lot can change in six months. Like him telling everyone I liked him and was heartbroken over him. I’ve known Noah for years and know he isn’t capable of doing something like that. Especially after knowing how one small rumor ruined my life.

I pondered for a while on whether or not I should actually send the message. 

I know I need to send it to be able to move on. I also know that sending it could create a lot of problems. 

After many hours on the road where I got to think, I came to a decision.