Kendrick had said I could start moving stuff over immediately, so long as I didn’t mind storing it downstairs until he was officially gone. When I got home, I freed my feet from the heels and threw on sweats. Not wanting to cook, I ate a simple sandwich and then started to pack the truck of my car with my photography gear.
The rumble of the garage door opening surprised me. It was only 7:30pm and I had expected Robert and the boys to be gone a lot longer. The bright headlights revealed all the equipment I had strewn in Robert’s parking spot as I was loading my trunk.
“I’m sorry,” I said to Robert, “I thought you guys would be a little longer.”
“It’s fine,” he said, but I could tell by the way he shut the car door that he was irritated.
It’s interesting how after twenty years of marriage you begin to recognize the lies in the words and the truth in the silence. Whatever happened at dinner had him angry, and this was a simple problem that would be magnified by preexisting rage.
Another set of headlights arrived in the driveway, and I realized the boys had driven separately from their father. Ethan’s blonde head popped up as he got out of his brother’s car, he looked like his affable self, but as Nyx came into view, I could tell he had been brooding.
“Boys, can you come help me load this really quick, so your father can park?”
They must have picked up on the urgency in my voice because they immediately came to grab things to start loading them. While many teenagers would bemoan helping their parents, my sons had always looked out for me. I had no idea how this had been cultivated into them, but I was always grateful for it.
“Are these your photography lights mom?” Nyx asked, his curiosity overcoming his angst.
“Yeah, so be careful with them, we should put them on top of this other gear.”
“Why are you loading up your photography stuff?” Ethan asked, his tone was light, he was not as emotional as his older brother. The space was already clear, and Robert got back into his car to pull into his normal spot.
“I found a place to move,” I said as I closed the trunk, “I’m really excited to show it to you boys! It will need a little renovating and I would like your opinions on it.”
Nyx and Ethan exchanged glances and looked unsure how to respond. My enthusiasm seemed to be a point of confusion for them. The past week Robert and I had some very loud arguments about the divorce. Not because I was angry at the idea of splitting, but because of how he was going about it.
Bringing a realtor to put the house up for sale in the middle of Ethan’s sophomore year of school was not something to spring on people you love. Our son was going to be massively impacted by this. Not only that, but his birthday was also in a few weeks. Sixteen was a significant birthday. It was going to be rather challenging to celebrate when his parents were divorcing, and he was packing to move.
Robert raged about the fact that I always put the boys before him, that he was tired of being nothing but the family bankroll, and stated there would probably never be a convenient time to get divorced. As furious as I was with Ethan having the hardest changes to manage, I never once argued to stay together. The ship for a happy marriage had sailed a long time ago.
Maybe if the boys saw my happiness, it would help them accept it too. Once I found my happiness, that is. Until then, I would need to fake it. I drummed up all the positivity inside myself that I could, I needed to show them that things were okay.
Robert got out of the car and went inside without saying anything. His silence seemed to impact Nyx and Ethan in a curious way, their jaws tightening until he was inside.
“Did it go that bad?” I asked them.
Nyx was my emotionally volatile boy, his feelings ran close to the surface, and his face gave them all away. He got this from his father, along with most of his looks.
“Dad’s an asshole,” he said cooly, shoving his hands in his pockets with a bit too much force, “I don’t want to eat dinner with him.”
“Did you guys not eat dinner then?”
Ethan smiled mischievously, “Nyx picked me up early and we went to the restaurant to eat before dad got there. He showed up just in time to pay.”
Ouch. No wonder Robert was so angry.
I couldn’t stop the heavy sigh that left my body at hearing the events of the night. My response seemed to distress them, their proud plan being a source of displeasure to me was not what they had hoped for. They had always been my little helpers, and even when their efforts made things worse, I would still smile and tell them I appreciated it.
“Boys,” I said, putting a hand on each of their cheeks, “I would never want either of you to stay in a marriage that made you unhappy, and I don’t want your father to do it either.”
“Then why did you do it, mom?” Nyx asked defiantly.
“Because you two made me happy enough to ignore it. I have always loved being your mother, even when you two used steel wool to wash my car.”
That was another time their ‘help’ had resulted in a less enthusiastic response. I tried to turn it into a teaching moment with them, while still appreciating their spirit of service, but Robert had been incensed at the thousands of dollars we had to spend to repaint the car.
“You will never let us live that down, will you?” Ethan said, a bit embarrassed.
“Never,” I said, reaching up to ruffle his blonde hair. “You’re both growing up, and I love seeing the men you’re becoming. However, it’s also leading to a scary change for me as a mother. Nyx you are already out on your own, and in a few years you will too, Ethan. When you are both gone, and it’s just your dad and I, then we won’t be able to hide from it anymore. I wish this didn’t have to hurt you boys, but I think this needs to happen. I know you are worried, but I promise that I’m going to be okay.”
I reached to wrap my small arms around their necks, needing to get on my tiptoes to reach Ethan, and forced them into a hug. Truthfully, I was not strong enough to force them to do anything, but they submitted to my affection. As we came out of the hug, I took a turn to look each of them in the eyes. They were opposites in a lot of ways, but their eyes were an identical light blue, the same as mine.
“Be nice to your father, at least about the divorce.”
“Mom,” Ethan started, and then hesitated, “He’s already dating.”
“I know.”
“YOU KNOW?!” Nyx boomed angrily.
“Theoretically, I knew,” I began with a shrug, “He wouldn’t have asked for a divorce if he wasn’t.”
“Mom, that isn’t okay,” Ethan said calmly, “it’s disrespectful to you.”
“The divorce will make it okay. In three months, your father will be single, and his relationship choices will be none of my business.”
“How can you—” Nyx started but got flustered with his feelings. “How can you be so okay with this?!”
I had suspected that Robert had found someone six months ago when he stopped being intimate with me, so enough time had passed for me to appear nonchalant about it. I couldn’t exactly tell my sons that our marital sex patterns clued me in ages ago.
That was only part of the reason though, a much bigger issue had removed my emotional connection ages ago. As the memory of it came to mind, my false positivity evaporated, and my voice grew heavy with emotion.
“Your dad and I never really recovered after I lost your sister.”
Nyx turned to look away, blue eyes filled with melancholy. He was almost eight when it happened, so he could remember, if only vaguely. He wouldn’t know about what happened at the hospital, since he was not there, but he was old enough to see my grief afterward. Only my obstetrician knew the truth of my betrayed devastation. I couldn’t bring myself to tell anyone the whole story.
I wished I would have been strong enough to shelter my sons from my anguish, but that was the beginning of the end. Nyx remembered the person I was before, and he saw the change afterward. As a wife, I stopped trying. The trophy wife that did her best to look good next to her successful husband dissolved into a mother that had to claw her way to show up for her sons. Every ounce of my energy had to be channeled towards caring for the boys and Robert became an afterthought.
“I know, I just—” Nyx faded out, unsure of what to say next.
“Has our family been a lie this whole time?” Ethan asked timidly.
“No, sweetheart,” I said, reaching for their cheeks again, “Our family is real. Robert will always be your father, I will always be your mother, and Nyx will always be your brother.” Nyx proceeded to shoot his little brother some bombastic side eye, as if to disagree with me. I pinched his cheek and continued, “We never agreed to fake our marriage for you boys, we just slowly grew apart from then on. I’m sorry that things will be different now, but I will love you the same, no matter what.”
“Even if you start dating again?” Nyx asked, with bitterness in his voice.
I laughed out loud at the remark. Their dad’s dating probably had more to do with feeling replaced than indignation on my behalf.
“Tell all your college friends I’m single, will ya?”
Nyx batted my hand off his cheek and pretended to wretch on his dad’s car. Ethan laughed at his brother’s discomfort, enjoying my joke as much as I did.
“Trust me, I have no interest in courtship. You two are the only men I need in my life.”
I genuinely meant it. The idea of going on first dates had zero appeal to me. I dated excessively in my first year of college, before that summer with Joseph. After him, things were different, and all the dates I went on after that were nothing but nightmare fuel.
Joseph had been one of my closest friends in my freshman year. We had classes together, we sat together, we studied together, and we just talked. For some reason, it had always been incredibly natural to tell him anything. It felt like such a stupid thing, but that was what I could not find after he left. I couldn’t find someone I could confide in. All I found in the subsequent dates I went on were forced conversations and mismatched feelings. I had no desire to pursue those awkward experiences at my age.
No, dating was not on my post-divorce agenda.
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