Lucas

Regaining control over my limbs, I pull her close, squeezing her tighter than I should, but not once does she complain or pull away. When my knees ache from the uncomfortable position, I maneuver us so I’m sitting on the soft ground with her legs wrapped around my waist. Attempting to hide the embarrassment I’m sure is written all over my face, I lay my forehead on her shoulder. On my right, Nero pokes his cold wet nose against my cheek, and his sorrow-filled whines leave me no choice but to reach up to soothe him.

“I’m okay. We’re okay,” I tell them both, my voice cracking with emotion as it hits me that the worst has come to pass. I lost control in front of her, of all people, and yet… it’s not only shame that fills me but also relief. Because, after all that, she’s still here.

“I’m sorry I left you,” I whisper. “I was a fucked-up kid buried under a shit ton of grief. I didn’t want to leave, but Child Services was threatening to take one of us away and it had to be me. I couldn’t put Jenny through watching that happen, or risk her being taken as well, so I left. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye, but most of all, I’m sorry for letting you carry the guilt that belongs to me. Believe me, it wasn’t your fault. There was nothing you could have done.”

When she pulls back, the way those whiskey eyes look down at me steals my breath. Even after all these years, even after everything that’s changed me, there’s one fact that still holds true. Like the sky is bound to the sun, so too am I hopelessly bound to the brown orbs that shine just as bright.

Suddenly, the urge to taste her lips overwhelms me. The need is so strong that I swallow back a groan and close my eyes. Anything to break the spell that’s got me yearning for that which I know I cannot have.

When I’m finally brave enough to look at her, she tells me, “I understand why you left, but I’m having trouble understanding why you never came back for us. For Jen. For me. We waited for you, Lucas.”

“Fuck, sweetheart.” I shake my head. “It’s complicated.”

“Can you try to explain? Please.” She whispers. Her plea leaving me no choice but to tell her the truth.

“I was so damn broken. I couldn’t see how I’d fit into either of your lives after what I’d done. It’s why I enlisted in the Navy. Pushed hard to become a SEAL, and then worked my ass off, believing that’s what I would do for the rest of my life. After enough time had passed, I figured you were all better off without me, especially with what I’d become. I’m messed up, Embree. It’s so bad, not even the Navy wants me.”

At my confession, she pulls me close. Her head drops to my shoulder, where she buries her face into the crook of my neck.

“So you’re not on leave?”

“No,” I sigh. “I’m sorry I lied. I didn’t know what else to do. As you can see, I’m not in a good place. I didn’t want either of you to see me like this.”

She lays there silently for a few minutes before she lifts her head and says. “We love you regardless of what’s happened. No matter who you are now, you’re ours, Lucas. And you’re wrong about us being better off. Without you, neither of us has felt complete. It’s why we fought so hard to find you. It’s why we chased you around the world with our letters. Letters that never came back, which tells me you must have received at least some of them. But you didn’t read them, did you?”           

Those damn letters both stalked and tortured me all around the globe. One coming just about every month for the first six years of my military career. Her handwriting on the envelopes would bring tears to my eyes each time I received one, and yet, I never had the courage to open a single one. I kept them safe through every mission. I collected them like the precious artifacts that they were until I could get them back to my safe deposit box in New York where to this day they still sit unopened.

Sheepishly I ask her, “How do you know I didn’t read them?”

With a knowing smile, she informs me, “Because if you had, you would know how much you were missed. You would know how badly we needed you. If you’d read those letters, you would have known that your place was always with us. You would have seen that neither of us wanted to move on without you. So why, Lucas? Why didn’t you read them?”

“Because I’m a coward… and an idiot.” I bow my head, for the first time wishing I had read the damn letters. “I was scared to find out that I’d made a mistake. Or worst, that I was right, and you were all better off without me.”

Uncomfortable with my candid response, I guide her from my lap, easing her to sit next to me instead. The instant my lap is free, Nero positions the top of his body over me in a possessive move that makes Embree laugh. The sound is like a balm to my tortured soul, especially after the heaviness of our conversation. Encouraging Nero to lie next to me instead, I bring my knees up to my chest.        

“I really am sorry. I never meant to hurt either of you. Maybe someday I’ll find a way to make it up to the both of you.”

“Have you not heard a word I said, Luc?” She bumps her shoulder into mine playfully. “We love you. We’re family, which means there’s nothing for you to do except be present and accept our love. Come back to us. Let us love you.” 

Tears sting at the corners of my eyes, and as is my way, I resort to self-deprecating jokes. “Well, I did warn you I’m a coward and an idiot.”

Reaching for my hand, she takes it and squeezes, her mouth forming the most beautiful grin I’ve ever seen. “That’s okay, as long as you accept that you’re our idiot.”

And with that, all tension and angst disappear.

It’s like we both take a collective breath as we look beyond the grass toward the shimmering lake. Small waves glitter in the sunlight, as a family of mallard ducks glide through the surface of the water. It’s at that moment that I find my peace again. The peace that’s eluded me since Nero and I left our wild mountain sanctuary days ago. But what makes it so terrifyingly different is that this time we’re not alone. A fact that simultaneously scares me and gives me hope that maybe I’m not doomed to a miserable life of lonely solitude.

Unwilling to hang my hopes on wishful thinking, I stand, then help her to her feet. Leaning in, I drop a tender kiss on the top of her head before leading us back to finish our meal. For the next while, our conversation remains light. Kept mainly to discussing her and Jen’s trouble-making days in high school and college.

“What about your mom and dad?” It’s a question I’ve avoided, hoping it would come up naturally during our conversation.

The way she puts her unfinished sandwich back into the wrapper confirms what I was afraid of. When she looks at me this time, all I see is grief. It’s a look that I know well, having seen it many times in the faces of the widows and family members of my fallen brothers and sisters. It’s also the look that has stared back at me in the mirror for as long as I can remember.

“My dad died about ten months after you left.”

No longer hungry, I drop what remains of my food back into the bag of trash. Staring at my hands clasped on the table, I offer my condolences. “I’m sorry you lost him.”

“Did you know? That he was sick?” When I feel her searching my face, my stomach drops. Before my eyes, I watch helplessly as the remaining pieces of the puzzle fall into place. “You knew. That night when we talked, the night that you left, you knew?”

Allowing the sadness from that day to wash over me, I nod. “I did. After the funeral, I heard your parents talking to the social worker. She told them that because your dad was sick, the state might only let them keep one of us.”

Her breath hitches, the sound snapping my eyes toward her in time to watch her collapse into her hands. A strangled sob emanates from her, and my own eyes burn at the sight of her grief. Now that she knows, I hope she can forgive me.

“You left so my parents wouldn’t have to choose.” Her voice is weak while she continues to sob.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. Having just lost my mom and dad, I knew the heartache you’d have to face. That night, I just couldn’t fathom being the one to inflict that kind of pain. I’d already broken Jenny’s heart by taking away our parents. I didn’t want to do the same thing to you.”

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Author’s Note: 

This chapter broke my heart! Lucas wants so badly to be loved. His yearning for family, to belong to someone or to something is so strong, yet it's like he won't allow himself to have it. He often mentions that he doesn't deserve to be happy, but part of me wonders if it's more about his fear of loss. Of having the "universe" as he refers to it, rip it all away again, just as it did with the loss of his parents, the loss of his comrades, and the loss of his career.

What do you think? I can’t wait to read all your comments!

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