Read The letters I never sent you :: 10

Weeks go by and I start to find different ways to cope with what I went through.

I was still weighing my options and even though they both had very good arguments, I had to choose one. I had asked a few of my friends what they thought, and most thought that the message was complete, except that I had to fully express that I no longer liked him. This was so Noah wouldn’t think he had a chance to try again.

Honestly at some point I had forgotten that I had promised myself I was going to send it. I wasn’t until I got a message from a family member that was highly invested in the story.

Tiny 12:21 pm

So what did you decide

Logan 12:49 pm

After some consideration

Tiny 12:49 pm

Just tell me

Logan 12:49 pm

And a few other things happening to me

Logan 12:49 pm

I decided not to send it

Tiny 12:49 pm

I mean yeah

Tiny 12:49 pm

Makes sense

Tiny 12:50 pm

Good because honestly I would be have been mortified for you

Logan 12:50 pm

He’s going through some things

Logan 12:50 pm

And I don’t want to add on

Tiny 12:50 pm

Thats what he gets

Tiny 12:50 pm

Just kidding

Tiny 12:50 pm

Duh

Logan 12:51 pm

He doesn’t deserve it. And I’m quite content

Logan 12:51 pm

I’d like to believe I’ve moved on

Logan 12:51 pm

I no longer feel bad. So he doesn’t deserve to go through the stages of grief. Just because I went through them.

Tiny 12:52 pm

Yeah I guess

Tiny 12:52 pm

Well that great

Which is a disappointment. It feels like I’ve been suffering in silence all these months, for nothing.

I’ve worked up the courage to talk to him so many times, but always back out at the last minute. In the end, I will always be a coward, always.

I’ve worked hard on myself for more than I have ever cared for, and I no longer needed to talk to him in order to get closure.

I also realized that it isn’t fair to him to confuse him by telling him.

I came to this conclusion because of something that happened with another boy.

Right before I left, a guy I was starting to like and thought that he liked me back asked me a interesting question:

What do you feel about me?

I didn’t know how to answer at the moment. But when I finally had an answer, it was too late.

He was already dating someone.

And that's when I realized.

I wasn’t going to call him or text him and tell him: Hey what the hell? I thought we had something?

Because it wasn’t fair.

Right now, Noah was going through it and I didn’t want to add on. I didn't know much about him, but I did know that he was struggling when it came to social gatherings. He stopped showing up for things, or he would just leave in the middle of it. And I realized that it wasn’t fair. Just because I felt like my heart was torn out, that didn’t give me the right to treat him like an awful person. I had to remember that he also got hurt.

This was a horrible experience and I don’t wish it upon anyone, but it helped me learn a few things about myself. For example, I learned I never want to go through that again. I also never want to put someone through that.

Even though it was a horrible situation some of my friends thought the whole thing was amusing for me to have been so hurt by someone like Noah. Icarus was one of the ones that thought this way, but nonetheless was still invested.

Icarus 9:00 pm

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, he’s the personified version of a sheet of blank paper

Icarus 9:00 pm

He doesn’t have the personality to be in a dream

Logan 9:01 pm

I did come to a decision about that

Icarus 9:01 pm

What was your decision

Logan 9:04 pm

I’m not going to talk to him

Logan 9:04 pm

Which is a shame

Icarus 9:05 pm

Not gonna send it

Icarus 9:05 pm

Sad

Logan 9:06 pm

He’s clearly going through it

Logan 9:06 pm

I don’t want to be another reason he’s unhappy

Logan 9:07 pm

Nor do I want him to think anything of it

Logan 9:07 pm

I’ve moved on. I think

Icarus 9:07 pm

Doubt it

Logan 9:08 pm

I think I’m content being single

Logan 9:08 pm

*cries to sleep every night*

Logan 9:08 pm

But I’m perfectly content

Icarus 9:10 pm

You are?

Logan 9:15 pm

He’s a blank sheet of paper. And no matter what he did, I don’t deserve to do that to him.

Logan 9:15 pm

Also being alone allows me to essentially do what I want.

Logan 9:15 pm

I’m glad it didn’t work out with him or with anyone else for that matter.

Icarus 9:15 pm

Whys that?

Logan 9:15 pm

Do you see me dating Noah?

Logan 9:15 pm

There’s many reason why I just never saw myself being with him

We go on for a while on the different reasons that Noah and I just weren’t meant to be together. Which for the most part was just to make me feel better.

Logan 9:29 pm

Dodged a bullet I guess

Logan 9:29 pm

And twice

Logan 9:29 pm

Technically three times

Icarus 9:30 pm

How did everyone else take the news?

Logan 9:30 pm

Ok, I guess.

Logan 9:30 pm

I haven’t told many, but I can imagine the disappointment

This experience also taught me that there are certain problems I need to just let go. I am happy that the only good thing from this is that I got to mend my broken relationship with Amber. Even if it meant hearing things that were kind of painful, at least I got to move on and receive closure from that part of my life.

I’ve been given the amazing opportunity to start fresh in a new place. One where people don’t have to know what I’ve been through. Even though I know it’ll be some time before I get close to someone again, at least I won't be as scared.

At the moment, I’m perfectly happy with how I am right now.

Sure when I wrote the letters, I was angry and sad. And yes I admit, I was a little jealous. But that doesn’t mean I get to ruin someone else’s life.

Part of me still wants to know Noah’s side of the story. Why did he do what he did? Did he do it on purpose? Or was I just hoping?

The other part is done. I’ve moved on as much as I can. The part that’s content, got closure the moment that Noah asked out Amber. It just took me a while to get there.

In the end, I was never able to send Noah the letters I had written for him