Nora,

You’ve decided to stop thinking so much.

But it’s hard sometimes.

You wonder how David is able to keep trying even when he’s going through difficult moments. Things get in the way of his happiness. He breaks down, yet he always gets back up and carries on like nothing ever happened. It’s like he’s invincible.

You wonder how Alexander is so successful without even trying sometimes. It seems effortless to be him. When he sets his mind to something, he doesn’t think about failure. He does it. And he succeeds. And it makes you think he’s really cool.

You wonder… why you can’t be more like either of them. You wish you were, and you can’t help but compare yourself to them.

You’ve been attending all these auditions, practicing day in, day out. But it’s never good enough. You’re never good enough. Not enough to be called back, at least.

Every day you feel the weight of all those years you didn’t practice your craft push down against your shoulders whenever you open your mouth to act.

You feel like a failure and you wonder if you are.

What if you’re deluded?

What if you’re one of those people who think they have talent but are insignificant in the end, someone with a little too much hope? A dreamer.

You already want to give up.

It’s not fun anymore. Nothing’s hopeful nor motivating about realizing how distant, near-impossible your dream is. When you enter a waiting room, anyone else present is always so far ahead. They carry themselves with confidence. It’s obvious they have more experience than you.

Everyone’s more talented. Everyone has it all. You can’t even bring yourself to feel like you’ve been left behind, it’s like you never belonged in the first place, like you weren’t even running in this race.

Honestly, you got cocky, Nora. Alexander and your acquaintances from an improv class told you that you were talented. And it went to your head.

You managed to wriggle your way into the lives of a few directors and agents, you thought it’d make things work out somehow, but it didn’t take long before they tried to have sex with you... of course, you didn’t want to do it. And you didn’t. But now they’re barely ever talking to you anymore. You feel disgusting. You feel like an idiot. It was obvious this was what they wanted from the start. You got their numbers at that party by flirting back. You don’t know why you ever thought they’d be fine with leaving it at that and keeping you around as a friend. You aren’t that interesting in the first place.

And yet at that time, you thought you’d be a success.

What an incredible slap in the face this entire thing has been, Nora. Hopefully you’ll know better from now on than to be so naïve.

It isn’t over. You’re going to keep trying. You don’t want to stop. Not after you’ve put in so many hours, so many late nights, sometimes sleepless ones, too, just to get to an audition. But you feel empty inside. Life feels like swimming in the darkness, plunging into a void and hoping you’ll see a light eventually—you wonder if this is how David feels.

And if it is, how is he so strong?

How has he not given up already? Because you feel close to giving in. And it’s only been a few weeks.

Last month, you told David you were sorry.

Sorry for acting the way you did whenever he was around.

Sorry for being so ungrateful.

Sorry for letting your fears control your actions.

Sorry for treating him in ways he never deserved.

You wished you could take it back, you wished you could do it all again, but it was too late to start over.

You only hoped… that even if David didn’t want to be around you anymore, he’d at least know you were sorry. And… you offered to move out. You didn’t want to say it. You’re falling in love with Alexander and he makes you feel the safest anyone ever has, but you told David he didn’t have to hold back—if he felt like you’d been overstepping his boundaries, if your presence was upsetting to him, you promised him you’d leave. “You can tell me to leave. I won’t put up a fight. I’ll go.”

But David said you could stay. He told you he didn’t mind. He accepted your apology.

You hope he really meant that. Part of you doubts his words. You realize things aren’t that simple. David loves Alexander, he obviously doesn’t want Alexander to be unhappy. And Alexander seems to like you, so… your leaving could make the man David loves unhappy, but… fuck, Nora, I don’t know.

I don’t know what to do anymore.

I didn’t know what else to say.

I don’t know how to make things right.

I feel like I should have never come between them in the first place.

I feel like I’ve ruined everything and the guilt gnaws at me. If I leave I might make Alexander miserable. If I stay David might be miserable.

But do I even have a right to be here?

Is it even okay for me to love Alexander after how I treated his husband?

I don’t know how to fix this.

I wish I knew how to fix this.

I’ve come to care about them both so much.

I don’t want to hurt them anymore.

But part of me wonders if it even matters.

Maybe I’m not that important to Alexander.

Maybe I’m just a mere hindrance to David.