But I didn’t.

I didn’t feel anything, not a single thing.

I cannot recall the exact amount of time that had passed since he had left. My memories of it kept getting hazier over time. When he exited through the door, I remained in my seat, frozen and unable to move. For what felt like an eternity, I sat there, my mind completely blank and devoid of any coherent thought. The sudden realization I wasn’t in my regular bus ride still was sinking through my bones and it scared me.

Did that mean that every single time I saw him I had been asleep?

Brains like to trick us, it happens all the time. They can make you feel all kinds of things, even things that seem like they're not real. It's true that the more you're around certain stuff, the more likely your brain is to make it a part of your experience, even if you're not paying attention. Maybe I was seeing him so much in my regular commute, that started actually dreaming about him. Maybe that last exchange was my mind trying to play with my senses. But deep down everything that he said made more sense than I wanted it to make, like an answer I didn’t know I was waiting for.

“Jasper.” I whispered his name to the small opening of the window. I could almost see it floating away, carried on by the misty clouds that had become so notorious.

I was alone in the bus, a bus that wasn’t real. It was a strange one, with a surreal quality to it that left me feeling uneasy. With people that were not real surrounding me all over. In a route that wasn’t going to take me anywhere. What was I supposed to do then?

Despair washed over me. I longed for someone to talk to, to guide me through this strange and unfamiliar place. I longed for him, and I didn't know how I felt about that.

No one would talk to me, there was no strange notebook to try to decipher, not a driver to guide me. I closed my eyes and tried to think about everything that I ever wanted to do in my wildest dreams, following what he said.

I tried to think about him again, in an effort to make appear out of thin air. I wished for the sunset to bathe everything with it's pink light, for anything that was at least a little bit entertaining. Something that made me feel at least a little bit less afraid.

The truth is that the whole concept wasn't all that abstract to me. My whole life I had been deep into everything unknown. Astral projection, witchcraft, subliminal messages, reality shifting, Mandela effects, conspiracies, paranormal activities, para-science, lucid dreaming.

Every single piece of media that could possibly talk about the existence of something else out there, something hidden from the common eyes, I would devour it. Yet, I only had a little bit of luck in a few instances trying stuff for myself. Had never shifted or seen a ghost. I also couldn’t convince my friends Britney did in fact have a microphone in the Oops I Did it Again video. My life consisted in practicing law of attraction, and listening to specific and curated lists of subliminal messages that would make it better.

I believed that by keeping an open mind and exposing myself to different ideas and beliefs, I could increase the likelihood of experiencing the extraordinary.

But I had never, ever in my whole life, lucid dreamed before.

Before that day, I was starting to think it wasn’t real.

So I pressed the tip of my index finger to my palm again and again, feeling the sensation of my skin touching and the pressure of my finger against it. I focused on my breathing, feeling the gentle rise and fall of my chest with each inhale and exhale. As I continued to press my finger to my palm, I allowed my mind to wander, imagining myself in a peaceful, relaxing place. I pictured a tranquil forest, with birds chirping and a gentle breeze blowing through the trees. I could feel the soft grass beneath my feet and the warmth of the sun on my skin.

But no, nothing. I was still sitting in that stupid seat, in that stupid bus.

It felt so real, that it was almost unbearable. My brain was unable to let go of the sensations that had been imprinted upon it - every single stroke of the fabric against my skin, the faint scent of his cologne still lingering in the air. It was as if he was still there with me, even though I knew he was long gone.

I tried to focus hard, just like I had imagined it would work. I tried to make myself fly or make the people disappear, or do any of the cool things that Jasper had mentioned people could do in their dreams when they could control them. However, nothing happened. It was starting to get to me.

I was frustrated and helpless, as if the whole situation was completely out of my control. I felt a growing sense of claustrophobia, as if I was trapped inside those four walls and couldn't escape.

I couldn't stop thinking about how to get out of this situation, but I couldn't figure it out. I started to wonder if I was doing something wrong, or if I just didn't have the right mindset to control my dreams. No matter how hard I tried, I didn't make any progress and became more and more frustrated. I knew I needed to try a different approach to gain control over my dreams and escape from this feeling of helplessness and confinement.

After sitting for what felt like an eternity, I finally stood up and began to inspect my surroundings. I looked under the chairs, peered inside people’s pockets, and even examined the walls and ceilings. It was as if I was seeing everything with new eyes, noticing details that I had never paid attention to before.

As I continued my exploration, the windows would occasionally fog up, obscuring my view. But even then, I refused to give up. Instead, I took out a pen and a scrap of paper and began to jot down random thoughts and observations. It was almost as if the fog was clearing my mind and allowing me to see things in a different light.

The windows would sometimes fog up and block my view. But I didn't give up. Instead, I started writing stupid things on them with my finger, even if it was just to pass the time.

“Help” “Penis” “Banana” “Jasper” Little hearts even. Maybe.

It was boring, plain old boring.

Until I found something.

A single pink pill lying on the ground. As someone who frequently takes antiallergic pills, I immediately recognized it as one. However, it was just weird to see it just laying there on the ground, as if it had been dropped by accident. This small, seemingly insignificant object stood out like a sore thumb in the midst of the perfectly crafted illusion of the interior of the bus. Something off putting, that wasn’t meant to be there. Something else that was real. As real as me and the boy with big bags under his eyes and grey highlights on his shiny black hair.

Jasper.

After taking the pill, I noticed more things around me. It was like discovering glitches in a game, things that were not meant to be, just like myself. Little remains of life that made it all a little bit more tolerable. At least, it made me feel like I wasn't the only one in existence and that, maybe, I wasn't imagining things.

To my surprise, I came across a few interesting trinkets. So far I had collected a jumbled receipt, a hairpin, some paper clips, an empty condom wrapping, two dimes and a couple of chewed gum from below one of the seats I refused to actually grab.

Those were my anchors, the things that helped me try to make sense of something that shouldn’t have had it in the first place. They reminded me that I wasn't going completely crazy, that there was more to it than the zombielike forms that balanced back and forth with the movement of the bus. They made me believe there might have been some hope in all of it.

Dreams are weird, they always have been. When you are inside them everything seems normal, but when you remember them or try to see from outside you notice how messed up everyting was. That was my problem, I was trying to make sense of something that, by design, shouldn’t have had it in the first place.

But what else was I supposed to do?

At one point I pretended I was one of them, a passenger just looking out the window without being able to fully picture the things outside. My mind began to wander. I started to think about Jasper and how much time had passed since we last spoke. Was it just minutes? Hours? Or had it been days that felt like an eternity?

I gazed outside, lost in my thoughts, and began to wonder if I was maybe awake and was just confusing everything with the vivid dream I had the night before. Time felt like an abstract concept, something that didn't make a lot of sense, it got more and more disorienting the more in passed.

I felt my eyelids droop and my body grow heavy with fatigue, I didn’t know that was possible. Why would I want to fall asleep inside a dream? Wasn’t I supposed to be asleep already?

The very idea seemed ridiculous to me, but drowsiness that had taken hold of me. I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open, but I couldn't stop thinking about what it all meant.

It didn’t help that my body didn’t react to any of the stops, like Jasper said it would. He had assured me I was going to feel it when it was time, after all it was like that for him. Then why did I only feel so sleepy?

My blinking had become harder and slower. My eyes were struggling to stay open, weighed down by the weight of everything else. The sweet rumble of the tires against the gravel below gave me a comforting lullaby. With each passing moment, the world outside seemed to grow more and more distant.

Blink

More fog outside, streetlights seeming almost like they were floating above the clouds on the ground.

The dense fog outside was so thick that it was almost impossible to see anything beyond a few feet away. The streetlights, with their bright yellow glow, seemed to be suspended in mid-air, as if they were floating above the clouds that had descended onto the ground. The dampness in the air made the temperature feel colder than it actually was, and the sound of non-existing traffic added to the eerie atmosphere created by the fog.

Blink

We got to an intersection in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by emptiness and desolation. The buildings seemed like mere skeletons of something that should have been magnificent and awe-inspiring, but instead, they were left to slowly decay and crumble. Even though I had never been to this place before, it felt oddly familiar, as if I had visited it in another life.

The sun was going down, making everything outside look orange. A soft wind was blowing through the streets, it felt sad and like we missed something. It was like a snapshot of a place that had long since been forgotten by the rest of the world.

Blink

The neon sign that glowed above me seemed to mock my confusion, as it pointed towards a bus stop that looked all too familiar. I squinted my eyes and tried to make out the words that were dancing in front of me, but they seemed to elude my grasp.

Suddenly, a wave of déjà vu washed over me, filling me with an inexplicable sense of familiarity. Had I been there before?

Blink

Beautiful blue eyes, I couldn't help but feel as though I was staring into the ocean at dawn. The way those eyes blinked so close to me was almost mesmerizing, and I could almost feel the flutter of the eyelashes against my skin, like delicate butterfly wings. It was a moment that seemed to linger, suspended in time.

Then he backed off.

Jasper's voice echoed through the bus as he spoke, "I didn't expect to find you here again."

His gaze shifted to the pile of things that I had accumulated on the seat beside me. He seemed to be surprised by my presence, but I couldn't bring myself to respond for a few seconds at least.

As soon as I saw him, my heart skipped a beat.

“Oh hi,” my stupid smile probably indicated how happy I was to see him again.

I rubbed my eyes, for some reason I felt as tired as if I had been sleeping for a really long time. But, how much time had passed?

He also smiled.

“Hi,” he answered in a whisper and sat down next to me, careful to not crush my little trinkets. “Am I interrupting something?”

I looked into his eyes and then to the things, then back to his eyes. A little smirk was forming in his blushing face. His eyes were fixed on a particular item, and I found myself following his gaze to see what it was.

“What? No! I was alone in here!” The words escaped my mouth louder than what I intended. “I just found those! Plus, that was empty already” I said and pointed at the condom wrapper.

“Oh, bummer” He shrugged and said in a tone so low I could barely hear it.

“Wh- what?” I couldn’t stop my stutter even trying with all my might, my mouth dried immediately.

He gulped and started coughing and shaking his head.

“Stupid joke, I’m sorry.”

I laughed as well, suddenly I didn’t feel tired anymore.

It might have been stupid dream logic but, right at that moment I could have swore that his presence was giving me some energy I didn’t have before. It was ridiculous but I really felt like…

“Hey Chiara,” He interrupted my thoughts, serious once again. For some reason I felt comfortable with him, like I had met him before. Maybe in another life. “Do you think we’re…” He paused, like looking for the perfect word to come next. “… connected somehow?”