Chapter 5

Myles inches down the bench, just a fraction closer to me. Chewing my lips, I know that I have to make a decision. If I want Myles to back off, I just have to tell him. But if I want to hold his hand…I should just reach out and take it. But I can’t. I can’t bring myself to initiate anything - what if I hold his hand, and then I want to stop holding his hand? I can’t just change my mind, surely? If I’m the one to hold his hand in the first place? So instead, I do absolutely nothing. And neither does Myles. We stay there, talking about random things - sometimes pack related, sometimes just about everyday life. And Myles doesn’t take my hand, not even once.

I think I want him to though? But I’m too nervous to take his hand, so it has to be Myles that initiates anything. How am I supposed to tell him that?

“Caro? Are you alright?” Myles asks gently - I keep zoning out, staring at his hands. Feeling my face heat up a little, I clear my throat awkwardly.

“I wouldn’t…hate it, if you…you know…held my hand,” I say very slowly, and Myles finally follows the line of my eyes to where I was staring. Myles smiles warmly, ever so slowly lifting his hand and placing it on my leg, next to my hand. And then, he very slowly takes my hand in his, holding me so lightly that if I wanted to move away at all, I could.

I’m not scared of Myles. But I am scared of change.

“Myles…” I begin, not moving my hand from his. “To be honest, I don’t really know why you would want me as your mate - I know that we’re fated, but if we weren’t…you’re the beta to a good pack, and I’m just someone who ran away from home. Someone who couldn’t even do my job properly, and instead of trying to fix anything, I just…ran away. So I don’t see how you would ever want me, if we weren’t fated.” I don’t meet his eyes, instead vouching to simply stare at the grass in front of me.

“Oh, Caro…” Myles' voice is soft, his gaze kind as per usual - never judgemental, never harsh. Only ever caring and understanding. “I think you asked me the wrong question…it’s not how could I want you if we weren’t mates…it’s how could I not want you? Caro I don’t think you understand how sweet and gentle and lovely you are. I love how we can talk about anything, I love how brave you’re being in opening up to me, and even doing things like this,” he squeezes my hand lightly, smoothing his thumb over the back of my hand.

“I know that we don’t know a whole lot about each other yet - it’s only been a week of talking, but we have our whole lives to catch up. We can go as fast or as slow as you like - I just want to be by your side through it,” Myles continues, his hand still gently touching mine. Chewing on my lips, a scary thought looms in my mind. 

“You know that to mate though, wolves have to- you know. Sleep together. And I couldn’t even do that, so we couldn’t- we couldn’t even complete the mate bond,” I whisper. Myles gently touches my cheek, guiding my eyes up to his. 

“Caro, you aren’t the first asexual wolf in the world. Of course there are ways to mate for couples like us. Yes, during sex is the most common and traditional way to mate, but it isn’t the only way. To mate, the only requirement that has to be met is that the wolves’ souls accept each other. It usually happens during an intimate moment, but that can be physical or emotional. So…if you ever did want to complete the mate bond, then we could. Just- just so you know.” Oh my god. How did I never know that? I had always been told that when I eventually met my mate, I’d have to push all my asexuality behind me and just put up with it for the night, until the bond is complete. And then I was attacked by the rogues, and I knew that there was no ‘pushing it behind me’ or ‘putting up with it’. But this…this changes everything. And what did he say? Couples like us? Why do those words make me so- so happy?

“I- I need time to think,” I announce suddenly, standing up and letting go of Myles' hand. Turning to look at him, I offer the best smile I can muster. “Thank you for telling me that, I had- I had no idea. To be honest…there’s some of my past that I have to tell you at some point, and if you hear it and decide that you’re alright with- with all of me and all my extra baggage, then…then we’ll just see. Goodbye, Myles,” I say softly, my smile a little sad as I walk away from my soulmate. I just need to think about this. I need to decide if I want to mate with Myles - my heart already has its answer ready, but my head needs to come to the same conclusion. And I’m not so sure that it will. On one hand…I really like Myles. He’s kind and brave and gentle and understanding; he wants me for me and he’s prepared to wait and go at my speed, and he’s careful and thoughtful and sweet but I- Would I be ok? Say I did complete the mate bond - would I be ready to move to his pack? Not straight away, definitely not. Not around that many other wolves. I just…don’t know what to do. But I do know how I can help myself figure it out.

—————

Smiling as I open the door to reveal Atticus, I pull him into a hug virtually the moment he steps across the threshold.

“Hey, Caro. You said you wanted to talk?” He says softly, hugging me back tightly, before taking a deep sniff and pulling back. “You smell like a wolf - and one I don’t know. That’s pretty unusual,” he states, raising an eyebrow curiously. Nodding, I pull him further into my home.

“That’s actually what I wanted to talk about. Last week, I met my mate. And the other day, we had lunch together,” I explain, sitting down on the sofa next to my best friend. Atti hops on the spot for a moment out of excitement, before sitting next to me.

“So? What’re they like?” He prompts, taking both of my hands in his and squeezing gently. Feeling a silly little smile crawl onto my lips, I squeeze Atti’s hands in return. 

“His name is Myles, and he’s the beta of a nearby pack. Ceyden knows him and they seem to get on well, so it’s a bit of a- character reference, if you will. But Myles is so sweet and lovely and I love spending time with him, and he’s even ok with me being ace and everything. It almost feels too good to be true,” I admit, feeling sad at the thought of it not being real. Atti’s expression softens and he pulls me into a hug, squeezing me before letting go. 

“You told him about everything? He sounds so nice.”

Shaking my head, I lean back on the sofa cushions. “Not exactly - I haven’t told him that they- you know- but…I told him that nothing could ever happen between us like that, and he even told me about how to complete the mate bond without having sex! I didn’t even know that was an option,” I confess, thinking back to everything that Myles said. We’ve texted a few times since I saw him last, but I think he can tell that I need a little space to figure everything out.

“Really? I didn’t either- like I knew there must be a way, but it hadn’t even occurred to me. Do you think you ever will tell him about what happened? You absolutely don’t have to, but if you wanted to…” Atti trails off, resting his cheek against the back of the sofa and turning to face me better.

“I will tell him, but I want to go talk to him when I know whether I should mate with him or not. I want to figure out my feelings first, and then make an- informed decision, I guess.”

Atti shifts in his seat a little, drawing his knees up to his chest. “You aren’t sure if you want to mate with him?” Shaking my head, I let out a little sigh. 

“I know I want to mate with him, but it’s whether I should or not. I mean, he’d probably want me to move to his pack with him, right? And although maybe it would be nice to be part of a pack again, I’m not sure I could- you know, be around that many other wolves, all at once, all at the same time.” Atti nods in understanding, letting out a small breath of air. 

“I know how you feel, and it is a hard choice to make. But what if you split that into two different things? You could mate with Myles, but not go to his pack? Or just- not yet, anyway? I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” 

Slowly nodding, I grab my phone. “You know what? I’m going to ask him right now.”

Atti lets out a shocked laugh, before cuddling up on the sofa next to me and watching as I type out a message. I want to mate with Myles. I really like him, and I think that with time, I’ll easily fall in love with him. But whilst I’m comfortable with Myles himself, I’m not ready to be around his pack. So, if we can just take this in stages, then…

This could work.