Chapter 14

-Caro-

Willing choosing to be around more wolves than necessary is a completely foreign concept for me; something I never would have done before I met Myles. But when he invites me to the annual dinner between his pack and Ceyden’s, it doesn’t take me long to agree. It’s been a while since I visited him at his pack during the storm and Myles assured me long ago that Tex, the wolf who was rude to me, has been properly reprimanded. So it’ll be good to visit Myles’ pack again, when I’m more likely to have a positive experience. Plus, Ceyden, Riya, Atti and Blake will be there anyway. Xabien and Myles too, of course. 

But then the day of the dinner crawls around two weeks later and suddenly I’m rethinking my decision. Atti and Blake came over so that we can all drive together to the pack house and car share. Atti reassures me about every last thing, bless his beautiful soul.

“You’ll be completely fine, we’ll all be right there next to you and you won’t have to talk if you’re feeling unable, those boisterous alphas will have enough words for all of us. You can sit between Myles and me, and if a single wolf makes you feel even slightly uncomfortable, I’ll personally rip their head off, ok?” He squeezes my hand, an encouraging smile on his lips.

“Just think about Myles. You’re there to see him so you can ignore everyone else,” Blake chimes in. I don’t even know what I’m worried about…freaking out in front of everyone, I suppose. I just…I don’t want to mess this up. Myles has been so patient and understanding and there’s just only so much of me and my baggage that he can take, surely? And if I for whatever reason was feeling triggered tonight, in front of his whole pack, then…

Surely Myles is going to get tired of me eventually, right? I know he loves me and I don’t doubt that for a second, but I just don’t understand how anyone could be content in his situation. I’m not ready to move to his pack yet, so we are only able to see each other a couple times a week, sometimes only once a week when we both get really busy. And when we are able to see each other, sometimes I’m nonverbal or I can’t be touched. And we’ve still only kissed a handful of time. How can Myles not be wanting more? I know I want more, but that’s just greed that I can’t even follow through on - I can never bring myself to initiate kisses with Myles, and on the rare occasions I do, it’s always over after a peck on the lips. Is Myles just so used to me being unable to give him these things - joining his pack and the physical side of things - that he’s given up on them? Does he think I’ll never live with him? 

“Caro? What’s going on?” Atticus asks gently, squeezing my shoulder to get my attention. I completely zoned out and spiralled. Opening my mouth, a tired little sound is all that escapes.

“I’m worried he’d going to get bored of me and all my problems one day. I just…” I drag in a shake breath. “I love him so much and I don’t want to ruin things, but I feel like I’m constantly passively ruining everything by not- not healing fast enough. It’s already been such a long time since we met, and yet I’ve barely made any progress. It’s pathetic,” I admit, covering my face with my hands. Atticus pulls me into a hug and rubs my back reassuringly. 

“I promise you, that will never happen. That man is head over heels for you, Caro. He feels so incredibly lucky just to be by your side; I know it. Plus,” Atti pulls back from me, frowning as he takes me by the shoulders and shakes me gently. “Don’t talk about yourself that way. You have come so far since meeting Myles, due to his presence undoubtably but it has all been your hard work. There’s no timeframe for healing, because the process never ends. We just keep going and we don’t give up and we ask for help when it’s getting too hard, ok?” 

Melting against my friend, I let Atti and Blake hold me up as I sob into Atti’s shoulder. He’s right; I know he is. I just…I want to be fixed already, even though I know that isn’t possible. I just…I want to feel normal.

We make it to the dinner a little late in the end. I contemplated calling Myles to cancel - he would’ve understood, I know, but…I didn’t want to disappoint him. So here we are. Atti made me promise to talk to Myles this evening about my worries. We’re invited inside and led to the main hall by a wolf I recognise as Hibbi, and my eyes quickly land on my mate. He is talking animatedly with Ceyden and Riya as Xabien laughs at something my mate just said. The sight warms my heart immediately and my mood starts to lift as Myles looks in our direction, his eyes meeting mine. He hops up from his seat and envelops me in a big hug, practically lifting me off my feet. I let out a little giggle at his antics, happy to see him in such a good mood despite our late arrival. 

“Sorry we’re late!” Atti exclaims, giving his brother and best friend a hug. Riya squeezes him tightly before going back to resting her head on Ceyden’s shoulder while Blake exchanges pleasantries with Xabien. 

“Everything ok, my love?” Myles asks quietly, squeezing my hand. Giving him a small, if a little strained, smile, I nod. 

“Now I’m with you, yes. Is it ok if we talk later though?” 

Myles instantly nods, but he looks worried now. “Does it have to wait? If it’s something upsetting you, I don’t want you to have to sit through a meal while feeling like crap?” 

Shaking my head, I squeeze his arm lightly. “I’ll probably get emotional again so I’d rather have a nice dinner with you all. I was thinking it might be ok if I um. Stayed a little later than the others?” I ask, hoping he gets what I mean. Myles instantly nods, bringing my hand up to his lips to kiss my knuckles.

“You’re welcome to stay the night, if you think you’re up to it?” He suggests and I smile softly.

“Perfect. Now, I’m quite hungry so I think some dinner is in order,” I keep my tone light and jovial as I lead my mate back in the direction of the table. We deserve a nice and fun evening with our friends.