Why wouldn’t they turn off the alarm? I didn’t want to wake up. There was no point in getting up since I was going to spend another day locked in my room. Sitting up, I rubbed my eyes. I left the window open last night. Maybe that was why I slept so well. It was always so hot in my room. With a groan, I made my way to the bathroom. I was starting to get used to having any marks on my face. I liked it better. One of these days, I hoped that all my tattoos would be gone. I definitely wouldn’t get any for fun like some of the guards.
After using the bathroom and showering, I used a towel to dry my hair before combing through it. The tattoo on my lower stomach was drawing more attention than usual. Watt had acted so strongly to it. I didn't care. That one didn’t hurt. I felt I still looked like a man should. I wasn’t going to be mistaken for a child. Strength-wise, I was too strong, so it wasn’t a big deal. Maybe it did matter for the other aster categories, but I was fine with how I looked.
Holding a towel over myself, I gathered the dirty clothes and put them in the basket by the door. I took some clean shorts from the bin next to it and slipped them on. Going to the window by my desk, I could see the people in the garden below. I wish there were a bigger ledge to sit on.
I started to move all the things I had on my desk before dragging it in front of the window. After grabbing my pillow, I laid across it and watched everyone go about their day. Their appearance made it easy to tell the soldiers from the asters. The soldier also walked closer to the wall that surrounded the institution.
Taking in a deep breath, I slowly let it out. Even if I was allowed to leave my room by myself one day, I couldn’t go far. It was simply trading one prison for a slightly bigger one. Walls would always contain my life.
Singing came from Hellana’s room. It didn’t sound very good on some parts. I couldn’t tell her that without her finding out that I could hear her through the wall. Listening to people’s voices was rather relaxing, so I’d just have to put up with her lousy singing.
***
Astrid stood in the doorway. “That fucking bastard.” She marched over to where I was lying across the desk. “He didn’t?” She checked my arms, cursing under her breath. “He thinks he can mess with my seals whenever the hell he wants. I’m not putting up with this shit.” She dragged me onto the floor. “Sit.” She pointed to the bed and went to the control panel. “Get Watt. Send him to Eiko’s room now.”
“I’ll relay the message,” said a voice.
Turning to face me, she folded her arms. “What else did he do?”
“I kept throwing up.”
“I was working on a solution! I told you that.”
“Whatever.” I fell onto the bed. “Argue with him. Not me.”
Astrid bristled at the comment. “I’m guessing you didn’t argue when he removed them. Hmm…? How big of a fight did you put up knowing the dangers of removing seals?”
“I was throwing up.” I slapped my arm down beside me. “Your seals were shit.” I met her gaze. “You can ask Watt about it when he gets here.”
She sucked her cheek, looking rather unimpressed. “Look at you making friends. You might want to think twice about that.”
“Fuck off.” I rolled away from her. “You all annoy me.”
“Fucking brat.” She slammed her hand onto the panel. “Where is Watt?!”
“He’s on his way and should be there shortly,” replied a voice.
“I’ve had enough of this. I run this place. I’ve been raising destructives for over twenty years. I know what works. Not some punk-ass kid. I’m going to tell Mayer to take him back.”
Footsteps sounded down the hall.
“You,” said Astrid, marching out of the room. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“You asked me to come meet you?” he replied with an unimpressed tone. “So here I am.”
I smiled to myself.
“Those seals were put on him for a reason,” stated Astrid. “They remember Eiko when his emotions are acting up and to get a hold of himself.”
“Yes, I looked through your notes. That was the intended purpose, but the seals were flawed, so I removed them.”
I heard a slap and sprang upright. Were they actually fighting? Watt was holding his cheek. I sat frozen—that was new.
“You can go fuck yourself.” Astrid glared at him. “Stay away from my work.”
“Do better work, and I won’t have to correct it,” he replied, narrowing his gaze.
Astrid appeared shocked. “You’re done here. I’ve had it. I’m going to call General Mayer right now and let him know what you’re doing. You’re going back to the front where you belong. You have a habit of meddling in shit, so fucking up prisoners’ minds is a perfect job for you.”
Watt leaned in. “Have you ever been to the front? You pride yourself on being the best manipulator of black tattoos. I’m sure Northern Pagora could use a talent like yourself. Oh wait, I forgot, you've been too busy abusing children.” He lowered his head to her level. “Asters like you disgust me. I’m embarrassed to say we belong to the same classification. So, tell Mayer I removed a couple of bad seals. He’s already started to doubt your abilities. I’ll be happy to explain the flaws in your work and the damage being caused to his most prized aster.”
Astrid went to reply but started to laugh instead. “Look who’s playing the tough guy. Keep at it, Watt. But I’ll still be here long after they ship you off.” She hummed and walked past him. “Too bad I hadn’t been the one to raise you. I would have made sure the puberty blocks kept getting put back on you. I heard you were a bit upset about a particular seal.” She scoffed. “If you’d excuse me, I have children to abuse, so I’ll leave Eiko to you.”
Watt rubbed his cheek and entered my room. He stopped in the doorway and took a deep breath. “So, how are you?” His face had a purple tint to it.
I shrugged. “I slept well.”
He laughed to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What a woman.” Watt noticed my desk. “Rearranging?” He walked to it and peered outside. “The children are playing tag by the looks of it. Did they ever let you play games when you were younger?”
“A couple of times.”
“Wow, Astrid might have a heart. A blackened, shriveled-up heart, but it does exist.”
“Well, since I’m here, why don’t we finish up.” He went to close the door before coming to sit on the bed.
“Finish what?”
Sitting cross-legged at the end, he faced me. “Psychotherapy.”
“I don’t—” I gripped the blanket beneath me, pressing against the headboard. “What does that mean?”
“It won’t hurt.” He moved forward. “I’m simply going to take a look into your mind.”
My heart was pounding—look into my mind?!
“Eiko, breathe.” He touched my knee. “It’s nothing bad. I look for emotions, feelings. So, I understand what you’re going through. It’s nothing invasive. I can’t read your thoughts.”
“But Hellana said you can read minds,” I replied, breathing heavily.
“I can’t read minds, and I’m not here to force you to divulge all of your secrets. I wouldn’t do that to you.” His hand approached my face.
I knocked it away and bolted to the bathroom. Hunkering between the toilet and the wall, I could feel myself getting worked up. I needed to calm down before I accidentally broke something.
Watt didn’t come immediately. He slowly wandered into the bathroom and sat on the floor a few feet from me. “Are you scared?”
I rested my head on my knees and hid my face behind my hair.
“It’s okay to be scared. When I would help with interrogations, I was always scared of what I’d hear. They weren’t the best people; their emotions and feelings reflected that. A lot of anger, a lot of fear.”
My breathing was getting more ragged.
“What are you afraid of, Eiko? Is it me?”
“No,” I muttered as tears started to fall. “I don’t want to feel.”
He shifted his weight. “That sounds like something Astrid taught you.”
“Emotion leads to pain,” I whispered.
“Sounds like a Northern Pagora mantra. Soulless soldiers sent to die would be another.”
I tried to hide that I was wiping my face from him. “I want to be left alone.”
“Yet, you're desperate for human contact,” he whispered.
“No,” I stated. “You’re wrong. Leave. Get out of my room.”
“You had a panic attack when the windows were removed. You moved your desk so you can watch people, and even though we annoy you, I get the feeling you like to listen. Maybe not have a conversation yourself, but listen to others. I noticed that whenever I’m around and talking to someone, you pay way more attention than when I talk to you directly.”
“Can you leave?”
Watt shook his head. “Not today. We’ll sit here until you're ready. No rush.” He closed his eyes. “Who knows, this might be my last day here. Astrid might get her way.”
The sink was dripping. It was the only sound except for the faint noise from outside. The panic was starting to fade the longer we sat. I slowly stood and watched Watt. He didn’t move. I turned off the faucet and returned to my spot.
He smiled. “I was about to do that.”
Time passed, and I was content sitting there all day. The children yelling outside was enough to keep me entertained. Watt started to hum, rocking his outstretched foot from side to side. He was better than Hellana. It wasn’t bad to listen to. His eyes opened, and Watt let out a sigh. It hadn’t been too long, but maybe he was giving up.
He peered into the bedroom. “Do you draw?”
I sat straight up. He started to crawl toward the bed.
“No!” I jumped to my feet and dove over him before he could get there. “They’re private. Get the fuck out.” I gathered the stack of papers and retreated to my desk. Opening a full draw, I stuffed them into any place I could find. I glanced back to see him looking at the ones I missed. My stomach dropped.
“Those are mine.” I snatched them from him. “Get out.” I shoved them out of sight and went to the bean bag.
“They were good,” he said, sitting on the bed.
“Leave.”
Watt chuckled. “I was being honest.”
“Now,” I replied.
“I can’t remember. We’re not done yet.”
I breathed out through my nose. Standing, I marched over and sat in front of him. “Do it and get out.” The only emotion he was going to find was anger and annoyance.
“Maybe I will wait until tomorrow.”
“Now!” I grabbed his hands. “Do it and leave. I don’t want you to come back.”
“Alright.” He clasped my face and ran his thumbs across my forehead.
Everything melted away. I felt weightless, and my body sank to the floor. He followed me down. It felt nice. All the stress and anxiety was gone. Maybe having Watt around wasn’t bad. I could stay like this for the rest of the day, trapped in a soothing darkness.
I felt something run down my face. My eyes flickered open. I was sitting up, and the tension returned as my heart rate quickened.
“It’s alright.” Watt tightened his arms around me. “This is normal.”
I pushed away from him, and he let me go. Staring at the man, I felt confused. Why was he looking so sad? A tear dripped off my chin. Cursing, I turned away from him and wiped my face. I cleared my throat and rose to my feet. Going to the desk, I climbed on top and laid down, facing the window.
Watt stood and walked toward the door. “I’ll be going. I’ll come and check on you tomorrow.”
The door opened and closed. I quickly rubbed my face to hide any evidence. I shouldn’t have let him touch me.
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