I,  Penelope

By 

Amanda Hamlin

Chapter Two

The Touch

Part 1

My nerves are all on edge as I set out dishes of tortilla chips and cans of soda on my living-room table, poking the cans until they form a perfect line.  There's a neat stack of plates next to them along with a pad of paper and a cup of pencils.  At a right angle to the couch is a big armchair which is going to be my Dungeon Master's "throne."  On the end table next to it, I have all my special secret books and notes and my set of dice.  Sven and Robert both agreed to bring their own dice so, hopefully, I won't have to share.

Everything is going insanely well.  All three of the other people agreed to come, although Mike can't be here today because he has a dentist appointment.  Jeff is the first to get here and starts creating an elven ranger.  Soon, Robert arrives and decides to be a human warrior.  This pleases me because warriors are my favorite character class.  I hope that I can persuade Sven to be a priest, so the group will have healing abilities.  But, when he arrives, he says he wants to be a wizard.  

"Please, not that," I groan.  I hate wizards.  There are hundreds of spells in the back of the rule book, and I don't know what a quarter of them are supposed to do.  How can I possibly pretend I know how to be a Dungeon Master while dealing with that.  But Sven refuses to back down.  Then, to make matters worse, Robert takes a copy of the supplemental spell encyclopedia, which I've never even seen, out of his backpack and passes it to Sven. 

"Oh, I also have two trained rats," Sven announces.  "Their names are Bobby and Tommy, and I will keep them in my belt pouch."  

"Fine," I snap.  I don't want to argue, and trained rats seem pretty harmless.

Soon, we get tired of waiting for Linus and begin.  The adventure starts in Robert's hometown.  Sven is traveling through, and Jeff is hiding out in the forest nearby.

"You see a band of scruffy men coming along the road as you are working in your fields," I tell Robert.  "There are about four of them.  They are wearing armor and carrying packs and they seems to be heading straight for your farm."

"I put down my hoe and strap on my sword before I go out to meet them," he replies.

Sven giggles.  "What were you doing with your ho before you put her down?"

Robert glares at him.  "It’s a piece of farm equipment," he snaps.

"Yea, Sven."  Jeff smirks, elbowing him in the ribs.  "Don't you know anything?"  Jeff looks like he didn't really know what a hoe was either.  I feel my face grow hot.  I hate this kind of sexual joke because, to me, sex, or the nebulous concept that passes for sex in my sixteen-year-old mind, is not a joking matter.  I do know how the physical mechanics of sex work, but I choose to ignore them.  Who cares?  In terms of physical mechanics, sex isn’t really that different from sticking a pencil into a pencil sharpener and what’s so interesting about that?  It’s what goes on in the head that makes it important, and they don’t teach you about that part. Thank god, Robert is pissed, not amused.  I decide that I don't really think much of Kendra's lover and make a mental note to remember the incident so I can make fun of her about it later.  

Predictably, the men antagonize Robert, and he attacks them.  Sven "just happens" to be walking by and joins in.  Jeff was already following the men because they killed his favorite bear.  In the middle of the battle, Linus finally arrives. It takes less than five minutes for the others to brow beat him into playing a priest and then for him to create the character and join the battle.  They win the fight, but two of the men escape into the woods.  As he is dying, the leader tells them that Master Garenmoth will make them suffer when he finds out what they've done.  So, now they are trying to track down the escaped men before they can reach Master Garenmoth, whoever he is.  I'll be honest, I don't really know myself.  The name sounded sufficiently threatening, so I used it, but I never bothered to decide what Garenmoth actually does that makes him so scary.  I'll make sure they don't actually meet him for a few weeks.  I should have thought of something by then.  

By the time the game breaks up--right after Jeff gets everyone lost in the forest-- I'm exhausted, but I feel so good.  Yes, Sven was annoying, and Jeff and I got in a fight about the rules for his tracking skills (actually I forgot what they were).  But, on the whole, everything went well.  Yes.  I can do this.

***********

Kendra and I are eating from a large bowl of nachos.  "I think we should have put more cheese on them this time," I say, nibbling the end of one critically.  "More cheese and less beans."

"I don't know, this cheese is salty," she says as she puts her feet up on the couch.

"So, we should have used better cheese, not less."  For once, we've agreed on a movie to watch.  It has ancient prophecies and sword fighting, which I like, and lots of shirtless guys, which Kendra likes.  Right now, the hero is in a bath getting waited on by a couple of harem girls.  Kendra is rambling on about the scene, so I assume she's enjoying it.  But, gradually, I become aware that she's relating it to Sven and I politely suppress my gag reflex and am careful to stop listening. 

            Sometime later, after the hero's put his clothes back on, she pokes me.  "Penelope, how was your week?"

"You don't want to know," I say, not quite sure whether I feel teasing or resentful.

"I take it that means you were playing Dungeons and Dragons.  I don't need a detailed summary but I hope you had a good time."

"Pretty much.  But your lover was a massive pain, as usual."

"I'm not responsible for him," she says, like she's offended but, at the same time, she gets that look again.  "No one can control him," she murmurs, and I quickly register the location of the bathroom so I can get there fast if I'm about to lose my lunch.

"Robert was very clever at solving the complicated puzzle I made up," I say, attempting to save the conversation. Kendra doesn't take the bait and I become vengeful.  "Sven was no help at all.  Less than no help, actually."  Kendra pays no attention and starts launching into one of her moony remembrances about Sven.  I tune out.  I've heard them all so many times before.  It might be the story about the time she wrote romantic/suggestive lyrics from a popular song on piece of paper, folded it up, and told him it was about him.  So, he stole the paper from her during break and they spent a long time fighting over it.  I think she got it back before he read it.  Or, maybe, it’s the one about how they had a phone conversation while she was in the bath.  Or was he in the bath?  Or both of them?  Who cares?  

And then, perhaps, she's remembering the Event itself, the time she just reached out and planted a kiss on him.  I think they were behind the shelves in the back of the library.  And then, the next day, they hid under the stairs and kissed again…for a…long…time.  If I paid better attention, I could tell you exactly how long each kiss lasted and exactly where their hands were at each moment.  I know Kendra's given me the information on multiple occasions, but I can never really listen.  The story upsets me too much.

First of all, I'm jealous.  I know I'm not attractive and if I tried that stunt on anybody, they would push me away.  Second of all, it upsets me because of why I would want to pull a stunt like that in the first place.  I have only one reason, which is to prove someone wouldn't push me away.  I have no desire to kiss for its own sake.  Even Robert doesn't make me want that.  I admire his cleverness and his dignity but the idea of being physical with him is only good as evidence that he likes me.  Hormonally it does nothing.  And I'm already sixteen but I've never felt that kind of desire for anyone.  At the end of eighth grade Kendra was what?  Fourteen?  Thirteen?  God, I'm such a freak.

Kendra finishes her story, I think it was the phone-call-in-the-bath story, and asks me, "What were you saying about Robert?"

"Nothing," I say sadly.  "There's nothing to tell."

*********

     D and D is still going well.  I have decided that Garenmoth is an evil wizard who made a pact with an evil god so he can't be killed unless they perform a special ceremony using certain magical items.  Having them try to figure out what those items are and then run around trying to find should keep them busy for months.  Robert extracts a very watered-down version of the above from some frightened peasants.  But, in the meantime, the man they were following escapes.  

            “You idiot,” Jeff yells, swatting Robert on the arm.  “Look where your time wasting has gotten us now.”

            “What's the big deal?” Robert fastidiously smooths his shirt sleeve.  “That guy was a nobody.  I'd much rather go after the wizard himself.”  The others quickly realize that he's right and agree that the wizard is more likely to have good treasure.  As they journey on, they proceed to divide up the things they're sure to find in his lair.  This makes me sulky, and I make a note to include lots of cursed items.  In the next town, Robert goes to the local church to continue his investigation.  With his exceptionally high charisma score he's able to persuade the monks to grant him an audience with the head abbot.  Said abbot is rather self-important and not particularly pleased about being disturbed.  

            But Robert knows how to handle this type—perhaps because they're so similar to himself.  So, he takes several minutes to sooth the high priest's tempter by complimenting him on the town and the rare pieces of art in his temple.  The other players begin to fidget but Robert sees no reason to hurry for their benefit.  He insists on continuing his monologue until I've rolled the most favorable reaction possible for the abbot.  It only takes five tries.  But the tactic pays off because he's now willing to tell them whatever they want.  So, Robert begins explaining about the situation with Garenmoth.  This also takes a long time. 

            “I want to cast a spell,” says Sven, unable to contain his impatience any longer.  

            “There's no need for that,” Mike objects.  “The guy is already helping us.”

            “How about a 'know alignment' or 'detect truth' spell?” asks Linus. 

            “But we don't have any reason to distrust him.  That might just cause trouble.”

            “Besides, Sven's character doesn't know how to cast any of those spells,” I point out sternly.  

            “I just want to cast...”

            “Can we please get back to the important information I was about to uncover?” asks Robert, and I'm only too happy to focus my attention on him again. 

            “The abbot tells you that he has searched the library many times but can find no mention of Garenmoth's weaknesses.  However, he has found many references to an item of great power in a nearby swamp and that...”

            “I cast 'cantrip' to make...”

            “No, you don't.” Robert glares at Sven.

            “I have it written down that I have it memorized and have all the components so you can't stop me.” 

            “Just hold on,” I say, starting to feel the onset of a headache.  “One at a time.  Let me resolve Robert's action first.”

            “I encourage the priest to continue his story.”

            “He nods and tells you that there is...”

            “But I want to cast the spell during the conversation.”

            “Fine then.”  I'm really starting to lose patience.  “Where are you aiming your spell?”

            “I want to make the priest's robe smell.”

            “You moron,” Robert snarls.  “I'm in the midst of getting valuable information here.”

            “It's okay,” I try to reassure him.  “He hasn't noticed yet, so he goes on telling you that the swamp is rumored to be guarded by a giant...”

            “Roll to see if he's noticed it now,” Sven cuts in. “By the way, I make it smell like rotten meat.”  

            I throw the dice on the table.  “Yes, he does, in fact, notice that he now smells like a sausage that's been left out in the sun too long,” I say with over exaggerated drama.  “Are you happy now?”

            “Yes.  I laugh at him.”

            “I punch Sven,” says Robert.

            “Excellent.  Since he's not expecting it, you automatically win initiative. Go ahead and make your attack roll.”  I hand him the dice.

            “In response I prepare to cast...”

            “No fighting on holy ground,” Jeff shrieks at the top of his lungs.  Though everyone's ears (including mine) are ringing from his outburst, the other players see the wisdom of his point and bring themselves under control.  Then, Robert tries to apologize to the abbot.

            “It's too late,” I say sullenly, holding my aching head with one hand.  “He was so embarrassed that he ran back into the inner sanctuary and refuses to come out.  The rest of the townspeople are highly offended by your profane actions and are now highly unfriendly.”

            “Or what kind of actions?” ask Jeff and Mike in almost the same instant.  

            Robert nods understandingly. “I can't really blame them,” he says.  “Come on.  Let's get out of here.  We've majorly screwed up for sure.”

            “But wait,” cries Mike, suddenly panicked.  “A giant what?”

            “Good luck finding that out now,” I mutter.  Never mind.  Things aren't going very well after all.

**********

--end of chapter two part 1 —

Copyright: Amanda Hamlin

Not to be used by A.I. without permission of the author.

Cover art by Eric Hamlin

To view his portfolio, go to: https://www.instagram.com/hamlin.eric/

Not to be used by A.I. without permission of the artist.

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Also read “Deliverance from the Eye” a short story by Amanda Hamlin, free at https://amandahamlin.stck.me

“Ravenlord,” a short story from the point of view of a woman should be read by all men, is also available at https://amandahamlin.stck.me

The first two chapters of “I, PENELOPE” are now open for free on stick.me and TAPAS

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11/24/23