Forbidden Words (1)

*Just to preface this is a fictional story about fictional people.*

Everyone wishes to leave something behind.  A memory, moral or value, physical object, message, etc…  Sometimes we tend to focus on our future wishing to pursue or push forward faster than we can.  We tend to lose the details of the moment we were in.  Focused on getting to the end.  Only sometimes the end comes too soon.  But it’s never what you expected.

Hi I'm Almana, I'm 20 years old, and I have aquagenic urticaria.  If you don't know what that is, in simple terms I am allergic to water.  It is a strange thing to have I know.  I have always had a pretty minimal life because of this.  I was not born with this allergy, but I do know that I have it now.  I have a few things I can do to help with my reactions such as steroid treatments, and antihistamines.  Though nothing has been found to cure or stop a reaction.  So now I am subject to 5 minute or less showers.  There are apparently people who don't have my condition as bad as I do.  I sometimes have mild reactions to my own sweat at times so I have to be careful of myself even.  I usually stay in my home unless I absolutely have to go outside.  I noticed that after I had developed my allergy I became more of a hermit crab.  I only ever wanted to stay home.  I don't know if it's exactly depression or anxiety.  But, I know it's something. 

I usually stay in my house in light pajamas and watch TV, eat and drink as necessary.  And I bet you're wondering how I drink water to stay hydrated.  Well this may sound silly but water doesn't affect my throat or mouth.  Though I hear that it does for some people.   I was lucky enough to not have to worry about ingesting water.  My mom says I should feel lucky.  But to me never wanting to leave the house in fear of my own life doesn't sound so lucky.  I live in Houston Texas because it's usually a pretty dry climate.  I was originally from oregon but after I turned 11 and was found to have my allergy my family moved us to Texas.  Nothing special ever happens in Texas for me since I'd rather stay indoors and watch anything on tv. 

The other day though I decided to go to the front window of my cozy small townhouse.  And I noticed someone.  I looked out into the blinding light of the sun to see a man leaning against a street light across the street.  His attention clearly, casually, captured in his phone.  His short hair perfectly falling just above his eyes.  His muscular build paired perfectly with his tight t-shirt and baggy pants.  He seemed to be pretty tall but the distance may have distorted the view.  I felt an insatiable and unexplainable call to go out.  Maybe talk to him.  But my anxiety quickly shut down the thought and I closed the curtains.  I decided that the light of the outside world was too much that day.  

Today I woke up and rolled out of bed.  Throwing the covers to the side I grabbed my phone and decided to try to forget that, now, memory.  I let my feet swing off the edge of my bed as I slipped my fuzzy sandals on and opened a text from my bestfriend.  My best friend's name is Mia.  Mia loves to encourage me to go outside and experience the "true beauty" of this world.  Even now that text almost begged me to go out to some restaurant tonight.  I roll my eyes and set the phone down harder than I intended to.  If the real world consists of this allergy I have.  Then it's far from beautiful.  I stand up slowly letting the feeling of sleep roll off of me before moving.  I walk to my closet to pick out one of my many regular t-shirts and sweatpants.  Running my fingers over the hangers I pretend that it really matters what I wear.  Even if I just throw something on.  

After I am dressed I walk out my bedroom door.  Careful to avoid the dresser that always seems to nail me in the arm.  I walk down my small hallway and enter my bathroom.  I hate this room, everything about it.  I look down at my toothbrush and decide to procrastinate.  So I pick up my brush instead.  I brush through my short pixie cut hair as if I really needed to.  I look in the mirror as the brush runs through my hair.  I am ashamed of my image.  I am a heavier set woman.  Not to the point where others glare.  I can admit that most people might not see the problems I see.  But I know I see them.

I set the brush down and look down at my toothbrush.  I pick it up slowly out of the cup it sits in.  I can't help but contemplate why this happened to me.  I turn the sink on to a gentle flow.  I pull out the toothpaste.  Even the smallest things seem so hard now.  I put a little bit of toothpaste on my toothbrush just before putting it under the small stream of water.  I don't keep it there for very long.  I continue to try to let the water drip off just enough that it could make it to my mouth without dripping.  I proceed to brush my teeth being careful to avoid my lips or skin.  I finish up brushing my teeth and continue to clean the brush under the water before carefully putting it away.  

I sigh as I look into the mirror and feel some sort of ashamed feeling.  I turn the light off and leave the bathroom, shutting the door quickly.  I continue to walk down the hallway just a little before I reach the stairs.  I grab the hand rail.  The cold smooth surface sent goosebumps through my body.  I continue to start the journey down the stairs.  Sliding my hand down the smooth surface of the rail my hand catches for a split moment and I wince.  My finger had caught on a small piece of wood sticking out.  I grab for my finger to examine the small spot as I slowly and carefully continue down the stairs.  I continue to walk through the dark living room turning on the light.  The curtains had stayed closed.  I walk through the small living room to my kitchen.  I always kept a small first aid kit in here just in case.  

I shuffle through the drawer and pull out the small red bag.  It had your typical white plus sign on it.  I proceeded to unzip and begin opening the kit.  The first thing to catch my eye is the antihistamines and steroids that I keep here.  I push them aside and grab tweezers.  I zip the bag back up and Pack it back away in the shallow drawer.  I take the tweezers into my living room where I plop on the couch with a sigh.  I turn on a lamp next to the couch and put my finger underneath it.  I try my best to grab the small splinter in my finger.  After about 5 minutes of frustrated scrambling.  I finally got it out.  

I heard my phone ringing upstairs.  I figured it was Mia considering the fact that she already texted me.  I decided to ignore it.  Then my incessant doorbell noise decided to go off.  I dragged myself off the couch to see who was at the door.  For a moment I hoped to see that really cute guy.  I looked in a full body mirror for a second and then realized I hoped it wasn't him.  I'm dressed way too casually.  I grabbed the door knob and gently opened the door.  I saw Mia's big brown eyes glaring at me.  

"Oh uh..."  I didn't know what to say to her.

"Oh uh, is right." She said clearly upset.

"Listen I'm sorry you know I just don't like going out."  I tried to reason with her as I let the door swing all the way.

She pushed past me as she spoke, "So you chose to ignore me and my call?" She paused in the living room as I closed the door.

She stood there looking at me, "Y-Yeah, you know how I am."  I look at her realizing how bad I feel now.  

She sighs as she helps herself to my couch, "We've been bestfriends for 9 years now." 

I sit down next to her trying to pay attention. "I know its just that going outside isn't for me unless I have no other choice." She looks at me giving me a knowing look.

"When will you agree to leave this house with me?" She asks in a more concerned tone now.  "I mean this can't be the life you want to have right?"

Her question irritates me a little, "It wasn't my choice to have this allergy."  I say defensively.

She rolls her eyes, "That's not what I mean." She is a little annoyed with me.  "You can't wait until the circumstances are right to choose to be happy." She left me speechless as she got up and opened my curtains.  The light of the sun flowing into the room showed no mercy for my eyes.

"Shut them!" I plead using my hand to hide my eyes from the sunlight.  

"It's not like you're allergic to the sun." She chuckles.  "C'mon vitamin D is good for you!"  She says trying to sound sweet.

"You really sound like a mom," I say, playing with her back.  

"Maybe I should be your mom," She jokes as she sits back down next to me.  She shuffles in her spot as she looks up at me clearly nervous.

"What is it?" I ask with a smile.

"You still refuse to call your allergy what it is don't you?"  She looks at me almost sympathetically.

"Yeah," I sigh, slumping into the fluffy cushions of the couch.