“A heart of gratitude, that I bring before you.

I trust you as a father…”

She was singing, her head in the clouds, her mind lost in the tunes as her hands glided over the steering wheel. Everything had the habit of feeling just that much better when it was viewed through the filter of a good song. Sometimes, she even wondered if she had the stuff to sing on stage. But whenever the thought came up, it was chased away by the chill of fear and borderline terror that would take its place. She couldn’t even sing with the church band, let alone on stage! As the song switched to “ I Know You're Here” by Mrizu, she let the lyrics wash over her as she pulled into the church parking lot. 

“ I keep waiting all the time, because Jesus is inside me, victory is mine.”

She parked but stayed in the car, with her music still playing, filling the vehicle and blotting out the anxiety and nervousness that had almost swamped her before. There she sat, song after song, deep in her heart and lungs, for almost 15 minutes before she saw people heading into the church. 

She was running out of time…

“God, there’s no better way to say that I love you, than to do what you say, every day…

…. And when my heart’s torn in two, and I’m trying to live for you…”

“ Oh God, I pray… I’m so nervous. I feel like no matter how much I write, think, or say, nothing ever comes out right, and even though I’m trying my best, I always seem to fall short…

…Please help me, God. God, you know what you’re doing, ”

“I choose to trust you now, I choose to trust you…”

“… you come through for me, yes I believe in you, my provider.”

Three songs, it’s already been three songs, that’s like 9 minutes right? 9 minutes since people started going in? 

The anxiety was starting to well up again. Coming alive, like smoldering flames given a fresh breath of air. She needed to go now… 

Go and talk to the pastor… 

“Oh God, please help me…”

She turned off the car, and the sound of the engine cutting off left behind a silence that only seemed to fuel the anxiety. She arranged herself, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the car, heading towards church.

As she entered the building, she was greeted by the people at the front door, and with a quick smile and wave she carried on, not even attempting to strike up a little chatter. She walked into the worship service room and paused before taking a big breath as she stared at the stage.

When the church band started to play, she moved to find a seat before continuing to praise the good Lord. ‘Oh lord,’ she thought, ‘This is still so hard. I know that you want me to do this, it’s something that you tell us to do in your word so there’s not much to doubt about it. But, why was it so hard to get to this point? Why do I feel panicked by simply looking at the stage? Why is it so hard to do the right thing?’

She wished she knew more scripture. 

It would’ve been good to have more ammo in her arsenal against the enemy. Something, something about the armor of God?… But her turn still was rapidly approaching, and it was only now that she realized that they were halfway through the sermon already. 

Already?

‘Oh God please help.’

She could practically feel herself hyperventilating, and a hand coming to rest on her shoulder was all it took for her to almost become undone. She couldn’t stop herself from flinching as she whipped her head around to meet the kind and concerned eyes of the pastor’s wife.

“Are you okay? Do you need a bit of a break?”

“I’m... I'm fine… It’s just stage fright… I’ll be fine though.”

The pastor's wife’s face clearly said, ‘You don’t look fine’, and the added crook to her eyebrow only added to that. “It’s okay, you know. If you aren’t settled in the decision, no one wants to force you to do anything…” 

“No, no I want to do it… It’s… It’s a good thing to do. I don’t even know why I’m so nervous about it! I’ve done many other presentations in front of crowds before.”

…

She knew that the elderly woman’s hand that had started rubbing her back was meant to be a comforting gesture, but instead, all she could feel was her anxiety heightening. She couldn’t even tell the other woman to stop either, what if she seemed ungrateful? What if- 

“Would you like to pray together?” The pastor’s wife asked, “Where two or more come together in prayer, he is there.”

She had already prayed, multiple times at that, but more couldn’t hurt. Right? Maybe? Or what if her prayers didn’t work because she’d made a mistake somewhere down the road that she didn’t know about? 

‘Oh dear God, please search me and know my heart, try me and know my thoughts-’ 

“Oh Father God,” The pastor’s wife started, her hand’s movement, blessedly coming to a stop.   “ Please be here for your children. You can see their anxiety, their struggles. You can see how they try their best, using what they have to bring you glory. Please remind them that your mercies come new each morning and that the peace that you give surpasses all human understanding. Lord, you can see how your child is struggling, if you see fit, please remove the anxiety that they are struggling with, and please restore their soul through your grace. But even if you don’t, please remind them that we don’t fight against flesh and blood, but against the principles and powers of the heavenly places. If doing the right thing was easy, then can we truly be sure that it’s the right thing to do? Because the devil is like a lion stalking around, seeking to cause destruction. The harder it is to do good, the more that we can assume that it’s because the devil is fighting against that good. Because that good that you are doing, or planning on doing, is a threat to the god of this age, the devil. So Lord, I pray, please fill your children with all the strength, courage, and ability that they need, to do your work and your will… Amen.”

The prayer had felt long, so long, and yet it all seemed to happen in only a couple of minutes. Maybe even seconds. The pastor’s wife slowly removed her hand from her back, before gently taking hold of both of her hands and saying. 

“Trust in the Lord, he will sustain you.”

Then, her name was called, and as she thanked the pastor’s wife she rose to her feet before turning and heading for the stage. 

It was only once she was standing on the stage that she realized something important. All of her anxiety… was gone. And while she still felt drained from it. She also felt refreshed in a way that she couldn’t explain.

And it was beautiful.

…Thank you God…

She took her script from her pocket and gently unfolded it, smoothing out the corners as she placed it on the pulpit. Turning her gaze to the many expectant faces in the church pews, there and then, she began to share her baptismal testimony…

There and then.

In front of the masses.