Penny received yet another letter from her mother. 

Granted, this one had a much more pleasant tone than the last one. Or at least, as pleasant as a letter from Penny’s mother could get. There was just a certain way about Penny’s mother that spoke of intrinsic evil. The kind that translated into anything the woman did. This included the letters she wrote. 

Of course, that didn’t stop Penny from reading the letter out loud. 

She made an event of it, passing out snacks and dimming the lights for dramatic effect only to bring them back up when she realized it was too dark to read. All of Penny’s lackeys—Tim included—gathered around, most sitting on the floor as the actual seats ran out. Tim would have had a seat on the couch, if Lina hadn’t kicked him out. And so, he was forced to sit on the floor, legs crossed and thoughts of his days in grade school coming back as juice boxes and popcorn were passed around.

Which was probably why Tim didn’t pay attention to most of what Penny said. Really, if she wanted anyone to listen, she shouldn’t have given them food. Tim was too busy defending his popcorn from more than one sneaky hand. 

“I eagerly await the day of my visit, as I wish to see all the improvements you’ve made,” Penny was reading, sounding absolutely gleeful. Granted, it wasn’t often her mother expressed anything close to pride in Penny’s villainous deeds. Probably because she always failed. 

Tim swatted someone’s hand away and turned to glare at everyone who could possibly be the culprit. Which it turned out was anyone within reach. He should have expected as much, considering they were all terrible people. 

“And of course, I wish you luck in the upcoming Jamboree. I’m confident that you will crush your enemies and can’t wait to see you walk over their bodies—merely unconscious, of course, though I was very disappointed at the new rule change—as you claim your prize.”

Penny smiled at that, like her mother hadn’t just expressed disappointment in there being a rule about not killing your opponents. Something Tim was very glad for because they were the ones who would probably get absolutely destroyed. Dying during a jamboree wasn’t really how he wanted to go. 

Still, he was happy for Penny. It wasn’t often she got that kind of encouragement from her mother. Especially since her attempts to impress her mother usually ended up as impressive failures. 

Obviously, this was a big deal. 

Tim was actually surprised Penny hadn’t set up a stage outside, with lights and all. Really make a show out of it. They probably could have gotten Benny to film the whole thing. Thoughts of the mess that would most likely turn into made Tim glad Penny hadn’t bothered.

“Alright everyone, the Jamboree is coming soon, so we really have to get serious about prepping for it,” she said, looking serious and confident for once. “Mother won’t take it well if we fail miserably and honestly, there’s only so much shame I can bring to the family before I’m disowned.” And there went the confidence. 

“Um, I thought we were already training for that?” said Benny, as if he’d been doing any work whatsoever. Tim was starting to think he was faking having a messed up leg to get out of doing anything. 

“That was just to get us all in shape. If we want to crush the competition we’re going to need to do more than that.” There was no chance in hell they came close to winning. 

“So, like, pilates?” 

Tim slowly lowered his face onto his hands at the question. He also sincerely hoped that wasn’t actually Penny’s plan. 

“No, no. It’s not about working out.” Penny paused, looking around at them. Tim thought he might have heard the crunch of someone eating popcorn and the sound of a juice box being drained. “Though if you want to work out, I won’t stop you.” Clearly, she thought they might need the exercise.

That was hurtful.

“We’re going to do some, uh, team building! Yeah, that sounds good,” she said, muttering the last part to herself. Tim was instantly wary. 

Tim was right to be wary.

He wondered where he would be in life if he'd bothered to listen to his gut more often. Wherever that was, he was fairly positive it wouldn’t be hiding behind some bushes while his fellow henchmen were shot down all around him. Tim heard some unfortunate soul scream as they most certainly went down and gripped his weapon tighter as he did his best to make himself smaller. As if he could just disappear if he just hunched enough. 

When he heard someone rush past his—admittedly shitty—hiding place, Tim decided that he had to move. He wasn’t going to let himself be a sitting duck. That wasn’t how he was going down. 

Granted, he’d rather not go down at all, but Tim was a realist at heart. 

Cautiously, he looked around until he was sure the coast was clear. Then, he made a run for it. He was only halfway to a decent hiding spot behind some trees when he saw movement to his side. His gaze moved towards it and, as if in slow motion, Tim could see Lina’s cackling face as she pointed at him, finger on the trigger and eyes holding a wild sort of glee. 

He dove the last couple of feet. Tim could hear the shots being fired past Lina’s cackling. Could swear he felt the paintballs pass by him. For a second, Tim couldn’t help but be glad that Lina was a terrible shot. Even as he realized he wouldn’t quite make it to safety. 

Somehow, Tim still managed to scramble to some cover without getting shot in the ass. 

His heart was racing and he was panting as he struggled not to pass out from the sheer amount of exercise he’d been forced to partake in as of late. There was only so much an out of shape guy like him could take. 

“Tim! I thought you were someone else. Come out buddy. I promise I won’t shoot you,” Lina called out in a sing-song voice. The kind that told Tim she would definitely shoot him. 

“Like you promised Benny you wouldn’t cheat at poker?” 

There was a pause. 

“But that was Benny, I would never betray you.” She would. Absolutely.

Still, Tim didn’t fancy the idea of getting stuck behind a tree until Lina lost whatever shreds of patience she had left and came up with some scheme to shoot Tim. Besides, who knew who else could be nearby, just itching to shoot some poor, unsuspecting victim. 

Tim took a second to weigh his choices. Briefly, he wondered whether he could beat Lina if it came down to speed. Besides, he was usually the better shot between the two of them. All those zombie shooters had taught them that much. Then again, Lina was horribly competitive and was known to get a boost in skills out of sheer pettiness and a deep desire to win. 

Just as Tim was about to lose hope, he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. There, far enough away that Lina hadn’t spotted him, was Benny. The bright pink headband everyone on team Penny was wearing—which Tim had insisted would not help their team’s odds—was clearly visible through the trees. 

Tim did his best to keep from grinning as he made eye contact with Benny. 

“Right, because you’ve never thrown me under the bus,” Tim called back to Lina at the same time as he raised his finger to his mouth while keeping eye contact with Benny, who nodded. 

“Well, I mean, not literally. That’s gotta count for something.” Tim disagreed. He also figured he couldn’t be too hard on Lina when he was just as much of a dick as her. “Come on Timmy, don’t you trust me?”

Tim wouldn’t trust Lina with a cornchip.

“I gotta say, shooting at me didn’t do much to build up my trust for you,” Tim said. He also motioned for Benny to go around and try to get behind Lina. “Also not great that you’re on the other team,” Tim pointed out rather sensibly. He’d not missed the black headband with a skull on it Lina was wearing.

“I don’t know Tim, I figure our friendship is strong enough to let us overcome our differences and band together to make it out of this training exercise mostly unscathed. After all, you’re my buddy, my pal, my goodtime boy, my sweet cheese. We’ve been through so much shit together. So can’t you trust me this one time, buddy?” Lina said. Tim wondered why she’d never bothered to pursue a career in acting. 

“That was beautiful,” he said, leaning forward a bit to see if he could spot Benny. 

“So you’ll come out?” Tim could just make out some leaves shifting ever so slightly as Benny closed in on Lina.

“Hell no.” 

“Put ‘em up, Lina.”

Tim finally gave in to the urge to cackle when he heard Benny. Slowly, and with his weapon gripped tightly and ready to fire, Tim stepped out from behind the trees. As he’d expected, Lina was glaring at him like she wished she had a real gun. 

“And here you were saying I’m untrustworthy,” Lina said. Tim just grinned.

“Well, you know me. I’m an asshole.” If nothing else, Tim was at least honest about that.

“Drop the gun,” Benny said, stepping closer to Lina. 

For a moment, Lina hesitated, but ultimately did as told. Slowly, she lowered her weapon. And then her lips curled into a smile of pure evil.

Tim saw it coming. Probably because he’d known and worked with Lina for so long. He dove back behind the trees just as Lina dove to the side and rolled for a second before stopping and firing at Benny. He didn’t stand a chance. 

“OW!” Benny cried out. “Fuck! That shit hurts!” Tim bet it did. Which was why he winced as he heard several more shots. Benny yelped in pain and shouted for Lina to stop. There was no mercy. 

A moment later, there was silence. 

“Oh, Timmy,” Lina called in a sing-song tone. A chill ran up Tim’s spine. Briefly, he wondered if this was how he’d die. “I’m hurt, Tim. The betrayal.”

To be fair, Lina should have expected it. They were supposed to be evil. 

“I don’t know if anything will ever help me recover from this. Except, you know, shooting you in the dick.” 

Well then. Now Tim really worried for his continued survival.

“You say that like I planned this whole thing,” Tim said, rather unconvincingly. 

“You’re a scheming asshole and you know it. Now, get your ass out here so I can shoot you. If you’re quick, I promise I’ll only shoot you once.” Tim could have laughed at the blatant lie. Instead, he readied himself, hand digging into his pocket. 

“Yeah, I don’t think I will.” With that, Tim tossed a smoke bomb Lina’s way.

“Dammit!” Lina cursed at the same time that Tim leaped out of his hiding spot. 

He made a run for it even as Lina started shooting at him. Tim couldn’t help but feel vaguely impressed by how close she was getting to hitting him, even past the smoke. 

“Tim! Where the fuck are you!?” Tim almost laughed at how absolutely pissed Lina sounded.

What was not so funny was seeing her finally burst out from the smoke, eyes flashing with unrestrained fury. She raised her gun while trying not to cough out a lung. Tim still didn’t doubt her ability to shoot him in the nuts. 

In desperation, he took cover behind the only thing available. 

“Ow! I’m out already!” Benny cried out as Tim grabbed a still pained looking Benny who’d been on his way back to the others, and shoved him in front of him. Lina shot without mercy.

Tim, perhaps because he had a strong survival instinct—or maybe he really was just evil—took full advantage of his improvised friend shield. He moved towards Lina, pushing Benny forward despite his protests. When he was close enough, he shoved Benny, sending him stumbling into a still shooting Lina. They fell in a heap, pained cries coming from both of them. 

Before Lina could kick Benny off of her, Tim moved in, kicking her gun away and pointing his own weapon at her. 

“And you’re out,” he said. And then he shot. 

“Ow! What the fuck, you shot me in the tit!”

“You have a padded vest,” Tim said, rolling his eyes. 

“Still. Rude.” Tim just snickered as he helped pull Benny off of Lina. 

“You guys are fucking mean,” Benny said, glaring at them both.

“You don’t say,” Tim deadpanned.

“Oh, quit your whining. At least now you get to sit on your ass until this is over,” Lina pointed out. Probably because she knew sitting on his ass and doing nothing was one of Benny’s favorite hobbies. 

“Huh, guess so.” Benny looked a bit cheerier at that. “Sucks for you,” he told Tim. 

“You’re just mad I get to reign supreme over you both after having survived.” 

It was at that very second that Tim got shot.

For a moment, they were all silent, just staring at Tim and the bright blue paint on his back. Somewhere behind him, Susan slowly lowered herself into the cover of some bushes.

Goddamnit Susan.