Fuck, my heart hurt…

I had to force myself to keep walking as I returned to my car. Every single step away from crying Kieran broke something in me and my alpha. But I couldn’t stay. Kieran deserved everything good in this world, so by taking myself out of his life was the best thing I could do for him. I didn’t deserve anything. I didn’t deserve to be the one to take his tears away.

He deserved someone better to do that for him. He deserved a good alpha by his side, not a terrorist who had ruined so many lives. Even if I managed to save the omegas, their lives were already destroyed. How was I supposed to look Kieran in the eyes and tell him he’d saved a man whose fault it was that so many omegas were being used in sickening ways to earn money to buy bombs that were used to kill innocent people?

I couldn’t. I could only offer lies if I stayed with him. It was better for him that I left him to cry alone.

I finally reached my car. I quickly sat in and closed the door, ready to leave this place behind for good. I was never coming back. It was the last time I had to… I had…

I stopped to stare at the steering wheel, the weight on my chest suddenly growing so bad I couldn’t breathe. Like I was being crushed, but from within. Panic set in. Panic and guilt and self-hate and every possible negative feeling one human could possibly ever feel.  

I gasped for air, my heart racing and ears ringing.

My whole life, and everything that was left of it, came down on me all at once at that very moment. I saw myself the way my alpha saw me. I saw the finality of my actions.

I was going to die because of what I’d done.

I was going to die.

There was no other outcome for me. Glen and I were against jomicas, the real ones. At least a dozen of them with better guns and ten times more experience… We weren’t getting out of that place alive. There was just no way… But I couldn’t leave the omegas there and live my life as a coward. I had to try to make things right.

And it would kill me.

It scared the shit out of me. I’d never felt such fear in my life, not even when I ran away from the army, bleeding to death. I didn’t… I didn’t want to die… I was twenty-three years old! I wasn’t supposed to die yet! I was supposed to have a whole life ahead of me!

But what else did I deserve? I’d ruined so much I didn’t have any other way out.

“Fuck…” I gasped, that feeling I was suffocating getting even worse. “Fuck! Fuck!!”

I slouched over the steering wheel, squeezing it hard with my shaky hands. I cried like a little bitch, still gasping for air between my sobs as the weight was growing worse and worse. I couldn’t get enough air… I thought I’d die from this panic…

How was this fair…? Why was I going to get severely punished for trying to fix my mistakes? How was I supposed to know better when every single person in my life had told me there was nothing wrong with my actions? They all told me it was the natural order of life, the ultimate truth! Even my own fucking parents praised me for treating omegas like trash! They told me I had a weak alpha, and I shouldn’t listen to it! It wasn’t my fault! I didn’t know…!

And I should’ve known all along…

I just wanted to make things right again without having to pay that kind of price… But who would forgive me? Who would still be on my side? Not me. Definitely not my alpha. And Kieran…?

Kieran…

I could’ve had a mate… I could’ve had my own omega… When he asked me to stay with him, it sounded like he wanted me to stay to be his alpha… If only I hadn’t seen him and his kind as nothing else but slaves… If only they hadn’t taught me it was the right way of life.

They… True Order… I should’ve seen past the shiny pictures of a better future they’d painted to us with their lies. I shouldn’t have listened when they said omegas were happier under our rule. I shouldn’t have listened when they said everyone else had gone mad and would ruin this world for us all.

At least now I could see the truth. If only I didn’t have to die… But I couldn’t leave them. The omegas. I had to save them, even if it meant my death.

The panic slowly turned back into pain, and I leaned against my seat, closing my eyes. I tried to find comfort in thinking about Kieran, but it didn’t really work when I could only see him crying alone. And I realized… That would be the last memory I had of him. I was never going to see him again.

That hurt.

Was he still sitting alone and crying…? Maybe I should… Maybe something was wrong. Maybe I should go check up on him? I wasn’t fit to drive right now anyway. I had time. It was probably a very bad idea, but… If I didn’t have long left in this world, I preferred spending whatever time I still had watching him. And I couldn’t let the memory of him crying alone be the last one I had of him.

When I got out of the car, I finally calmed. Every step leading back to Kieran felt lighter and lighter, and suddenly I was already standing outside his house.

But Kieran wasn’t outside anymore, and the lights in the house had gone dark.

I frowned, inching closer to the street in my hiding place in the shadows. My alpha had completely ignored my panicky meltdown, but now it resurfaced to watch its mate’s house. It listened carefully, and it was certain Kieran was inside. Probably asleep already…

I leaned against a tree next to me, closing my eyes since new tears were burning in them.

I’d never see him again, after all…

I suddenly had so many things I still wanted from this life, and all of them involved Kieran. Everything my alpha had ever wanted, and so many things I never knew I would dream of. But I wasn’t even going to get a new last memory of him, something happier to take with me to my grave.

How cruel… I really had ruined everything before I even met him.

After a couple of deep breaths, and a hell of a lot more tears, I faced the dark house. I couldn’t see a hint of light anywhere, so he had to be asleep. And I wondered… If I couldn’t get a new memory, then maybe finding out what his scent was would give me peace.

I wanted to know what it was…

I didn’t even try to stop myself when I stepped out of the shadows, then crossed the street to the small yellow house. I listened carefully to the sounds around me, but as soon as I was close enough to find Kieran’s scent, I forgot my surroundings. I quietly climbed up on his porch and stopped behind his door. His scent was there, but it was faint. I sniffed the air, trying to find the spot where it was the strongest, but the door blocked most of it. I still kept trying, but… Nothing…

I felt defeated. I wasn’t going to figure out what it was… Not when his scent was so weak…

I rested my head against the door, unable to find my peace. This felt like another punishment. Like I didn’t even deserve to know what my mate’s scent was. Of course… Because he wasn’t my mate.

I should just leave and go die already…

But the door got yanked open. I jumped back in surprise, but then stopped to stand there with wide eyes. My mind was too slow to understand what I saw.

“Trouble…” Kieran breathed out, looking just as surprised as I felt.

But he didn’t freeze. He quickly pulled me into his arms, his hold on me so strong I knew he wasn’t going to let me go this time. And… I didn’t care at that very moment. I hugged him back and buried my face against his shoulder. I was still crying, but his gentle body against mine finally gave me the peace and comfort I needed…

And my alpha was happy again…

“Where did you go? Why did you leave?” Kieran spoke against my shoulder, his voice shivering and his fingers digging into my back as his hold on me grew stronger. “I was… I feared…”

Shit… I shouldn’t have returned… I needed to save those omegas…

“I…”

What could I tell him?

Nothing…

I stood up, sniffing hard, then gently took his hands in mine to force him off me. He stepped back with pain in his eyes, but refused to let go of me.

“I only came to say goodbye,” I told him quietly, trying to keep myself calm, but more tears fell on my cheeks. I didn’t want to do this… “We won’t see each other again. But I… I promise I will do something good with my life. Something you can be proud–”

He didn’t let me finish. No… He shoved me against the wall so hard my healing stomach hurt and handcuffed me.

The bitch handcuffed me!