-Felicity-

I wiped my eyes with my handkerchief as the rental carriage pulled up to the barracks. A few men were loitering out front, but they likely wouldn’t take much notice of me. They weren’t friends nor subordinates of mine. I headed toward the door, but it was my luck that Sir Reid Owen was stepping out right at that moment. The redheaded knight stumbled back a step and saluted before getting a better look at me in the light from inside. “Vice-captain?”

“His Grace’s cat,” I lied. “Insisted I pet it.” It was my go-to lie every time I returned from dealing with Duke Lyon and he’d made me cry. He took better care of that Maine Coon than he did of his own children. He took that damn cat everywhere and hand-fed it treats. I wouldn’t be surprised if he walked into the award ceremony in two days with it riding his shoulders. 

It wasn’t entirely a lie. I picked a few long cat hairs off my coat and flicked them aside. I had indeed spent a good five minutes petting the cat before delivering my report. The cat only liked certain people, and I felt kind of honored that I was one of them. I liked that it detested Felix.

Reid was a good-natured fellow. He accepted my lie with a wince of pity. “Well, wash your face and hands before it worsens, Sir.” He stepped out of my way with a salute. Glad he’d decided not to make a fuss about it, I headed to my room. Closing the door, I leaned my back against it as my fingers automatically set the lock. Rolling my head against the door, I looked at the mirror to my right. As usual, my face had gone all splotchy. It did look like an allergic reaction, at least. Pushing off, I went to the washing dish set beneath the mirror and dipped my hands into the water to splash it across my eyes. Grabbing the towel, I patted dry and stood back. 

To hide my gender, I’d cut my hair short. To hide that I was a Lyon, I’d dyed it black. My father and brother had the distinctive Lyon’s Gold. I didn’t wear makeup and hadn’t gotten any scar-reducing cream to minimize the burns on my right cheek. That was a souvenir from my beloved aunt when she’d thrown hot coals at me for daring to ask for dinner the first night I was there. How did she think she would get away with it if Father had actually come to check on me at least once in the last fifteen years? Then again, she’d grown up with him. She knew exactly what he was like. She knew he wasn’t coming until I was of use to him somehow.

Clenching my fist, I turned away from the mirror and threw myself on the narrow cot.

Duke Lyon had dealt with the war, then returned to the capitol to collect his daughter so he could marry her to the son of his best friend and war buddy. That I was now missing, presumed dead, probably threw a kink in his plans. Admittedly, that was good for me. I didn't want to be married to Cain Middleton. That kid was seventeen and nothing but knees and elbows. He would probably look fine in a few more years, but right now, he looked like a beanpole.

“Wretched bastard,” I muttered into my pillow, heart aching. “I hate him. Why do I want him to notice me?”

Fresh tears stung my eyes, and I turned to dry them with my pillow. Ultimately, I was nothing to Duke Keith Lyon but a useful tool. I'd spent my entire childhood running around the duchy, doing rounds to check on things and pretending I would one day inherit the lands. I asked how the people were. I asked if they needed anything. I always tried to fulfill my promises, but in most cases, there wasn't much a ten-year-old could do, especially when the duke didn't take the words of a woman seriously. I'd had to filter my reports through the chamberlain. He sometimes got positive results, but usually, he did not.

One time, I'd gotten caught. I'd been lectured that running around in pants was not how a noblewoman should act. I'd been slapped. Mother had been slapped for not teaching me better. We had both been sent to our rooms for a month. That was when Mother had started drinking.

Before that, she'd been cold toward me. She hugged and kissed Felix but acted like she did not want me anywhere near her. I never understood why. Felix couldn't answer either. But I'd started to resent him even then. Love was given to him so freely. I only got affection when I demanded it. Mostly, I got reprimanded for not acting like a lady.

I just wanted to be shown love. Was that too much?

Yes. It was too much. This world was full of people who would never be on my side, so expecting them to show me kindness was like expecting the sun to fly backward across the sky. I'd moved past blaming myself for being unlovable, at least. I'd just accepted it. I was not worthy, and I should just get down to the business of surviving, though I didn't know why I even wanted to. All I'd done for the last five years was end lives. All I knew how to do was wield a sword.

Forcing myself to sit up, I took a breath and wiped my face. I’d turned in my resignation, but Duke Lyon had requested that I stay long enough for him to find me a new post. I also had to attend the award ceremony. I was to get a medal of valor for saving the duke’s life again and for wiping out an entire army by myself. If I ran away now, it wouldn’t just be Duke Lyon wasting resources to find and put me to death.

Just two days. Tomorrow, I would look for a mercenary company to join and have that ready. Then, I would get that stupid medal, show up at the ball afterward to greet the king, then slip out and never be seen again. I'd go to a neighboring kingdom if a local mercenary group wouldn’t take me. After all, I was good at disappearing. 

Getting up, I got undressed and went to bed.

Maybe I’d get a little sleep sometime between now and dawn.