Gen did not want to go to work the next day. He didn’t want to leave Mika alone, especially after what had happened the night before. Kana had to work, and she wanted to cancel all her appointments to stay with Mika as well…but it was Donovan, the voice of reason, that convinced them to go. 

“Mika will be just fine,” he said. “Don’t worry so much, okay?”

Mika seconded the sentiment. “I’ll be studying while you’re gone,” he said. “My family doesn’t know where you live so I’ll be safe.” He squeezed Gen’s hand. “Trust me.”

Gen sighed and shook his head. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, I just don’t feel good about it, that’s all.”

“My mom might be under his thumb, but she can keep him on a calm cycle for a while. We just need to give her a chance to do that today. I have to go back tomorrow, no matter what. I have to hope that it won’t be bad when I get there. You have to remember, I’ve been living with this for years. I kinda know what to expect at this point.”

Kana sighed as she took a bite of her pancake. “That’s not going to stop us from worrying, sweetheart.”

“I know,” Mika said. “But I promise, I’ll be fine. Go to work, do what you need to do. I’ll be here with my nose in my books, safe and sound.”

After breakfast, Donovan took Mika out to the porch so they could have a private chat while he smoked. Gen went upstairs to take a shower and Kana left for work, but not before giving Mika a large hug and a kiss on the cheek. She really is a mom, Mika thought with amusement.

“How are you feeling today?” Don asked, pointing at Mika’s throat. Mika rubbed at it and shrugged.

“Better, I guess. My throat is still a little raw but I thought I could just take some lozenges while I’m at school tomorrow if I need to, maybe pass it off as a bad sore throat.”

“You’ve done it before.” It wasn’t a question.

Mika nodded. “I’ve learned how to hide things pretty well, turn something bad into something benign. Comes with the territory, I guess.”

Don nodded and looked out over the yard, lazily smoking, taking a moment to enjoy the warmer weather. The winds had finally stopped and the cold front had passed over the weekend. It would only get warmer from here on out.

“I’m introducing Gen to my friends tomorrow,” Mika said, changing the subject. Donovan looked at him, surprised. Mika smiled. “Not just as my boyfriend, which is going to surprise the hell out of them to begin with, but also to help Gen make some more friends.”

“That’s quite the undertaking,” Don said.

“I got a taste of how difficult it might be when we were at the zoo yesterday,” Mika said. “His anxiety took over and he shut down. If not for my little sister, I think he would have convinced us to leave.”

“What did she do?”

“Related to him.” Mika told him about what happened, and how she had helped him find a new visualization technique to use in public places when he was starting to feel too overwhelmed.

Don was amazed that a little four year old girl had such a fine insight into social anxiety disorders, even if she had no idea what they were. “No doors,” he mumbled, more to himself. Mika heard him anyway.

“When Thomas starts in on a rage, my mom will shut them in their room and close the door so they don’t have to witness it. Or she just sends them to the neighbor’s”

“It’s an enclosed space where she feels safe,” Don said, nodding. “That makes sense.” 

“It’s getting Gen to keep his door open that’s going to be hard,” Mika said. “When he first talked to me, he stammered and mumbled a lot, or just stopped talking all together and ran away. I could tell he wasn’t used to it, that it made him uncomfortable, but he tried all the same. Well, when the tutoring started, he didn’t have much of a choice.” He chuckled. “I had to make sure my lessons were getting through.”

“What do you think your friends will do?”

“Riley will accept him without a second thought. He was a loner in high school so he sort of understands where Gen is coming from. Marcus is just a laid-back guy who goes with the flow. It’s Kelly that’s the hard sell. She already has such a bad opinion based on how he looks, she doesn’t want to see deeper.” Mika shifted. “She also knows more than the other two about my home life so she’s a little protective and guarded.”

“Yet I see you here, not at her place.”

“She doesn’t like getting involved. She’s got her own family and relationship drama anyway, so it isn’t fair to pile mine on top of it.”

“Gen wants this? To re-engage?”

“You sound surprised.”

“It’s been seven years since he’s made any attempts at being a part of the world. He was bullied to the point of complete detachment and, as much as Kana and I have tried, he never made any attempt at making friends. He shut himself off, cultivating an image of intimidation so people would leave him alone. Sort of a self-induced isolation.”

“If they’re afraid, they can’t hurt him,” Mika nodded. 

“More like, he doesn’t give anyone the chance to hurt him. The problem is, it’s created issues in his mind that make it difficult for him to associate with others. Social anxiety is just a small part of it. Depression, self-isolation, anxiety, paranoia, even self-harming behaviors…all the fun parts of having abandonment trauma.”

“But he doesn’t drink or do drugs or–”

“You don’t have to do any of that to hurt yourself, Mika.” He paused and lit another cigarette. “But…and you have to swear to keep this to yourself…I know he did try to commit suicide. Pretty spectacularly, I may add.”

Mika’s eyes went wide. 

“Did you do these?” Gen asked, tracing the vertical scars on Mika’s forearms. Mika had nodded. 

“I didn’t want to continue living with all the pain anymore. My mom found me in the bathtub and took me to the ER. I was fourteen at the time. I had also overdosed on a bunch of pills from Thomas’ medicine cabinet. I don’t know if you’ve had your stomach pumped, but it’s not something I recommend. When I came home from the hospital, Thomas beat me. He said it was for being a little pussy, taking the easy way out. My arms bled for days but I didn’t go back to the hospital. I didn’t try again…especially after he said if I had succeeded, then he’d just go after my mom instead. He’d never touch his kids…that’s one thing he will never do.”

“We found him on the roof of the old power plant, unconscious. He had taken an entire bottle of pills with a fifth of Jack. He probably would have jumped if he hadn’t collapsed first.” Don shuddered. “Scared the living shit out of me,” he added softly. 

“When was this?”

Don didn’t even have to think hard about it. “A year ago, on the anniversary of his mom leaving us.”

Mika’s jaw fell open. He hadn’t realized just how damaging disconnecting from the world could be. He knew of kids who spent all their time online, in their rooms, who didn’t talk to people or rarely went outside. Is that something they had to look forward to? Feeling so lost and alone they felt it wasn’t going to matter if they died anyway?

He looked down at his arms, concealed within the sleeves of his hoodie. There were so many reasons to die, he knew. But so many more reasons to live. It was the hanging-on part until you found those reasons that was the hard part. Living is hard, dying is easy. He knew that phrase very well. 

“Mika, if not for you, I don’t know what Gen would be doing right now. I don’t know if he would continue to self-isolate, or try again. Either way, I can’t spend another three days by a hospital bed, praying for him to live. In just the last month, I’ve seen such an incredible change in him, and I know it’s because of you.” Don put his hand on Mika’s shoulder. “Thank you, kid.”

Mika smiled. They heard heavy footsteps approaching the door and Mika glanced up to see Gen, cleaned up in a black t-shirt, black cargo pants, and black boots, his mohawk slicked back. Mika giggled.

“You look like you’re going to take part in a heist,” he said.

“Every boy’s dream,” Gen grinned. “Unfortunately, I have to earn my money the hard way. Especially since I’m constantly surrounded by cops.”

Don rolled his eyes. “Smartass.”

“What time are you off?” Mika asked.

“Two o’clock. Maybe we can do something after?”

“What did you have in mind?”

“Um..” Gen fidgeted. “I was thinking about going to the mall or something.”

Mika and Don both stared at him. “That’s a lot of people, though,” Mika pointed out. “Are you sure you want to do that?”

“No, but I want to spend time with you so I’m willing to try.”

Don blinked. “Who are you and what have you done with my son?”

“Shut up,” Gen grumbled. “At least I’m trying.”

“Which I’m ecstatic for, but I was expecting baby steps. The mall is a big step, kid.”

Gen looked to the side. “I know,” he said. “But it wouldn’t be right to keep Mika all to myself in the house just because I can’t handle crowds.”

Mika wrapped his arms around Gen’s middle and smiled up at him. “The last thing I want is for you to have a panic attack just to make sure I’m happy. That’s dumb.”

Gen flushed. 

“There’s a park I know about where we can go. It’s open space and not really crowded, even on the weekend. It has a big pond and some food stands all over the place. My mom sometimes takes me and the kids there when she needs to get away from the house.”

Gen seemed to like that idea a great deal better. He relaxed and nodded. “Then let’s do that. If there’s anything you want me to pick up from the store, just let me know.” His expression changed. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay by yourself? Dad’s gotta get to work, too.”

Mika rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Gen, stop worrying about me. I’ll be so busy doing homework, I won’t even notice.”

Don patted Gen’s shoulder. “It’s great you’re such a protective boyfriend, but listen to the kid. He’ll be fine. I’m heading out so you have a good day at work. And you get your homework done,” he said to Mika, giving him a side-hug.

Mika wasn’t sure how to react to that as he hadn’t experienced that sort of fatherly affection before. He just nodded as Don walked away. Gen saw the dazed look on Mika’s face and asked if he was okay. Mika just nodded again, slowly.

“It’s just…I’m not…I don’t…I–”

“Mika, relax.” He put a finger under Mika’s chin, gently tilting it up so he could look directly into his eyes. He smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. “Not every dad is like Thomas. Most dad’s are pretty cool, especially mine. He still hugs me sometimes, too, even if I act like I’m too big for them.” He took Mika into his arms, the smaller teen wrapping his arms around Gen’s neck. “I like your hugs better, though,” Gen said into Mika’s hair.

Mika held on, not wanting to let go. He still was amazed by how Gen handled everything he had learned the night before. Of course he didn’t like it, of course it made him angry. But it wasn’t Mika’s fault it had happened and Gen wasn’t about to ever make him feel like it was.

“I don’t want you to go,” he whispered in Gen’s ear. 

“I can call in if you want me to.” 

Mika shook his head. “No, don’t. I want you to stay but I don’t want you to get in trouble with your job. Besides, we can’t be together every minute of the day.”

“Why not?” Gen asked.

“Because then we’d get sick of each other and I don’t want that. Plus, I need to be okay with being alone sometimes.”

“How did you handle it before?”

“Put on my headphones and studied. It’s not going to be so easy now.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Mostly because,” he grinned and took one of Gen’s earrings into his teeth. “I’ll be thinking of all the ways I can get back at you for yesterday.”

Gen released him, but kept his face close to Mika’s. “I almost didn’t stop,” he admitted, his voice thick. “This is not going to be easy for me, I’m not gonna lie.”

“Not for me, either,” Mika said, kissing his jawline and stepping back. “But you’re not the only one who isn’t ready, not yet. In the meantime, it’ll be fun tormenting you.”

Gen grinned, his sharp teeth white in the bright morning light. He kissed Mika hard before reluctantly letting him go. “I’ll see you later.”