Gen could barely focus on the music in his ear as he stocked the ice cream aisle. Who can possibly eat this much ice cream when it’s still so damn cold outside? His mind kept turning last night’s conversations over and over, alternately pissing him off and depressing him. Depressed that Mika had endured so much shit, pissed that he couldn’t do anything to change it. What had happened, happened, and no amount of soft words and embraces could make it go away. All he could do was be there for him, with him, and show him what real affection and love could be.
Love…
A carton of ice cream slipped from his fingers and he fumbled to catch it. No way, it’s way too soon for that.
But was it? Just because they’re relationship had developed into boyfriends, didn’t mean he hadn’t had feelings for him beforehand. It was just difficult to acknowledge them since he didn’t really know how. He hadn’t just blocked himself off from the world, he had shut off his heart. Tell a boy you like him, get rejected in such an extreme way, and it’s no wonder you don’t want to open up ever again. Even if he did love Mika, and was in fact, falling hard in love with him, there was no way he could tell him, and definitely not right now.
Mika had been terrified Gen would leave him after his confession, and now Gen was terrified Mika would get freaked out and leave him for having such intense feelings for him. He felt stupid for even thinking that way. The two situations weren’t even on the same level and he knew it.
He finished up the section and wheeled his six-wheeler cart and trash to the back. He tossed his trash and grabbed another prepped six-wheeler full of TV dinners and pizza. That’s more like it.
Mika had attempted suicide before, just like he had…and they had both survived. There was something to be said about that, Gen reasoned. There was no way he could tell about his attempt, though. Unlike Mika, he actually had a father that gave a shit. He had never seen his dad cry like that, not even when his mom walked out on them. Kana had of course been pissed off and threatened to kick his ass if he had ever thought to do something so incredibly stupid ever again. She had also hugged him, crawling into the narrow hospital bed and holding him so tightly he thought he would need to get treated for broken ribs. He was one fortunate guy and he knew it.
Mika’s stepfather beat him up and his mother pretended it had never happened. He liked Jo but he was irritated with how she always chose to submit to her husband rather than just do whatever she could to protect her child. Kana had told them that morning how Jo had called her when she was heading back from dropping off the kids letting her know that Thomas threatened to file a kidnapping charge against them all if Mika wasn’t returned home Monday after school. That had really pissed them all off, especially their dad. Don hated it when people used the cops as a weapon. Mika wasn’t even remotely surprised.
Gen finished up the latest six-wheeler, headed to the back and repeated the process twice more before he decided to take a break. Out in the back of the receiving area was a concrete landing most of the employees used as a smoking area. Gen didn’t smoke, but he did like the spot. He sat down with his legs dangling over the edge, and pulled out his phone. He brought up the message string with Mika and tapped out a brief message.
Hey. How romantic you are, Eugene.
The response came quickly. Hey you 😀 How’s work?
Good, keeping busy. There’s two of us here working the freezer today so a lot is getting done.
Do you like it?
It’s better than dry grocery lol
And so the conversation went for another ten minutes or so. When his break was over, he told Mika he’d see him in a couple hours and to call if he needed anything.
Just you. Only you.
Gen’s lips turned up slightly and he stood up, pocketing his phone. As usual, he didn’t notice anyone else was around, and didn’t hear the other freezer guy tell his friend, “That dude can smile?”
-*-
Mika stretched and twisted, popping his back. Damn, that felt good! He put his headphones on the desk and sighed. Finally, all of his homework was caught up. He even wrote out a few more practice problems for Gen just to make sure he was fully prepared for tomorrow’s test. Gen had definitely come a long way with his work over the past month and Mika was confident he would pass the test and raise his average class grade. He could only hope Gen felt that same confidence.
Needing some fresh air after being in the loft bent over the desk for hours, he went downstairs and headed to the backyard. He walked around, looking at all the flowers and bushes, wondering who had planted them. Probably just some landscaping company, he figured. In the corner of the yard by the wall that separated them from their neighbor was a large tree with branches sprouting little green buds. He reached up and touched one, a breeze choosing that moment to come through and blow his hair off his neck and around his face.
He caught the smell of fresh grass and flowers, and he smiled. Spring was finally here, it was finally going to warm up enough to go out again. He and his friends had been planning on going to the lake for Spring Break for weeks and he was excited. Especially now that Gen was joining them. He didn’t think he would enjoy it nearly as much without him. If he was honest with himself, the only reason he had agreed to go was just to get away from the house. Any excuse to escape that place, he took it.
Now, though, things were different. Gen wasn’t an excuse to get away, he never had been. Agreeing to tutor him was something he had wanted to do from the beginning. He had actually leapt at the chance when Professor Ybarra asked him. At first it was just because he was eager to help someone else succeed. Later, it was simply because he enjoyed being around the taller boy.
Boy…yeah, right. His smile faded and he put his hands in his hoodie pocket. Gen was nineteen…he had done the math. Not much older than him, true, but there was still an age difference that some people would definitely not be happy with if they knew. But then, it wasn’t like they had slept together…not yet, anyway. He absolutely wanted to.
He squatted down, resting his arms on his knees, his face in his elbows. He imagined what it would be like having sex…real sex, not what Thomas had done to him. Would it still hurt? Would he still be scared? Would he still escape inside his own head, pretend it wasn’t happening?
Am I still a virgin? He gripped his elbows. How did that even work? Could a rape victim still be considered a virgin? Or was he ruined in that aspect as well? It was one of the several reasons he wanted to wait. He wanted to know that when he went to Gen, it was as his and his alone.
He had researched so much about rape and child victimization, knew that what Thomas had done had nothing to do with love and kindness, it was all about power and control, to make Mika feel the worst pain possible. He couldn’t count the times Thomas had told him it was what he deserved for being disrespectful, talking back, or for being the son of a dead man. He was always being punished for something.
Thomas had loved throwing Mika around, especially when his mom wasn’t there. It had gotten less frequent after Ana was born and Jo couldn’t work anymore, but it hadn’t stopped. Many of the holes in the walls were made by Mika’s body being slammed into them. If he wasn’t going to fuck Mika, he was going to beat him. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to remind him what a worthless piece of shit he was.
Mika had read how it was almost impossible for some victims of abuse to accept being touched, and that some became promiscuous. It was one extreme or the other…he never read about those victims in the middle, the ones who became survivors and were able to move past their trauma and live their lives. Probably because he hadn’t wanted to know. He knew they existed, but he hadn’t cared, not then anyway. He just wanted to live in his pain, be the victim, pretend he was all alone.
Until Gen.
Until those eyes met his and stared right at him, saw him. It was as if he knew Mika was faking it from the start. Gen had told him he’d had a crush on him for months, that he saw and noticed things others didn’t because he was separated from everyone else. Mika would not be the least bit surprised that Gen saw right through his act with his friends.
He was surprised the first time Gen touched him how he didn’t recoil, didn’t feel one ounce of fear. He knew right from the beginning that Gen would never hurt him in any way. He looked intimidating, scary, someone not to mess with, which he really wasn’t if MIka was being honest…but with Mika he was gentle, kind, protective. He was big, and strong enough to lift him over his shoulder, but he never once used it against Mika. While he appeared a threat to others, he wasn’t to him.
Kana had told him how he had pretended to be a strong anime character to defend another kid when he was young and Mika believed it. Gen really was his battle warrior prince.
He chuckled softly to himself and stood up. He looked up at the branches as they swayed in the breeze, enjoying the sound they made as they moved together.
“My mom planted that tree before I was born.”
Mika turned his head to see Gen walking toward him, grinning sadly. Gen stood behind him and wrapped his arms around his shoulders, holding him close.
“It’s pretty,” Mika said, resting his head under Gen’s chin, his hands going to his arm.
“I used to sit out here and stare at it after she left, thinking that if I made a wish on every leaf and flower she’d come back. Of course, she didn't, so I stopped wishing for anything.”
Mika was silent a moment before he asked, “What happened, Gen? Why did she leave?”
“Because of me.”
“That can’t be true.”
“It absolutely is, especially since she said it straight to my dad’s face when she left. ‘Have fun with your little faggot kid, Donny,’ she said.” He dropped his head to Mika’s shoulder. “Of course that wasn’t all it was but, yeah…she left because of me.”
Mika said nothing, just waited quietly, just as Gen had done for him the night before. Gen shifted his head, placing his chin on Mika’s shoulder, and inhaled deeply.
“My mom never wanted a second kid, least of all a boy. Said they were too much work or some shit. Kana she adored. Took her shopping, pampered her, all that. The reason there’s such a gap in our age is because she kept telling my dad she didn’t want any more kids. Kana was her princess, why would she need a second kid to disrupt that? Finally, she agreed and whammo…me.”
He untangled himself from Mika and walked slowly to the tree. “She planted this while she was pregnant with me. Probably as a way to accept a new life, in more ways than one.” He turned and sat in front of it, facing Mika, and leaned against the thick trunk, bringing his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around them. “Dad said that she had begun to change during her pregnancy. She was starting to settle down, starting to be a mom to Kana instead of just her friend.
“At first, after I was born, everything was great. She was a good mom, put me in t-ball and soccer, all the things kids were supposed to do. I hated it but I wanted her to be happy. She was upset that kids were picking on me, but she didn’t really do much to comfort me about it. I think I was around seven or so when she started becoming cold towards me. She didn’t want me around, kept telling me to go away, that I was annoying her, that I was too energetic. I should be in sports, running off all that energy, she always said. She couldn’t understand why I couldn’t be like all the other boys.
“She couldn’t understand my love of anime, either. In fact, she hated it, saying only weirdos and loners who wanted to die virgins watched that stuff.” He looked to the ground, frowning. “She didn’t stop me from watching it, though. She just didn’t like it.” He released his knees, letting them fall into a cross-legged position. He folded his fingers loosely together in the space between them.
“She figured out I was into guys before I did. Not sure how, but she did. I guess it was the only ‘motherly intuition’ she ever had about me. She started calling me names, making fun of me when I cried…” he swallowed back tears as he spoke then took another deep breath.
“Then all of a sudden, when I was about eleven, she changed again. She became a good mom again, loving and affectionate, spoiling me, buying me anime merch, taking me out with her and Kana. Basically, being my mom. And then, one day, when I was twelve, she just left. Told my dad what she did and bounced. Never called, never came back. The only time Dad ever heard from her was through her lawyer with divorce papers.” He looked up into the branches above his head.
“Later I found out she had been having an affair with someone from work and that he had left his wife for her. There were also financial problems that she caused. She liked spending money on stuff, not bills. She took off, leaving behind two kids she never even cared about. Kana realized she had just been an excuse for Mom to spend money and look good to the people around her. Having a little girl was socially acceptable, a son wasn’t. Not to her, anyway. Especially not a gay son.
“I figured she had been so nice to me those last several months because she knew she was ditching me and maybe wanted me to have some good memories of her or something. Or it could have been just to fuck with me.” He shook his head. “I don’t know, and by now I really don’t care. You don’t do that to a kid. You don’t make them believe you care and then abandon them, probably hoping it’ll scar them so badly they’ll kill themselves, leaving one less queer in the world.”
He closed his eyes, one tear escaping down the side of his face. “She was so homophobic, she couldn’t stand having a gay son, and left. Isn’t that sick?” He snickered and shook his head. “I wonder what she would think if she saw me now.” He propped his knee and, resting his elbow on it, covered his face with his fingers, and silently cried. Something he had not allowed himself to do since she had left.
Mika walked up to Gen and sat beside him, taking his hand and laying his head on Gen’s shoulder. He said nothing. He just sat there, holding his hand, and falling in love with him.
-*-
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