The thoughts are getting stronger each day. I haven’t talked to Francine ever since our falling out, and the anticipation of seeing her each day is killing me. I’ve tried to talk to her, or at least build up the courage to go in that room of hers, but I ultimately end up talking myself out of it. The Lion has barely talked to me, and if I'm honest with myself it's making me paranoid. His reasoning for ditching me that day we were supposed to go out to eat, is he had work related stuff to do. I never really am supposed to question him about things so I haven’t. He's laid down ground rules, and work things aren't my business according to him. Anyways, The Lion has said a select few words here and there but we haven’t been out to eat or on a date since.

Ingus wise, I was hoping to see him but seeing as it’s been a few days, I’m assuming he’s not coming back. It’s no sweat off of my back though, I just, this is why you can’t get your hopes up when it comes to men. If it isn’t The Lion letting me down, even a stranger does. I’ve had to distract myself from the thoughts that attack my brain because of all of this. Frankly, I’ve found that doing my job has been an effective way to do so. I wake up, walk the streets, get in a few run down cars, a few limos, I’ve even walked in a few houses this week, and all of it at least provides a way to not think about hurting myself.

It’s like everytime I see Francine’s door, the urge to punish myself for whatever I did gets stronger than I could have ever imagined. In my brain it feels like a release is needed from all of the tension, and the release will only happen when I get what I deserve. I stand outside of Euphorika, leaning on the wall like usual. Cigarettes have also become a nice tool to control my compulsions. I’ve smoked since my parents kicked me out when I was a teenager, but the habit has never been this bad. I’ve been going through two and a half packs a day. There’s something satisfying about the way my lungs burn with each puff. After smoking another cigarette, I begin to walk down the street to continue my job. I hear The Lion call out to me. He walks out of Euphorika and motions for me to come with him using his index and middle finger.

We drive around in his souped up sports car, that he calls, “Panthera.” It has every modification one could think of. The horsepower rattles the buildings of The Jungle as we pass by, like the roar of a ferocious lion, bellowing out to its prey. The wind blows through his spiked hair, as the rushing air comes in through the open windows. I sit in silence, waiting for him to start any conversation. We reach a stoplight and he looks at me through his sunglasses. “You’re so beautiful you know that?” “No,” I say, shaking my head. “You are. You're my lioness in this savage world. Look, I know I’ve been distant recently but I wanted to make it up to you.”

He takes me down to the old park I used to come to when I first came to The Jungle. After my parents had kicked me out when I turned 18 I didn't really have a place to go. So I came to The Jungle, and this park specifically was the one I would sleep in. I'd go into the bathroom stall, sit on the toilet, and put my foot on the door. I'd fall asleep and that was my way of living for a while. The Lion ended up finding me and offering me a chance to be a Mate. He made it sound so enticing, and with the struggling I was already feeling about how ugly I was, the idea of working for him made me feel empowered. He takes me into the park and we have a surprise picnic date. “You’ve been distant lately, Eleanor. I want you to know you can talk to me about anything. I’m here for you.” “Go ahead,” he says, “What’s been on your mind?” “Well, I… Ms.1010 hasn’t been talking to me and it’s driving me crazy. It’s no secret that we’re friends, but the other day she told me that she doesn’t want to talk to me anymore.” He stares at me intently. “It was all of the sudden too, and she didn’t give me an explanation or anything.” He clears his throat. “Have you tried talking to her about it?”

“No, but even if I wanted to she hasn’t exactly given me any signs that she wants to. I just don’t understand how she could cut me off so quickly and easily. Years of our friendship are now down the drain, in a matter of moments. Did she say anything to you about anything I’ve done? Or have you heard anything about her from any of the other Mates?” He sighs. “No, but even if she is mad at you for something it's not your fault. If she’s going to act that way you don’t deserve to be treated terribly. If she has a problem with you or if you did something it's up to her to tell you. And if she doesn’t want to talk, that’s her fault. She’s the one losing out on you, not the other way around. You’re so special and amazing, and if she can’t see that then clearly she’s the one in the wrong.” His words comfort me, like a blanket protecting me from the cold. “As much as it hurts to let her go, Eleanor, you can’t hold on to people that don’t serve you.” 

It’s like he knows exactly what to say sometimes. I know he’s bad for me, I know what kind of business he runs, but it’s like every time I get mad at him, he knows exactly what to say to make it better. And when I get angry, I can’t help but feel like he’s going to change in the next interaction. When he lets me down I always have a hope that he’ll fix things, and he inevitably kind of does. He’s probably right, even though it will hurt me to let her go, I should. I’ll at least have him to talk to if I ever need someone.

After eating we walk along the park, looking at all the old trees, the unique flowers, and the birds which fly around. The frigid lake in the middle of the park is filled with various birds and animals. We stand in front of it and he reveals he has a gift for me. “I wanted you to have this,” he says, pulling out a keychain. It’s a tiny one of the Sun. “That way when you get down on yourself like you have been, you can look to the Sun and remind yourself everything is going to be ok.” It's a sweet gift. We end up talking and chatting like real people for once for hours. It feels like something's changed in him, and he actually cares about me. 

We get back to the car and he drives me all around The Jungle. We pass by houses and the drive lets me clear my head. At the end of the drive we end up right back at Euphorika. We park, and before going back to regular life he tells me, “I have your back, Eleanor. I'll always be here for you, you have to know that. But I also need you to remember that I need you to have my back. I need to know that no matter what happens we're in this together.” I tell him that I have his back and that I won't leave anytime soon.

He drops me off and goes to park the car. As I lean back up on my wall I can't help but feel better. I don't want to be in this kind of life, but if I know he'll take care of me, then at least I know I have a roof over my head. At least I know I'll never go hungry, I'll never have to go back to Numena. Part of me knows it's wrong to let him keep me, but maybe Francine was wrong. Maybe I'm just meant to be here, and instead of the moon, I should've been looking to the Sun.

A taxi drives up slowly, coming to a screeching halt. The driver definitely needs new brakes. Ingus gets out of the backseat, hurriedly, rushing towards me. “Ms.2000!” He's grinning ear to ear, and his body can barely contain his excitement. A smile overcomes my face unexpectedly. To see his aloof face brings a certain heartwarming feeling. I've never seen someone look so happy to see anything.