MS.2000:

There’s something within me that I can’t control. To even think that something this powerful, this mind altering is incredibly hopeless within itself. My body wants to run away, and my mind already is long gone, running a 100 yard dash. The only thing keeping me sane right now is looking at Ingus sleeping on the couch. His mouth hangs wide open, his body spread out and he snores loudly. It’s odd to have company in the house. The Lion hasn’t ever even come over and he owns the place. It makes me feel comforted somehow, that someone is here to protect me if I need it, and to protect me from myself if I need it. It also makes me feel like I can have the life I wanted as a teenager, but I realize that’s erroneous.

I drink my tea quickly to try and stop the thoughts from bubbling to the surface again. I burn my lip, tongue, and throat. I don’t know what I have, but there’s no way the way I feel when I get episodes like this is normal. My left ear begins to ring and I use my finger to try and stop it. The more I try to fight, the more I try to pace, the stronger the thoughts get. I beg God to remove these thoughts, these urges, but they only get stronger. I want to thrash and flail myself across the ground, I want to run, I want to cry, I can’t do this.

It’s not Ingus’ fault that this started. Every now and then when I start to become conscious of my daily living, I get these thoughts. It’s been happening this way my entire life. I remember as a kid I used to check the front lock over and over again to make sure no one could possibly break in. It always hasn’t been logical either. When I moved out here into The Jungle, I suddenly got the compulsion to hold my breath every time I went to the bathroom. I still sometimes have to hold it for 60 seconds, or I feel like I’m going to die. One thought that lasted for a while as a teenager was the fear of teleporting into space. I don’t know why, or how it would even be possible but I was terrified of spontaneously teleporting.

Well, I guess it started when I was in physics and I learned that technically anything is possible, and that, you could technically phase through a wall if the atoms lined up perfectly. Kids started to talk about legends they had heard, of people randomly exploding. I had gotten the intense fear then, when we started to learn about the effects of gravity on Earth and in space. I remember looking at the void that is space, and thinking how terrifying it would be to die up there. Then I had the feeling that somehow I would randomly teleport. Imagining my helplessness, imagining my inability to free myself from such a situation still haunts me to this day.

I still get those thoughts, I still sometimes feel like I’ll randomly teleport, but Francine helped me get through that. Once she had me looking at the moon, I started to feel like space was my way out of the situation. I didn’t want to teleport there obviously, but the moon became less scary, and almost became a haven I imagined myself roaming in if things got too crazy. Now that she won't talk to me anymore, I can’t help but avoid the moonlight. I continue to pace back and forth, fidgeting my hands.

I shake my body out and start to roll my shoulders. I don’t think I’m going to be able to do this. I just feel like I’m right on the edge, teetering directly on the line between sanity and breaking. I really don’t think I can stop these thoughts. Do I wake him up? I at least know if he’s awake and if I have someone to talk to I can hopefully distract my mind just long enough.

INGUS:

I wake up after feeling a presence over me. I initially thought it was Rodhan coming in for the kill, but it’s actually Ms.2000. She cracks and pops her knuckles. “Ingus, Ingus, can you wake up please?” I open my groggy eyes. As I yawn and slowly rise, I make eye contact with her. The second our eyes meet, her eyes begin to water. Her voice is shaking, as well as her entire body. I’ve never seen someone look this way, you’d think she’s seen a ghost or is dying. The difference from just a while ago is like night and day. It’s as if in her eyes, the her is gone, and panic has completely taken over. She meekly asks, “Can we go for a walk?”

MS.2000:

We walk along the quiet streets, the air, with each breath, entering my lungs. My mind begins to come back down from the rollercoaster that was shooting itself into the sky. I breathe. Ingus looks at me like he’s never seen someone like me, and he probably hasn’t. “Thank you for this,” I say. He says that I’m welcome. “Is everything ok?” he asks. “Yeah…no.” “What’s going on?” “You couldn’t possibly understand. If I told you you’d think that I was insane.” As we approach a drainage ditch I decide to go in. This was one of the areas I found recently that I like to go to to clear my head. It feels good to have him here, like he won’t let anything happen to me though.

We sit down, looking at the giant ditch. “Please explain, I want to hear what you have to say,” he says. I’ve never told anyone my feelings, let alone a stranger. I always have felt crazy. “Well, I want to hurt myself. Well, I don’t want to but my brain does and I can’t control it.” He looks at me confused, but he seems to be trying to listen. His hairy eyebrows furrow with interest. “I basically get a feeling like I have to do something and if I don’t do it, then I begin to panic. Like I’m trying so hard to not pinch my legs right now. The only thing that helps is distracting myself.” Ingus takes a breath, you can feel the inexperience. If he truly hasn’t talked to a woman, this is quite the first outing for him to embark on.

“Please don’t hurt yourself,” he says, “You don’t deserve that.” Oddly, just hearing that kind of makes me feel better to hear. “Let’s just talk about something else, like, like, the moon.” We both look up at it. 

INGUS:

She holds her hands tightly sandwiched between her legs as we stare at the moon. It strangely occurs to me that the moon is something always up there, it’s eternal. I look at the moon through a tiny crack in the incineration room most nights. “Isn’t it odd that that moon is the same one I look at? Isn’t it strange that that moon is the same one as a few nights ago? It will always be there, no matter where you are, and it'll still be there no matter what you're going through.”

MS.2000:

He sounds like Francine. He continues, “Like when I was in the incinerator the other night, I looked up, and the moon reminded me that I was here on Earth. Maybe when you get this way the moon can remind you that it’s always watching. If the moon is there for you, you need to be there for him and not do those things to yourself. And if it was there for you before you got those thoughts, that means it'll be there after.”

INGUS:

She wipes her eyes with her knuckles and takes a deep breath out. The her I saw in her eyes when we met slowly comes back the more we talk. “Thank you, Ingus.” She stretches out her hands and rotates her wrists. 

MS.2000:

I never thought of it that way. When the thoughts are there, the moon is, and when they leave, the moon still is. If I can just look at the moon and remember that my thoughts are just temporary…wow. The thoughts are still there right now but they're not as loud. Francine was on to something. Man, I should really confront her again when I get the courage. We walk a little bit longer, and once we get home I realize his company is of more value to me than I thought. Would he stay one more day if I asked him? I'm sure he would. “Ingus? Would you…like to stay one more day? Maybe I can show you around The Jungle tomorrow? That's if you're not working or have any plans. I just figure that you would need to take a cab home again considering I don't have a car right now and it's late. Maybe I can pay you back for dealing with my crazy by hanging out.” Without hesitating, his zealousness rises out of him. With the way he looks and talks about me I've never felt so wanted. “Of course!” he says.