Glancing at my text messages, I saw I had a spam message advertising a free phone if I clicked the misspelled link. I rolled my eyes and deleted the message. My finger loomed over the last text I had received from Taylor and I debated messaging her just to see how she was doing. It had been a while since we had talked.

I typed out several versions of a message to her before finally deciding on just a quick 'hello'.

'Hey, It's Luna. You doing ok?'

I stared at my phone for an eternity waiting for a reply. I felt a little silly once I remembered that Taylor was probably at work, and I settled back into scrolling social media for a while.

After several minutes, my phone vibrated again. A notification for a new email. I groaned audibly and let my head fall backwards in defeat. I didn't know why it was suddenly so important to me that I talk to her. She was probably busy with her family, or maybe she had a new girlfriend or something occupying her time. 

Maybe she was losing interest in me because I wasn't a lesbian, too?

I snorted at the thought. I thought girls were pretty, sure. I couldn't tell you how many times I had looked at a movie or a magazine and thought about how stunning a female protagonist was. 

But all of that was normal teenager stuff. Everyone thought those things, right?

I know my parents had strong views on it. Homosexuality, as they called it, was considered a moral failing and would not be tolerated under their roof. I had heard many horror stories about other families who had shunned their kids for daring to like people of the same gender. 

As a kid, I had thought it was dumb that marriage had to be defined as one man and one woman, but that is just the way that God had made us and I was not able to argue with that. As I got older, I tried to stay away from anybody who was 'struggling with homosexuality', lest I be labelled the same way. 

The longer I thought about it, the more I felt bad. Maybe I had made Taylor upset with my discomfort.

I couldn't quite put my finger on why it was bothering me so badly that Taylor hadn't messaged me recently. I missed talking to her, missed her dumb jokes and silly innuendos. I missed her carefree attitude, how she was so confident but yet so vulnerable with me. 

What if it's because she has feelings for me? 

The thought hit me like a bucket of cold water had been thrown on me. The feeling of not quite getting the joke, not understanding things, why she was so insistent on me getting that dress. Why she seemed so close but yet so far out of reach. What if it was because she liked me in a romantic sense?

At first, I felt violated. The teachings of my parents about the 'gay agenda' jumped to the edge of my mind. I shook my head to clear those thoughts. 

My parents were wrong. Taylor had been nice to me with no gain for herself, she had helped me apply for jobs and college scholarships. Aside from the occasional innuendo, she had never been inappropriate with me. 

If I asked her about it, would it change our friendship? Would she feel rejected, ashamed of herself if she did like me? Would I be breaking her heart if I told her I wasn't gay?

On the other hand, she was very kind to me... and I did get excited when she held my hand. I thought it was because other people might think we were in a relationship, but what if I had just been in denial? Taylor made me feel beautiful when I put on the dress she bought for me. When I was with her, it felt like I could conquer the world.

The anxiety in my stomach began to turn. I hadn't had a dilemma like this before in my life. What if I did like her? I hadn't really had crushes before. 

I thought I was broken as a teenager when all my friends were crushing on the pastor's son, but I thought he was nice to talk to. When he'd kissed me, it was sudden, unexpected and not really all that pleasant. It wasn't bad, but it didn't feel like a first kiss was supposed to. There was no butterflies, no mushy feelings it just was a rushed kiss behind the church. 

I found myself staring at my phone again, hoping it would show me evidence of a reply from Taylor, but no dice.

I needed to talk to someone about this, it had my brain itching, like there were ants scrambling around in my skull. Kris and Matt were at work, Taylor was MIA and Dylan was at school. I thought for a moment and scrolled through my phone contacts for a while. 

I lingered over the office number for Dr. Morgan. Whilst this was decidedly not an emergency nor a mental health crisis, it was bothering me and I needed advice, now. I listened to the phone ring for a few tones before the automated phone system picked up. I pressed button after button to finally speak to a receptionist. 

"Um, Hi. This is Luna Samuels, I see Dr. Morgan, could I talk to her for a few minutes?"

The receptionist put me through to Dr. Morgan's office phone. The landline crackled as the older woman greeted me with concern. "Hi Luna, are you okay? What's on your mind?"

"Um, yeah.. I'm okay, kinda. Um. I'm sorry to bother you with this right now, I'm sure you have other patients but I just didn't have anyone to talk to about this." I started to ramble immediately, I felt a bit silly calling my therapist to talk about 'girl problems.'

"Luna, slow down! You're not interrupting me, I'm actually between patients right now. What's going on?" 

I tried to breathe and focus on my wording as I spoke. "Um, you know how I was raised in the church? Well, I befriended this girl and she's a lesbian." It sounded even more laughable as I was talking to the doctor and I tried to still my heart as it crashed against my ribcage. 

Maria's confusion was palpable over the phone, there was a long pause before she answered. "Yes, Taylor I think you said her name was. The one that helped you with your scholarship applications."

The events of this morning jumped to the forefront of my mind and I couldn't help my pride. "I actually got a scholarship for five thousand dollars this morning. I was gonna tell you the next time we had an appointment, but since we're on the phone... I might as well tell you now."

"Oh, Luna, congratulations! That is a very big step for you. But something tells me that's not the reason you called me today."

 I winced. "Yeah, you're right. Um, so, Taylor has helped me with a lot of stuff.. and she hasn't talked to me since my friend Matt was kinda mean to her, but I think I may have offended her and I think she likes me." The words came tumbling out of my mouth fast, a typhoon of word vomit. "And the problem is, I think I might like her, but I don't know and it's freaking me out."

There was another long pause and I heard a soft chuckle on the other end of the line. Muffled as if she'd tried to hide it behind her hand. Dr. Morgan cleared her throat and began to speak. "I think you may be overthinking this a bit, Luna. If you are asking yourself if you like her, I think you may already know the answer."

I thought about her words for a moment before I answered. "But why does it feel so wrong then, and why did it take me so long to notice? I don't think I'm gay..." I trailed off. 

"Luna, you have grown up in a religion that has taught you that even thinking about sex is shameful, when in reality it is a normal rite of passage every adult goes through. Instead of encouraging you to explore your sexuality, you were forced to repress it. It doesn't mean you're necessarily a lesbian. Sexuality and gender is a spectrum and there are many different variations."

I took a grounding breath and focused on what she was saying. Could all the years in the church be making me repress how I feel about Taylor? What did I even feel towards Taylor? 

"You could be attracted to all genders, or none at all. You won't know what you want out of life until you explore the possibilities. I'm not saying you should go out and jump headfirst into a relationship with this girl, but think about how you feel when she looks at you, if you think the two of you would be compatible. Talk to her, see if she feels the same way. The worst she can tell you is no." What she was saying made sense but seemed too simple. 

"What if I have it all wrong and she doesn't really like me? What if I just make it awkward and it ruins our friendship?" I tried to withhold my doubts, but the whispers of my anxiety in the back of my mind were too strong to ignore. 

"Then she wasn't meant to be in your life long term. If this girl really cares about you, she will tell you she's not interested and things won't change much. It may be a little awkward at first, but you'll find your way."

I smiled, despite my reservations I did feel a little better about the situation. "Thank you, Dr. Morgan. I'll let you get back to your patients now."

"Anytime, Luna. You have a good weekend and I'll see you Monday." The line went dead shortly after that and I ended the call.