Yesterday...

… Yesterday,

…Yesterday

I really don't want to talk about it or even remember it.

It was just too tragic and too harsh on me.

—on my emotions, on everything I believe in, on my mental health, on my self-confidence.

Right now I just feel like trash because the people I thought would have my back on this whole planet, people who wouldn't betray me if not for the blood we share, have cast me aside and abandoned me, and now this man just comes into my life and spits on every single thing I believe and have worked hard for!

in family, in my choice of career and passion, in relationships, and most of all, in my value as a woman. I feel so cheap for being able to be traded like mere goods; it makes me feel sick to the stomach.

Like, how did the princesses of those days get married for political reasons only? Setting aside their own feelings and letting themselves be sold off or traded for peace, power, or greedy money is just plain bullshit!

And I wouldn't believe this could still happen centuries later because we all believe we've "evolved" from that era, so if someone told me she was going to marry some guy just because she's trying to pay off a debt, I wouldn't believe her in the slightest.

I would just laugh and say, 'Oh! You got me there for a second, and then I'd move forward with my life, but guess what? I think I'm that girl right now, and I am feeling the shittiest type of shit any shitty person would ever feel right now.

I am sorry, but also not sorry, because this is the dark, shitty part of me that focuses on the negative and on how fucking depressed I am right now. We've all got this side of us because for every Yang, there is a Yin, right?

Except for Bernice, though, I do not know what powers that girl possesses to always stay hyper and positive, even in bad times like when her dad died. I couldn't possibly imagine what she was going through at that moment, but she still managed to put on that bright smile.

A bright smile for a pretty girl, I guess...

You know she's been calling me. I couldn't muster the courage to pick up the damn phone because if she heard my hell-bent, cracked voice, I'm sure she would know something went wrong, and then I'd just burst into tears over the phone, and she'd end up coming over here to calm me down.

I don't want to be a burden; I never wanted to be a burden to anyone, not to my dad. When it came to college tuition, I even got a job and paid half the bill and every other little thing I needed during school.

Even when other girlfriends would be so harsh and demanding on their boyfriends, I was never like that with Michel; I was always content with what he would gift me, and I never relied on him for money. He was more of a burden on Bernice, you know.

It's just…

After all the sacrifices I've made with them and for them, they still choose to abandon me. I still can't wrap my head around it. You know what I still can't wrap my head around?

How I left my office at 1:00 a.m. this morning just because I didn't want anyone to see how messed up I was.

Seriously, I was looking like sour pudding, if there's anything like that. Just imagine me in a messy bun, a fucking torn sweater—I don't even remember how it got torn—and a couple of black trash bags in my hands because I got tired of crying and went into depressed mode. I decided to clear my desk, and eventually I cleaned my whole office, and I was done by 10 p.m.

My makeup when I looked at my phone to check the time made me look just like a mortified joker who just hit rock bottom, so freaking out I found a decorative mask my dad gave me as a gift for opening my company, and I was like, "The hideous makeup has to be hidden," so I wore it, right?

Now, instead of looking like the Joker, I looked more like the serial killer guy Jason for Friday the thirteenth, and it couldn't get any worse than that, like...

Come on, life!

Give me a break here; I had to wait till the whole street was silent before I could come out, dump the trash, and head back home for some sleep.

Thinking about it now just makes me want to roll my belly and laugh. That would have seriously made a killer costume at one of Michel's Halloween parties... I dressed as Jason, and he dressed as Freddy—the killer couple, huh?

I know no matter how hard I try, I still can't get him off my mind. No matter the insults and distance he has shown, the five years of sweet love we shared just melt it all away. I can't stay angry with him for long; it's just impossible for me to do that.

I'm going to call him.

I know it sounds like a bad idea; it probably won't end well, but at least I've got to try. If I knew he still loved me and was willing to fight for us, I knew some sanity would finally return to me because your girl is crazy here, just sitting in my apartment and talking to myself. How bad can it get?

I reach for my phone and dial his number from the top of my head, and my pumpkin with red hearts shows up, and I quickly click on "Call."

Poom poom…

It's RINGING!

Poom poom…

Uh, why isn't he answering?

"Heyy, it's Michel. I'm probably busy right now, so leave a message. Thank you!"

The call ends, and so does part of my hope. Please, this should not be what I'm thinking right now. Michel, please don't ignore me, or maybe... He blocked me.

No, no, no, no! He can't do that to me. Right? RIGHT??? Oh, I'm calling again.

…

It kept ringing and fucking ringing until the fifth time, then he picked it up.

"OH MY GOSH! Hey, I was beginning to think you had blocked me there. Heyy... uhm, how are you?"

"Why are you calling me?" His voice was so adamant and freakishly cold towards me, like I was some client that was bad business to him.

"Uhm," I stutter for a bit, "just checking to see how my boyfriend is doing; have you eaten yet?"

"Freya, let's not do this right now; I've got a tonne of things I'm handing out right now," he sighs.

"Do what exactly? I didn't know it was now a crime for me to check up on you."

"I'm not your boyfriend anymore!" He screams, and my heart just... I cannot say it stopped because that would be a lie, but I can't explain what happened right there; his words were like a thousand knives just got shoved into my heart right there.

"That's why I called Michee; let's talk about this. You haven't given me an opportunity to explain!"

"Explain what?!"

"Everything Michee! My whole goddamn life, Michee! Give me a bloody chance to talk to you; this hasn't been easy for me either. Okay, I know you're always hot-headed, but could you please drop that ego and pride and let us reason like adults here?"

"Oh, so now you're calling me a child, huh?"

Oh gosh… "I didn't say that; come on!"

"I'm not the one who's running around with a ring on her ring finger and a wedding that's two days away!"

"Well, I'm not the one who got all cosy and actually fucked a stripper."

"…"

"Yeah, I know all about that cosy one-night stand you had. I watched you devour her with your lips, and I watched your tongues fuck each other in the grossest way ever.

Don't you think you owe me an explanation for that? You think I wasn't hurt? You think what you did wouldn't come out in the light?

Maybe sooner or later, well, it came sooner, baby, and you just couldn't hold back... I messed up one time, and you were already looking for a way to satisfy yourself.

It just makes me think about all the times we've had fights, the small ones and the big ones. We've only had two big fights that almost ended our relationship, and that's this one, and the other was last year when I mentioned marriage.

You know what? Just... be blunt with me: did you have sex with Samantha, that sexy hot co-worker you always talked about?"

"…."

"Michel, answer the goddamn question!"

"I DIDN'T! Okay! I couldn't go through with it. Yes, we made it! And yes, I took her to my apartment, but nothing else happened!

And why are you turning this against me? You're the cheating one here; you're the backstabber; you're the one who is so hungry for marriage that you'd throw our lives together down the drain, not me.

There's nothing more to talk about, Freya; you gave up on us first, not me; you sold yourself dirty and cheap to a man of millions, and I hear he's an old man, kind of your father's age; have fun and enjoy yourself."

And at this point, you already know I'm in tears...

"Why can't you understand that I'm doing this for Selena?"

"And where is she? Huh? Where is Selena in all of this? That's right, she's nowhere near you or that man; you're just using that innocent girl's name to cover up that shady and greedy part of you that has been there all along.

I don't regret sleeping with that stripper, and so you'll know she's not a one-night stand; she's more like a regular." He chuckles

"Why are you saying this to me?" I sniffle between tears.

"I tried to lay it easy on you by ignoring your calls, and I even wanted to at least hear you out, but I see that was a mistake, but nothing's getting through, so let me spell it out: WE ARE OVER."

I am beyond dazzled when he ends the call, and I'm left with complete silence.

Have I been such a fool?

for being too blind to see this d**k for who he truly is?

He almost cheated on me, still cheated on me, and is too daft to even comprehend the situation I'm in right now.

How could I ever think he would want to listen? He's always been the hot-headed one, slightly unreasonable, and he does irrational things with a big ego.

For being such a fool, I'd even say I deserve to be heartbroken by that idiot.

You know what? Fuck this, fuck my life, fuck this relationship, and fuck this stupid marriage. There really is no reason to wait around for a miracle when I clearly know my parents aren't looking for Selena and I've been dating a fool for 5 years.

I just have to do one more thing.

I sniffle and wipe my tears before making another phone call, and she picks up almost immediately.

"Hello, bestie, "Are you free tomorrow?"

"Yeah, sure, what's up?"

"We're going wedding dress hunting."