Oh My Gangster
Part Eight
Luca
I woke up just as the sun was rising, I watched as the light started to filter through the curtains and a small slip of sunlight fell onto Mile's. I watched him sleep for probably longer than I should have, but I couldn't tear my eyes away from him. It's hopeless thinking that this guy wouldn't steal my heart, because he has and he's right, it's dangerous. Then it gets me thinking about what life would be like if we had met without having the lives we have. No war, no pain, just two normal guys meeting in a normal world, without the worry of gang life. Without having to hide anything. From anyone.
"Perfect." I whispered as I moved his hair from his face. He didn't even stir. "Can I keep you?" I asked myself that question most of the night, even in my dreams, yet in my dreams he would say yes with a wide smile. He didn't hesitate. I think it would be so much different if I asked him when he wakes up. He'd most likely call me all the names under sundry and storm off yelling about how much he hates me.
Maybe he does hate me? I hate me because I'm tired of trying to smile and pretend to be strong and patient when I was actually neither. Tired of not being able to sleep for more than two hours at a stretch before bolting upright with the scent of smoke in my nose and the absolute conviction that something, somewhere was on fire. I hated that, I hated it because I knew it was a dream about my mother but a dream I couldn't ever remember, just the smell haunted me and above all, I'm tired of the fact that nothing in my life was under my control. Not anymore. I thought I had a tight hold on everything, in my waking hours my ideal world was there, but it wasn't there, it's never been there. It's a lie I tell myself all the time hoping my brain would believe it and sometimes it did. Then Mile's would only look my way and that whole perfect ideal world would shatter into tiny pieces and reveal what was true. That I'm losing it...no, I've already lost it.
"Hmm, time?" He grumbled. I didn't want him to wake up yet, I wanted to stay like this for just a while longer. "Hey…" He whispered. I just stare at him, I don't even want to answer him because he will leave. "Luca?" He said, nudging me. "Why are you saying nothing, you dead or something?"
"No, maybe." He settled back down and faced me. It's a perfect heaven in these moments because he was still here.
"If I die, would you cry?" He asked. I frown because it's a stupid question.
"No."
"Liar."
"Okay," I said, lifting up and leaning on my palm. "If I die will you cry?"
"You know for certain if this gets out I'd die first."
"I wouldn't allow it." He gave me a small smile and brought his fingers up to my face. I closed my eyes briefly when the gentle brush warmed my cheek.
"You wouldn't have a choice, Luca. I'd be forgotten…" I stopped him. I didn't want to hear it.
"Don't...Not now, not ever, no matter what."
"You're unexpectedly sweet. Where's that big mafia don gone?"
"I've only ever been sweet to you." He chuckled a little and let his hand fall onto the bed between us. "Don't let go."
"If I hold out my hand, would you take it? No matter what?"
"I would."
"If you're lying, I will kill you myself."
"I will bare my chest and take your blade."
"So it could be a lie?"
"No, but what if I miss you and you fall."
"Then you better pick me up." He laughed a little, but it wasn’t funny, but it also was. The humor of the situation was right there waiting for me to seize it, but I couldn’t seem to get there. I’d realized over the years that the secret to finding the humor, or the silver lining, or basically anything good in the incessant shitstorm of life, was having a person you could roll your eyes with about it. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. I guess I'm just being too serious."
"I like serious you and sweet you. I like a lot of things about you, more than I care to admit."
"You sleep like a rock." He laughed again and rolled onto his back. "You do." He lifted his hands in the air and cracked each finger before setting them above his head.
"You sleep talk." He said, turning again to face me.
"Do I?" He pursed his lips.
"Yeah."
"Do you watch me while I'm asleep?"
"No, but you watch me and have done for a while." I gulped and I blushed, me, I blushed. "I peeked before you noticed. I also heard you call me beautiful…" I quickly put my hand over his mouth. "Hmm."
"Stop…" I cleared my throat.
"You can keep me." My mouth almost unhinged. He heard me. Cheeky little shit was pretending to be asleep. "Have I ruined the moment?"
"Shut up."
"Now who's blushing?" He asked and moved so he was positioned on my chest. "Lay back." I did, he wrapped an arm around me and held me there. "Your heart is going crazy."
"Yeah," I said, running a hand up and down his arm. "Stay with me."
"For a bit longer, yeah."
"No, forever."
"There's no forever in our world, Luca."
"We can make one. Me and you. Away from here."
"Running?"
"Yeah, let's run and never look back."
"You of all people should know how impossible that is."
"Heh, me of all people knows It can be done, too." He didn't say anything after that and I was hoping it was because he's thinking about it. About me and him just going and never looking back. We can have that, we can, right? I sigh, because the sad, hopeless truth was
that there was only one person I really wanted, only one person whose presence shone so brightly in my life that no substitute would ever do and he's laying on my chest and I was wishing that he would want to run away with me and I was wishing that we could make a plan or something. I'm good at that shit, Eddie will help, I think. "I love you, Mile's." His small snore made my heart sink and flutter at the same time and I hoped he'd heard me, even in a dream...and believed it.
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